Monday, March 4, 2013

Operation Coffee House VIII

My god, where do I start with this one?

I believe I have found the "hive" or "mothership" of all coffee houses in Minneapolis.  This coffee house has got to have every variable, trait and characteristic of every coffee house in the area.  It confirms every stereotype to the point it is comical.

First there's "Mr. I-Bike-Year-Round."  You can tell because there is only one bike parked outside the cafe, not that his winterized attire would give it away either.  Gloves, winter pants, a full beard for extra insulation.  Though I'll give him more credit than any other man in the entire joint.  Those year round cyclists are hard core and are in shape.  However, working at a bike shop myself in the liberal part of town, I KNOW FOR A FACT that is because they cannot afford a car.  But don't point that out to them.  They'll tell you they're doing it for the environment.

Second, let's continue on about the men.  I swear, I wish I could take a picture, but that would violate these people's privacy.  But if you saw what I saw, you'd laugh.  There's a line of men, most of them bald, most of them still in their twenties, all with thick rimmed horned glasses, all, ALL of them with Apple laptops.  I so wish I could take a picture because it looks like a bunch of soldiers lined up for inspection.  It would make a great "motivational poster" where it could be titled "Conformity - The harder you try not to, the more you fail."

Another thing I notice about the men is the lisp or the effeminate voice.  I don't believe any of them are gay, but I do know they have lower levels of testorerone.  This is the latest generation to come off the assembly line, go to college, graduate and now drift aimlessly in their twenties.  Without genuine challenge or rigor, their bodies and biology have failed to produce the  testosterone and hormones necessary to make them look "manly."  You think I'm arrogant when I say I can kick every guys ass in the joint (when I myself am a smaller fellow), but that is not arrogance.  It IS a testament to this developmental disorder these men have.

Third, related to hormones, the women.  Maybe it's not a lack of a challenging or physically demanding environment that explains the "Low T" these men have, as much as it is the women.  They're...well...what you'd expect.  None of them are wearing make up.  Most are pretty ugly.  And while the majority of them are in their 20's and early 30's, there is the handful of older women who wistfully look around the coffee shop, perhaps trying to find their youth.  Regardless, none of these would inspire your glands to secrete testosterone. Nobody here (men or women) have seen the insides of a calculus book.

Fourth, yes, of course.  Art.  I told you this shop had all the amenities of your lefty coffee shop!

Today's local artist is a guy who specializes in taking figurines and posing them near lakes to make the scenery look bigger and more dramatic.  I sure hope he spent a ton of money on his BA in Art to come up with that clever little tactic.  Again, it's something I could do, therefore it isn't art.  Perhaps he could take his figurine ability and work for Robot Chicken...naw, that would actually take skill and effort.

Fifth, even though I didn't see a sign that banned guns from these premises, I'm pretty sure I'm once again the only person carrying.  I swear if a criminal wants an easy mark, coffee shops are it.  These people are not so much against violence (who isn't?  I am!), as much as they are afraid of it.  They are so afraid of the reality that there is violence in the world their choice is to ignore it and "hope it goes away."  I guarantee you if any violent or aggressive person came in here you would have one of those scenes where people would just stand and watch.  Not out of a worry of law suits being filed, but they're be scared stiff.

Sixth, oh yes, everything is green.  You knew that already, but the establishment has put a poster up parading its various accomplishments and achievements in going green (picture is not rotated correctly because blogger is being difficult now)

One huge thing that is missing should be very obvious - profit.

"Free meetings held?"
"Acres of trees saved by switching to LED light bulbs???"
"Full time job equivalents????"

Again, it's like suggesting a whole new accounting system be based off of Facebook "likes" and not the real world currency coming in and out of the joint.  Oh well, even though profits are evil, I'm sure they'll find out it's also necessary for the joint to remain open.

Sixth, the coffee.  It ain't bad.  I'm not developing my pallet (sp?), but it sure as hell beats out the goat cheese coffee from the other day.

Post Script - I WAS able to get a picture of the Apple Soldiers lined up for inspection.  Faces of course deleted for privacy's sake:

No comments:

Post a Comment