When I found out I was pregnant with Lily I didn't tell Gareth due to the fact that he warned me if I ever got pregnant again he would leave me so I kept the news to myself for the time being and decided to tell him when I had spoken to him about how he might feel about the prospect, but I was also fearful of the fact he might walk out of the door again.
I felt empty since losing my babies Hope (25 weeks) the year before and Matthew (33 weeks) in 2002 , I was day by day losing all confidence, interest and self esteem in my life living with Gareth, my life was miserable and fraught with stress daily, I wasn't interested in my appearance anymore, I was putting on weight and paying no attention to my 2 elder children. All my attention was fixated on Gareth and whether I was saying and doing the right things to keep him happy.
Psychopaths are like vampires, they suck the life out of you little by little until you are exhausted, & mentally and emotionally bone dry.
Gareth's Departure
A week after finding out I was pregnant I walked into the house to find him packing, he informed me he wouldn't tell me what was wrong and why he was leaving until the next day.
This is what I emailed my father in regards to how Gareth would NOT tell me what was wrong.
Gareth told me to get rid of my mother or he wouldnt talk to me (she was here visiting me) yet still didn't talk to me even when I told my mother to go home!!!
Me: Are you planning on leaving?
Him: "no im not"
Me: "can you promise me that"
Him: "no."
Then he walked out. So I follow upstairs
Me: Can we talk?
Him: " we are not talking go away, or i will have to go out again, ive got lots of work to do and i dont want to go out so go away"
Me: "Is this about work?"
Him: " yes its about work" (in a not so convincing voice.)
Me: "well im off out soon"
Him: "good go away."
I begged him to tell me and finally he informed me he had been monitoring me on the internet by sniffing the wireless network and had seen me talking to someone about my pregnancy(How long he had been doing this is anyone's guess but with a psychopath they do this often "Stalking" )
What did Gareth say to my father when he went round to talk at my fathers request? ...."She's gone and got herself pregnant again"...My father in disbelief replies....: "Hang on a minute don't you mean YOU got her pregnant?"
Gareth asked if he could stay a few more days until he could find some accommodation.
Stupidly I said yes thinking it would buy me some time into convincing him to stay , and give me time to ponder on what I could do to fix everything. Gareth slept on the sofa downstairs and went off to work every morning as if nothing was wrong.
The next day I started bleeding, when I told Gareth he said he was leaving and could I please let him know what happens.
I went to the hospital and found out everything was fine, so on calling Gareth with the news his exact words were "If you had lost the baby I would of come home" he then said "If you get an abortion I might come home
Here are some emails from myself and Gareth when discussing abortion, I did actually consider it , I think I was trying to buy more time to convince or prove my love to him in order for him to come home. At that time I had not discovered his pathology and was completely under his control.
Deep down I didn't want the abortion, I think I stupidly convinced myself that if I made the appointments and did things "his way" then he might stop me at the last minute, realize he is hurting the one he loves and say he was sorry (A lot of survivors of psychopaths believe that the man/woman they fell in the love with in the beginning will return - they never do because the person you fell in love with wasn't real - it was a mask - you fell in love with the image he/she projected)
Here are those emails.....
From: Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Subject: Ok..
Date: 6 July 2006 16:24:59 BDT
To: XXXXXX@gmail.com
Ok, it's apparent you don't want any more contact. I just wish you'd say so instead of just ignoring me - it's just silly.
Seeming as you won't communicate with me I will be renting a removals van, for either an evening or weekend, depending on their prices/availability.
I will have to assume you are in at the time to let me in. I will then abide by your wish and disappear.
With regards to child support etc. - I was going to agree outside of the agencies with you but obviously I can't without contact so it will be upto you to sort that out with them when the time comes.Manipulating me into speaking to him by using threats of child services agencies
It's a shame it has to be this way.
Take care,
Gareth
This is why I am ADAMANT on NO CONTACT! because the cyberpath will reel you back in or confront you and in replying he can manipulate you with more attention, witholding, and attacks. This is the cyberpaths modus operandi of control, he can still control you from afar
From Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 24, 2006 at 2:34 PM
subject Re:
I don't know whether your going to go ahead and do what you said you would with regard to the situation (Abortion) but if you are, you also know it's something you need to book and do now.
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 24, 2006 at 3:46 PM
subject Re:
Yes I do understand that. However there are few factors that need to be discussed first. We can do that sometime if you like, you would need to come and talk to me again though.
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 24, 2006 at 4:11 PM
subject Re: Re:
What factors need to be discussed, the reason I ask is because if you do what you said, time is at the essence and if that 's your decision we can talk while your waiting to be seen (He wants to have this adult conversation regarding the abortion while I am in the waiting room - waiting to be seen, that's HOW DESPERATE he is to get it done) instead of holding off until it's too late and you have no choice.
This is your decision and i'm not pushing you, i'm just telling you, if you leave it any longer, even a few days, it's going to get harder, and less likely and then you wont have a choice.
But yes i'm happy to speak to you about it but after work doesn't leave me much time to talk so it's only really weekends which is pushing the date back weeks at a time. (More excuses not to come and see me so we can discuss it and maybe lend me some support)
As for an actual appointment, if you would let me, id take time off work and be there for you. Yeah you'll be there for the abortion but not for me at home
I started reading your book last night.
Hopefully you can reply in time while im in work, hopefully i'll be able to reply in time - might pop in to cybercafe on way to b&b or later if not.
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 24, 2006 at 4:14 PM
subject Re: Re: Re:
Yeah but I need to talk to you about things so if you have some spare time tonight I can call you on the phone just let me know what time ok.
Then we can discuss it properly rather than over email.
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Tue, Jul 25, 2006 at 1:12 PM
subject Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
Why don't you email me the day your seeing the doctor so I an call you later that day?
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Fri, Jul 28, 2006 at 1:25 PM
Any news on Doc?
Anything you want to sort out before tomorrow?
We still on for 10:30ish?
I'll give you a call after work if you don't get this due to being out or something.
If you prefer I call anyway because its faster, say so and i'll give you a call after work, if your out again tonight, don't worry, just contact me on the weekend or something.
My landlord said that 3 months worth of rent was due totaling over £1000, I had until the Monday to pay it or I and my children would be evicted - Gareth KNEW he was leaving 3 months before he actually left as he didn't pay the rent for that entire time - he left me with no food, no money NOTHING - and from the emails below you can see he is trying to put off paying me, using Lies and excuses while STILL hounding me to get an abortion - Manipulation, Manipulation, Manipulation - It's all HE DOES
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 31, 2006 at 8:12 AM
subject Re: Phone calls.
Just about to go down to the rent office now
I have offered to pay some money but im still going to need £200 more I dont know whats going to happen, Ill email you as soon as I get back home which will be in an hour or so.
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 31, 2006 at 8:31 AM
subject Re: Phone calls.
Ok - good, that's more manageable,
What about the doctor - the one that's taken nearly two weeks to even call - If you're going ahead i'd prefer you told me sooner rather than later.
Hope the meeting goes well,
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 31, 2006 at 11:04 AM
subject Re: Phone calls.
The shame is - I had the funds but my bank wouldn't take them as they were in my savings account not my cash card account.
With regard to sorting this - of course I will - the only problem is that I literally don't have enough to pay them 1000£ in one week - If I did, I'd lose my b&b and consequently my job. HE KNEW the rent was due every month so WHY was it in HIS savings account and NOT in the main account so payments could be paid? Why did he transfer THE RENT MONEY over to his saving account when he got paid? - because he already knew he was leaving and didn't want to pay the rent - all psychopaths are selfish
There must be a way to sort this in a real time scale. He means "In HIS time scale"?
Would it be possible to give me the contact number of the guy you met this morning so I can speak to him - explaining I intend to pay this on your behalf. Oh "MY" behalf? Its HIS fault it wasn't paid NOT mine It is only 3 months rent at about 350£ each month - this is not a bad debt if it is paid off asap.
If you could give me the contact details/name ASAP I will sort it.
Otherwise, how are you all doing?
Keep calm,
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 31, 2006 at 11:26 AM
subject Re: Phone calls.
If you had at least £600 that would be enough as I can get some money elsewhere to cover the rest.
The guy has said it has to be paid asap in one weeks time, or I am out and it is understandable seeing as I havent paid the money. "Seeing as I haven't paid the rent" See even then Gareth made me believe it was MY fault the rent wasn't paid, I was taking ALL the blame
You are being paid either today or in a couple of days £600 wouldnt put you too much out of pocket. Please I really need to pay this off and Ive been down there this morning crying my eyes out and he wont do it on a monthly basis its my last chance Gaz
I have already had my solicitor phone him this morning and he is still saying money within a week.
Oh and I just got post asking me to pay £77 council tax too, I have so many bills now Gaz and nont enough money to cover them all its just not fair I have to deal with all of this yet again.
Also the midwife called this morning said she recieved a very very urgent letter from doctor PXXXXXn and she needs to see me asap tomorrow morning to talk about things as my history isnt very good at all. So I will have to wait till tomorrrow to let you know whats going on with that
I can get an abortion app sooner as it will be through the midwife ok shes coming between 9 am and 12
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 31, 2006 at 11:30 AM
subject Re: Phone calls.
As I said I will help you out as much as I possibly can, I will use all my food and travel money - you can't beg for money elsewhere it's not fair on the other person. What he means is I am begging HIM for money knowing HE is at fault - but psychopaths won't EVER admit they are wrong
Can you give me the guys number so I can give him a call.
I'll pop outside and give him a call.
I know I wont be able to stretch it longer than a week but I want numbers, dates amounts etc.
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 31, 2006 at 11:47 AM
subject Re: Phone calls.
The amount is £1059.00 and needs to paid in a week, he might be out as he only works morning hours thats why I rushed to see him so early
also he is sending me out the statement with the full amount in the post today so should be here tomorrow morning then you can have the proof you need
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 31, 2006 at 11:57 AM
subject Re: Phone calls.
Hi, I believe you,
I wanted to know his definition of a week - this fri/next mon? That's it ....string it out longer - If it wasn't for the fact he wanted the abortion so badly and pushing me to get it, he wouldn't of paid that money to me for the rent, he wasn't going to give me something for nothing
Lot's of other questions too.
As I said, I do care and I will sort you out.
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
Date Mon, Jul 31, 2006 at 1:23 PM
subject Re: Phone calls.
Can you let me know whats going on after or if you have tried to call him?
Thank you
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 31, 2006 at 1:31 PM
subject Re: Phone calls.
Had to worked through lunch, will try to pop outside soon. Gareth KNEW the landlord wouldn't be at the office in the afternoon as I told him - so he makes ANY excuse not to call
will keep you informed...
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 31, 2006 at 1:34 PM
subject Re: Phone calls.
He wont be in the office now, hes only there on mornings thats why he could only see me today so there would be no point in calling him now.
And everyday that goes by im going to worry out of my mind about this
I have the midwife tomorrow between 9 -12 and thats making me uneasy as Im not sure whats going to be said or what will happen, shes spoken to Dr Pakarian and I am frantic about what hes going to say or has said, I have tried calling them to ask but they are out of the office so Im worrying about all these things. He doesn't give a flying fig that I am worrying
You could try calling the guy from the Landlords office but itd have to be in the morning not afternoon
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Mon, Jul 31, 2006 at 1:56 PM
subject Re: Phone calls.
Will give you a call, go relax, I shall try him tomorrow morning and try sort my finances tonight. I'll give you a call sometime tonight between 6 - 10 depending one when I've had a shower etc. See! his SHOWER is even more important than helping to alleviate my fears and worries I will stop e-mailing so you can sit down.
Go relax,
Speak to you later,
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Tue, Aug 1, 2006 at 1:40 PM
subject Re: News.
How did your appointment go / are you ok?
~g
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Tue, Aug 1, 2006 at 1:57 PM
subject Re: News.
I will tell you all about the midwife Im still writing it all down at the moment in an email plus flitting around doing housework and trying to keep my bearings
If you can give me £800 that should be enough for me Gaz, its better than nothing at all and I can scrape the rest together.
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Tue, Aug 1, 2006 at 3:16 PM
subject Re: News.
Cheers,
Remember that I wont be able to get your mwife (Midwife Email - Even though he left me in debt of over £1000 from 3 months worth of rent arrears the abortion is the only thing HE WANTS) e-mail past 5:20.
I feel very ill from something ive eaten.
~g
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Tue, Aug 1, 2006 at 3:19 PM
subject Re: News.
Any chance you know what money you can give me? 800 would be enough I just dont want it to go on any longer than it has to.
I would take some immodien if your not well always works for me.
I know you cant get email beyond 5:20 I will send it to you and you will get it in time
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Tue, Aug 1, 2006 at 3:28 PM
subject Re: News.
I'm trying for 800
The only problem being I'll be £-200 by the end of the month so i'm going to have to try and lend some money off my parents again to carry me into next month.
No immodium in work. have you changed your mind about the other situation then? (Abortion)
I tell him the midwife had been to talk , take bloods, and samples
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Tue, Aug 1, 2006 at 3:57 PM
subject re
Thankyou for your e-mail.
It really helps just to know the situation.
I will be in bed sick all night by the looks of it, might even get a taxi to take me back from work. (Boo Hoo Martyr Man.....Oh so he has money to spend on a cab (taxi) knowing they are expensive, but not enough money for food and travel as he states below?)
I'm working on the money as we speak and have been trying to sort it since you first told me.
I will give you the money, im just trying to work out how to survive after that as I don't have money for food or the b&b rent let alone going home for my birthday and stuff until I next get paid. The psychopath wants me to feel sorry for him, as he isn't going to be able to go home for his birthday to see his parents and get presents - THEY ONLY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES
Trying to increase my overdraft now.
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Tue, Aug 1, 2006 at 4:05 PM
subject Re: re
Ok then well Ill let you know how things go then.
I wont contact you tonight then seeing as you are sick.
If your not in work tomorrow can you let me know whats what. Ill let you know whats going on with the midwife and appointment by tomorrow , speaking to my dad tonight and let you know once Ive spoken to Jo the midwife.
Gaz im not even going to have a birthday and its going to be a tough month for me to get over all of whats happened so going down to Wales for your birthday should be the least of your worries. Im not going to be having any fun here in fact its the most miserable damn year since the last miserable year (last year) ive had so far at least if my rent is paid up I can relax and not have to worry about losing everything else as well. Sorry I am just stressed out and worrying because time is getting shorter every day
Let me know whats what when your feeling better, id go sleep as soon as you get back to the b&b so you wont get any sicker. try taking some immodiem if you can get it after work all shops should sell it, it works wonders
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 6:27 AM
subject RE.
Well my fridge freezer was leaking when I got up this morning and isnt working now so Im going to have to replace it today or ill lose all the food in it .
Gaz I know it might feel like im trying to hurry you and being a pain but once you put the money in my account (he keeps putting off giving me the rent money) it does have to clear and that takes 3-4 working days and I need to pay this money by Monday, Im waiting on this 800 then im going to have to find the rest, I have nowhere else to turn and its getting worse, my washing machine already broke this month and Im running out of money and options, please please help me today im desperate and now my fridge has gone I feel like everything is going to hell and Im so upset. I have so much going on right now with the hospital etc I cant handle all this. Can you please please get back to me today
I hope your sickness is gone and your feeling a little better. If your not in work Ill know because you wont reply to this email so I might call you later on today
from Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
to PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 8:01 AM
subject Money
Not feeling too much better, my tummy's doing some odd things.
Will try and send the money today.
Look in the friday ad for a fridge/freezer, if that fails, get seperates, if you cant get one now, you'll have to put it all in your mums fridge and get the food for each day from her before you need it. Why not pay the money YOU OWE ME?- You know I cannot afford to buy a replacement
As I said - will try send the money today.
How'd it go with your dad?
After telling him one of our rabbits died.
From Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 9:01 AM
subject Re: Money
Hi,
It's not your week is it.
I know how you feel, I have no money to pay for the B&B after this 800 is transferred.
Don't worry about 'yakking' it's nice to hear from you, I don't talk to many people either.
With the rabbit i'm afraid your best off burying it - ask your dad to pop over with a shovel. It's better than putting it in the bin.
It's good to know you tidied up a bit - it was starting to look dishevelled, and i'm not talking about mess - i'm talking about it being dark and dingy with sheets covering the windows. Open the doors and windows let some light in. (I had blinds up not sheets!)
You looked nice and healthy when I last saw you - keep it up.
I know it's all going wrong but stick through it - keep your chin up. If you topple it just makes things worse. I'm always around to help.funny because you were NEVER here to help
How are you feeling?
Planning anything for your birthday?
It's nice to talk with you, missed it.
-gaz
From Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 9:16 AM
subject Re: Money
I am paying you - I'm just going to try and find some money to pay the B&B after. Your my priority. Really? if I were your priority you would not have done nor be doing all this to me
I extended the deadline to the 14th August. He phoned MY LANDLORD to extend the time limit for paying the rent
Im feeling sicky and crap.
From Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 10:07 AM
subject Re: Money
uly B&B = £625 - need to pay this week.
Augusts B&B = 625 - to be paid on 25th.
I have 1800£ in the bank at the moment
£625 + £625 + £800 = £2050
£1800 - £2050 = £-250
So I can't afford that let alone food. I've tried to move Augusts b&b (Bed & Breakfast Only Accomodation) payment to next month but the old lady needs it to pay her bills. So my only option is borrow money from somewhere.
As I said if it was next month it wouldn't be a problem.
Realistically - with food I will need to borrow about £500 for about 7 days at the end of the month to tie me over. Hopefully my parents can do it.
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 10:11 AM
subject Re: Money
B&B is only £76 a week so that would be £304 a month surely so how come you say its 625? it doesnt make any sense
And the B&B can wait at least 4 days in August surely until you next get paid?
I wish I didnt have to ask you for this money Gaz I really dont , but it should of been paid when you were here and I really need it and everyday its not there im worrying out of my mind, as I wont have anything to pay otherwise,
It would be good if it could wait till next month but it cant I really need to pay it asap, I just wont know what to do otherwise
From Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 10:21 AM
subject Re: Money
I'm giving you the 800 - I said that, I promised it, I'm not in the same B&B as before im in one near the high street - the other one was nearly 45 minutes walk from work - 21£ per night for the smallest room in the B&B im in now.
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 10:23 AM
subject Re: Money
Oh I thought you were in the same one as you said it was an old lady before and its an old lady now.
Sorry I thought it was the same one as before, my mistake. No no I got it right, he was LYING
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 10:32 AM
subject Re: Money
Im even scared to go shopping today and spend £40 for gas and food just in case I wont be able to pay the rent, but With my freezer stuff gone Ill have to spend it .
I should be going out around 2pm today shopping if my mum can get here on time, no doubt she will be late.
You really should grab something for your sicky feeling, try to grab something on the way home today
From Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 10:46 AM
subject Re: Money
Buy the essentials.
Don't worry about the money. I give you my word i'll transfer it.
In all honesty - is it a good idea for it to sit in your account for the next 10 days? Do you have debt on that account?
I have stuck the 800 for you in my savings so it cant be debited at all - the moneys not going anywhere.In your savings account?!!! how about TRANSFERRING IT OVER TO ME?!
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 10:57 AM
subject Re: Money
Its ok to transfer it now as my bank account at Barclays is a brand new account and has nothing coming out of it, I set up the new account as I wanted an account that was completely clean, so I wouldnt worry about the money going anywhere as its perfectly safe in there.
ill only be buying the bare essentials anyway, I need gas as ive been out of gas for over a week now been using the microwave to cook food , so Ill grab some gas and only the things we need.
Id rather it sit in my account for 10 days so I can relax and not worry.
My direct debits dont come out of that account as I dont want money going out of it that I might need at a certain time,.
Thank you so so much Gareth, Ill try my best to get money to you once I get my benefits Meaning I was going to help HIM OUT with money for helping me out
From Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 11:02 AM
subject Re: Money
Ok - aslong as your sure its safe.
I don't need any money from you after, im not lending it, im giving it to you.
Cool now I have a stabbing pain in my side.
I just want to be sick so I stop feeling like im going to be sick.
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 12:20 PM
subject Re: Money
So far cant get hold of blood test results till I talk to Jo (Midwife) so ill phone her once I get back from shopping,
You ok?
Hope you start feeling better soon, try eating something
From Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 2:35 PM
subject Re: Money
Ye im ok, just feel really fragile. probably just going to go be sick and get it over with - not in work though - i'll have to wait till i get back.
Did you sort all the shopping ok with regard to freezers etc.?
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 2:56 PM
subject Re: Money
Think Im actually going to lay down for a little while and get a snooze and wait for Jo (Midwife) to call back, Ill let you know whats happening if not by email then by phone.
I hope you feel better later Gaz, Try to take something for this sickness and get some sleep when you get back to the B&B. Hope you dont have this all tomorrow.
Thank you so much again for transferring the money I dont know what I would of done without you, If you need anything from me just ask and I will return the money when I can.
Have a good sleep and try to eat something ok, remember lots of water!
Ill phone you tonight
From Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 3:20 PM
subject Re: Money
I can't wait to get some sleep. Feel horrid.
Have a nice evening.
And I don't want any of this money back ok, you can't afford it and you are in no way indebted to me ok!
Have a nice nap, keep me informed with Jo (Midwife) - she'll be going home soon anyway so unless you call her I doubt you will hear anything for another day.
From PND XXXXXX@gmail.com
to Gareth Rodger XXXXXX@gmail.com
date Wed, Aug 2, 2006 at 3:26 PM
subject Re: Money
Yeah it seems like you have come down with something really horrible sounds less like food poisoning to me and more like a bug! Really try to get something anything for the sickness and get some much earned sleep.!
Yeah I am going to call Jo (Midwife soon if she doesnt ring me back but I have her mobile number too so that does help.
Thankyou so much for helping me Gareth, I really appreciate it and I will always feel indebted to you. (That's what a psychopath programs you to think - Look at me I am pathetic - begging and praising him for HIS SCREW UPS!)
No problems if you have time read the book but I think you should go straight to bed or have a long shower then bed, you dont seem well enough to even be at work!
Ill call you later and let you know whats going on with Jo (Midwife)
Speak soon take care of yourself tonight
from PND
to Gareth Rodger
date Fri, Aug 4, 2006 at 7:39 AM
subject Hi.
Hi Gareth,
Just thought I would email and see how you are doing, I hope you feel better this morning.
I will email you later today with any news I might get ok.
Have a good day at work
From Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Fri, Aug 4, 2006 at 8:07 AM
subject Re: Hi.
Heya,
Yea, had an early night feeling alot better, XXXXXX's (his boss) sending me pissy e-mails..
"Whatever you need in terms of us working together, tell me and I'll meet with you. If you need to declare a sick day(s), do so and fulfil our commitment to XXXXXX and XXXXXX. I'll pay you for those days but you MUST treat this work as a priority now."
etc.
So i'll have to go down wales for the weekend and work there - then I have the net if I need it. I've booked a half day so I can make an early start.
Any word from Jo (The Midwife Who Arranges Abortion Appointments + Consultations) because another weeks passed.
Hope your ok,
~g
from PND
to Gareth Rodger
date Fri, Aug 4, 2006 at 8:12 AM
subject Re: Hi.
Heya,
Good, glad your feeling a lot better.
XXXXXX sounds as if hes really annoyed but hey that's not your fault, you have two jobs and you are not a miracle worker, they should give you a little leeway but a weekend working for them may calm them down.
Im calling her this morning. ill let you know once I have spoken to her.
-XXXXXX
from PND
to Gareth Rodger
date Fri, Aug 4, 2006 at 9:05 AM
subject Re: Hi.
I called her on XXXXXX its the "community" dept in the hospital where Jo is based, the other midwife said that Jo is on community today meaning shes out making house calls, so I left a message.
If you want to call at any time you can.
You are welcome to call the community midwife dept if you like her name is Jo XXXXXX
I will of course keep trying her dont worry, if she doesnt call back today I will call Dr XXXXXX as he knows everything to do with my history, but Im guessing he will tell me to just come and see him when I have my appointment with him on wednesday
Also Jo said she would get my scan appointment and I havent heard about that so I am thinking as normal I would have it just before seeing Dr XXXXXX on wednesday.
You have to have a scan first before abortion anyway as its mandatory and checks you do actually have a baby in there.
Ill keep trying Gaz, dont worry about anything ok... Even if I have to wait till wednesday when I see the doctor at the hospital the midwife said its fine to wait till then and I probably wouldnt get an abortion appointment until beginning of next week anyway.
I will sort it all so when you are down at Wales at the weekend I will send you emails (whether you get them or not) ok.. just so you are not kept in the dark
I am trying my best here Gareth, and Im not wasting time I know how important it all is and I am not putting it off you can call the lady yourself if you wish to.
Dont stress about it all, Im doing that enough as it is. hehe
Ill let you know if she calls today if she doesnt or I cant get hold of her ill let you know regardless
-XXXXXX
from Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Fri, Aug 4, 2006 at 10:19 AM
subject Re: Hi.
Hi,
Thankyou, should be able to pickup stuff in wales without a problem.
Knowing our luck the appointment will probably be on your birthday or something. heh, we can never win can we. (Goading me - My birthday is the 13th August so he probably thought it was great if the abortion was on that date- another kick when Im down)
Can you confirm the money went in ok? (I FINALLY get the rent money - I had to borrow £250 extra from my parents to pay the rest of it because Gareth wouldn't or couldn't pay it
~g
from Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Fri, Aug 4, 2006 at 11:20 AM
subject Re: Hi.
Off now,
Keep me informed and have a good evening. I'll be on a train for most of it.
Take Care,
~g
from PND
to Gareth Rodger
date Fri, Aug 4, 2006 at 11:21 AM
subject Re: Hi.
Bye try to have a good time in wales.
Ill keep you updated
from Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Fri, Aug 4, 2006 at 11:23 AM
subject Re: Hi.
Need to work on litts and play with dog. Those are my priorities.
speak to you soon,
~g
Priorities!!!!!! how about a PREGNANT PARTNER!!!! what about HER?!
On telling Gareth everything was ok with my blood test except I had a B12 Deficiency
from Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Tue, Aug 8, 2006 at 9:51 AM
subject Re: Blood test results.
Heya,
Haven't you always been anemic? - You've always had the iron tablets for it?
Have you decided what you are going to do now or are you still deciding? he is referring to the abortion again
Take care,
~g
ill spare the long email from me - it was telling Gareth to stop asking me about the decision to get an abortion and to tell him about the blood results and medication I was to take
from Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Tue, Aug 8, 2006 at 9:59 AM
subject Re: Blood test results.
Sorry about asking but I just want to know, you said you'd decide after seeing the doc.
Just wondering whether you've set up an appointment to go ahead or not.
~g
I have already told him I have to have the scan first and see the doctor before I can go ahead with appointments and decisions but he thinks everything can be done in the blink of an eye, he wants the abortion so badly he calls me to say he will come with me and hold my hand throughout the whole procedure
from PND
to Gareth Rodger
date Tue, Aug 8, 2006 at 10:01 AM
subject Re: Blood test results.
havent set up an appointment as I cant until I have the scan and see dr XXXXXX which is tommorrow and I need to get this GP thing blood crap out the way today one thing at a time im under oodles of pressure here and worried
from PND
to Gareth Rodger
date Tue, Aug 8, 2006 at 11:05 AM
subject Re: Blood test results.
Hi back...
The doctor had all my blood test results and said everything is fine, he said the red blood cell count was only moderately high and I shouldn't worry about it,
Im getting my blood taken tomorrow at 10AM by the nurse at the surgery in XXXXXX so they can send the bloods off asap.
Apart from that the doctor gave me some iron tablets and said it was nothing to worry about
But I am still worried so hopefully the midwife will call back and reassure me
from Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Tue, Aug 8, 2006 at 11:18 AM
subject Re: Blood test results.
Heya,
That's good to hear, I know your busy, just keep at it, I don't enjoy doing stuff everyday either.You are at work! how is that the SAME as going through uncertainty on whether or not your life could be ended because you choose to carry a baby to term? how is that the SAME as worrying for the life of your child? how is work and relaxing everyday knowing you have on responsibilities the SAME as having to find money to pay bills, run the children to school, rush to appointments, emailing you, going through stress? - IT"S NOT! but of course with a psychopath it's all about YOU
Had a late night last night (3am) after doing Litt's so i'm having an early night tonight, completely knackered and being really slow at work. Oh well its flash and 3d so atleast its not boring (other than the fact its a perconal injury compensation calculator).
Have a relax now until tomorrow, use this time to plan times for appointments.
It's good to plan and get a hold of things, if i remember correctly it's explained by internal + external locus of control.
Might be in that psychology book upstairs:
Locus Of Control
Wiki
Articles On Locus Of Control
Essentially take control, so nothing is left to external factors. e.g. get bus times instead of guess them. Write it all down, and by being in control of the situation stress is relieved.
Yea, you know how i get into my psychology once i start nattering about it.
One example.. if your train is delayed on the way to work, and you have an internal locus of control (take control of situations yourself instead of attribute them to external factors) then you would be stressed untill you took control of the situation by asking the guard how long the delay will be then phoning work explaining the situation.
Yes, im bored and tired. Hope it helps,
~g
In other words Gareth is saying "Don't let ANYTHING get in the way of appointments ie: Abortion, make sure you don't leave anything to chance - Get it done - Get it done
After the doctors appointment
from Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Wed, Aug 9, 2006 at 4:23 PM
About to finish work now, I assume your still out, hope all went ok.
Keep me informed,
~g
from PND
to Gareth Rodger
date Wed, Aug 9, 2006 at 7:47 PM
subject Call.
Sorry about the last email I only decided to call you after I sent it,
Like I said so so tired and washed out and upset and unhappy at the moment, being there today and seeing so many happy couples just reminds me im alone again and going through this on my own and I dont think you could even understand how that makes me feel and how wounded and hurt and unhappy that makes me. (At the pregnancy clinic in the hospital)
All I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep as much as possible, Ill email you tomorrow which by the time you read this will be today .
-XXXXXX
from Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Thu, Aug 10, 2006 at 9:35 AM
subject Re: Call.
Hi,
No worries, Hope your feeling better today.
Nick phoned me last night at a stupid hour as usual and said an XXXX number called him on a Saturday night, then said he might of accidentally called you (drunk) on the prev. Friday.
If that's the case, im very sorry, I asked him to delete the number and he said "nah its alright" so then I got arsey with him and he said he'd delete it.
Thanks for the call, it is 'reassuring'. No mention of what I said in the previous email - I was just trying to get him to understand how miserable I was but as psychopaths all do - they run away from real emotions and like to punish you with the silent treatment or they withold
Have a good day,
~g
from PND
to Gareth Rodger
date Thu, Aug 10, 2006 at 3:00 PM
subject Scan
I have a picture of the scan, I scanned it in at my mums house if you would like to see it I can send it to you, its rather large as its 300DPI
but you are welcome to see it if you would like to
from Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Thu, Aug 10, 2006 at 3:06 PM
subject re: image
I think it's best you don't send it to me.
~g
Emailed him with the details of the scan and the doctors informing me that "There is a chance the baby might be ok during this pregnancy" I didn't say I wasn't going through with the abortion and I didn't say I was... his next reply was my answer - he was going to leave me regardless of whether or not I went through with it. I knew from his answer I couldn't do anything to save the relationship, it was hopeless
From Gareth Rodger
to PND
date Thu, Aug 10, 2006 at 3:03 PM
Thankyou for your e-mail.
As I have said every-time I call you, I just want to know what you are going to do. Thank-you for telling me what I was waiting for you to say.
I was thinking more in terms of my future and your future. That is where our opinions have always differed.
Thanks,
~g
See?! This was Gareth bargaining ie: Rent for Abortion, I didn't see that at the time, but that's what he was doing, he wanted a fair trade, (money for death) - Gareth is a sick, evil, twisted being
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