The Modus Operandi of the "Emotional Blackmailer"

He is too good to be true - He is soft-spoken and polite, he is kind and loves women, he is respectful, he doesn't come on too strong FOR THE FIRST FEW MEETINGS ONLY. He's always on the lookout for a patsy, but he's in no hurry as there's always another one around the corner so he'll take his time in coming on to you.

He'll be there more and more frequently - gazing at you with puppy dog eyes; wanting to know everything about you, asking your advice, making it look like you are getting to know each other and forming a bond.

He will put himself in the best possible light - including lying through his teeth about his ambitions, activities, hopes and dreams.

His seduction techniques are often subtle and well-practiced - It will seem he did nothing to seduce you until you look back and analyze it. He sat and stood close to you, he brushed against you, but it didn't seem to be on purpose.

He suddenly "Turns on the Charm" and turns up the heat - Once you're hypnotized by his sweetness and modesty and respectfulness, he will pounce on you one night and turn into a Mr. Hyde. It "just happened." This is the critical moment to run away, don't let him touch you. He'll leave you breathless wondering what exactly happened. He'll turn on all the charm full force and you'll be wanting him from then on, yet wanting some breathing room. You won't get any. Ever. It won't bother you at first - you'll think he's attentive and ardent.

He starts using the lines technique - Once you're "seeing" each other, he'll be a real swain, discussing how amazing this new relationship is, how different you are from any woman he ever met; and he'll talk about your remarkable beauty and how "alike" you are. He will talk about your "resonance" and describe all the awful women he knew before who didn't want a good man - who wanted someone to abuse them.
All of this is meaningless talk. He uses the same lines on every woman.
He will whine and even shed tears - if you say you have other things to do, other people to see, or want to be alone after seeing him 8 days in a row. He enjoys being abused, so if you scream at him it only makes him feel more secure. He got used to fighting all around him as a child and he equates fighting with love.

He'll start demanding that you "prove your love" - You have become nothing but his prop. He has become your jailer. The key is: he demands CONSTANT proof of your love.

He will "seem" to accept your decision to break up - As the months roll along and you are tired of his constant presence, begging, whining and having unreasonable control of your life, you will decide to break up with him. He will then agree to back off, give you some space, and try to do better.

He'll tell you he has "changed" - No matter how many times you break up with him, he will call you to tell you that he needs you, that he has changed, and he will say it all in a calm voice as if he respects your decision to come back or not. His game is to stay away just long enough that you forget his annoying traits and miss the good parts. But if you agree to even one meeting it will be back to daily visits and demands for constant pampering again.

Getting Rid of the Bastard
The only way to get rid of the emotional blackmailer is when he has found another victim to be his patsy. He will already be courting her while seeing you (he is juggling two or more women per day).

Once he has the new person in his thrall and has nothing to lose by losing you, he will drop you like a hot potato.

He prey's on sympathy, and lives to control - his purpose is to have many women in his control - perhaps one for money and one to scream at him, and both for companionship. He gets a high from controlling people, because as a child he had no control over anything and frequently felt abandoned. This is why the more women who feel sorry for him, listen to him, go out with him, the better he feels and behaves. However, he is telling each of them the same thing: they are the best, the most beautiful, the most like him, he wants to spend the rest of his life with ONLY THEM.

The character of the Emotional Blackmailer
Everything he says or does is for gain. He does nothing for the sheer joy of it, or because he likes people or wants to build a relationship: he is looking ahead to what he can get out of the person: sex, housekeeping, emotional support, someone to listen to him spin his tales of woe, what have you. Loyalty or faithfulness are not in his nature.
He will become vicious and even violent if he is crossed, contradicted, found out, exposed or denied what he wants. It looks exactly like the tantrum of a five year old. That is still his emotional age, although he has the smooth moves of a Casanova down pat.

How Do You Extricate Yourself from the Emotional Blackmailer?
One way out is to cut off all contact. Even email may put you back in his control if you get back into the same pattern of doing what he wants when he wants it. He is a master manipulator who will prey on your sympathy for him as a human being.


Any time spent reasoning with him is wasted - he doesn't hear a word you say. All arguments are circular. If you discuss codependence, he says it doesn't exist, that it's a psychobabble word for two people caring for each other. If he has no answer to your logic he will remain silent and wait for you to shut up, then start with his argument again.

After you have cut off contact, he will stalk you for a while if he doesn't have a replacement lined up yet, but this will cease because it isn't fulfilling enough for him. He NEEDS feedback, anger, someone to scream at him. Any kind of attention pleases him - he is a true masochist who would enjoy being slapped. If you catch him? He will accuse YOU of stalking HIM!

Another way to ditch the Emotional Blackmailer is to turn the tables on him. A man who is so good at manipulating is also easily manipulated to do whatever you want IF you do it the right way. You can be rid of him within a few weeks without avoiding him by doing the following:
Exhibit jealousy and make it clear that you won't share him with anyone else, and you expect to spend the rest of your life with him and have exclusive rights over him. This will make him feel suffocated for a change and he will be eagerly stepping out on you while claiming he wants only you.

Lose interest in doing anything you used to do for him or with him; stop taking him seriously; don't listen to his rants about his job; ridicule his ideas, act bored and make it clear you see him only as a useful decoration. Tell him to grow up, tell him you are well aware of his manipulative games but you like him anyway and demand he be faithful to you. This will scare him and make him step up his efforts with the other women, and he will soon be out of your life.

A Final Note:

Healthy, non-manipulative men:

Don't beg
Don't tell you that you're "the best"
Don't use the lines "if you really love me", or "prove you love me by doing this for me"...
Don't put down their girlfriends or wives (former or current), even mildly
Respect your right to have other online friends
Share all their information with you: address, phone numbers, job, etc. They don't mind if you double check on them for your own safety!

The Modus Operandi of the "Emotional Blackmailer"

He is too good to be true - He is soft-spoken and polite, he is kind and loves women, he is respectful, he doesn't come on too strong FOR THE FIRST FEW MEETINGS ONLY. He's always on the lookout for a patsy, but he's in no hurry as there's always another one around the corner so he'll take his time in coming on to you.

He'll be there more and more frequently - gazing at you with puppy dog eyes; wanting to know everything about you, asking your advice, making it look like you are getting to know each other and forming a bond.

He will put himself in the best possible light - including lying through his teeth about his ambitions, activities, hopes and dreams.

His seduction techniques are often subtle and well-practiced - It will seem he did nothing to seduce you until you look back and analyze it. He sat and stood close to you, he brushed against you, but it didn't seem to be on purpose.

He suddenly "Turns on the Charm" and turns up the heat - Once you're hypnotized by his sweetness and modesty and respectfulness, he will pounce on you one night and turn into a Mr. Hyde. It "just happened." This is the critical moment to run away, don't let him touch you. He'll leave you breathless wondering what exactly happened. He'll turn on all the charm full force and you'll be wanting him from then on, yet wanting some breathing room. You won't get any. Ever. It won't bother you at first - you'll think he's attentive and ardent.

He starts using the lines technique - Once you're "seeing" each other, he'll be a real swain, discussing how amazing this new relationship is, how different you are from any woman he ever met; and he'll talk about your remarkable beauty and how "alike" you are. He will talk about your "resonance" and describe all the awful women he knew before who didn't want a good man - who wanted someone to abuse them.
All of this is meaningless talk. He uses the same lines on every woman.
He will whine and even shed tears - if you say you have other things to do, other people to see, or want to be alone after seeing him 8 days in a row. He enjoys being abused, so if you scream at him it only makes him feel more secure. He got used to fighting all around him as a child and he equates fighting with love.

He'll start demanding that you "prove your love" - You have become nothing but his prop. He has become your jailer. The key is: he demands CONSTANT proof of your love.

He will "seem" to accept your decision to break up - As the months roll along and you are tired of his constant presence, begging, whining and having unreasonable control of your life, you will decide to break up with him. He will then agree to back off, give you some space, and try to do better.

He'll tell you he has "changed" - No matter how many times you break up with him, he will call you to tell you that he needs you, that he has changed, and he will say it all in a calm voice as if he respects your decision to come back or not. His game is to stay away just long enough that you forget his annoying traits and miss the good parts. But if you agree to even one meeting it will be back to daily visits and demands for constant pampering again.

Getting Rid of the Bastard
The only way to get rid of the emotional blackmailer is when he has found another victim to be his patsy. He will already be courting her while seeing you (he is juggling two or more women per day).

Once he has the new person in his thrall and has nothing to lose by losing you, he will drop you like a hot potato.

He prey's on sympathy, and lives to control - his purpose is to have many women in his control - perhaps one for money and one to scream at him, and both for companionship. He gets a high from controlling people, because as a child he had no control over anything and frequently felt abandoned. This is why the more women who feel sorry for him, listen to him, go out with him, the better he feels and behaves. However, he is telling each of them the same thing: they are the best, the most beautiful, the most like him, he wants to spend the rest of his life with ONLY THEM.

The character of the Emotional Blackmailer
Everything he says or does is for gain. He does nothing for the sheer joy of it, or because he likes people or wants to build a relationship: he is looking ahead to what he can get out of the person: sex, housekeeping, emotional support, someone to listen to him spin his tales of woe, what have you. Loyalty or faithfulness are not in his nature.
He will become vicious and even violent if he is crossed, contradicted, found out, exposed or denied what he wants. It looks exactly like the tantrum of a five year old. That is still his emotional age, although he has the smooth moves of a Casanova down pat.

How Do You Extricate Yourself from the Emotional Blackmailer?
One way out is to cut off all contact. Even email may put you back in his control if you get back into the same pattern of doing what he wants when he wants it. He is a master manipulator who will prey on your sympathy for him as a human being.


Any time spent reasoning with him is wasted - he doesn't hear a word you say. All arguments are circular. If you discuss codependence, he says it doesn't exist, that it's a psychobabble word for two people caring for each other. If he has no answer to your logic he will remain silent and wait for you to shut up, then start with his argument again.

After you have cut off contact, he will stalk you for a while if he doesn't have a replacement lined up yet, but this will cease because it isn't fulfilling enough for him. He NEEDS feedback, anger, someone to scream at him. Any kind of attention pleases him - he is a true masochist who would enjoy being slapped. If you catch him? He will accuse YOU of stalking HIM!

Another way to ditch the Emotional Blackmailer is to turn the tables on him. A man who is so good at manipulating is also easily manipulated to do whatever you want IF you do it the right way. You can be rid of him within a few weeks without avoiding him by doing the following:
Exhibit jealousy and make it clear that you won't share him with anyone else, and you expect to spend the rest of your life with him and have exclusive rights over him. This will make him feel suffocated for a change and he will be eagerly stepping out on you while claiming he wants only you.

Lose interest in doing anything you used to do for him or with him; stop taking him seriously; don't listen to his rants about his job; ridicule his ideas, act bored and make it clear you see him only as a useful decoration. Tell him to grow up, tell him you are well aware of his manipulative games but you like him anyway and demand he be faithful to you. This will scare him and make him step up his efforts with the other women, and he will soon be out of your life.

A Final Note:

Healthy, non-manipulative men:

Don't beg
Don't tell you that you're "the best"
Don't use the lines "if you really love me", or "prove you love me by doing this for me"...
Don't put down their girlfriends or wives (former or current), even mildly
Respect your right to have other online friends
Share all their information with you: address, phone numbers, job, etc. They don't mind if you double check on them for your own safety!

When Others Believe Your Abuser

WHEN OTHERS BELIEVE YOUR (Narcissistic or Psychopathic) ABUSER


Since when is it good to be friendly with bad people? Since when is winking at their wrongdoing a virtue?

Perhaps someone can quote chapter and verse in the comments, because holier-than-thous really deserve to have their religion's true teachings show what frauds their twisting of religious doctrine makes them.

In the New Testament, in Revelations, I believe, in one of the letters to the churches, some holier-than-thou Christians are read the riot act for that very same pretense.

The author unloads both barrels at them with this truth: "Good people are not lukewarm toward evil" it says.

Cowards are.

Loving good is hating evil. And vice versa. Love is an attraction; hate a repulsion. But that is too simple for complex people to understand.

Now I am not saying that we must reject everyone not perfect, for then we would reject everyone, including ourselves. But decent people need no instruction.




There is a point at which behavior becomes predatory and malicious - a point at which one is morally obligated to separate themselves from that person.
You thus take away a bad actor's safety in numbers. You show disapproval. You discourage others from behaving the same way. You comfort the victim by showing him or her that the pain caused them by the bad guy matters to you.

Is any of that evil?

It's just a way of discouraging the harm the bad guy is doing others by showing that you want nothing to do with someone who hurts others like that.

Where is the sin in that, pray tell? Sounds like fine, upstanding conduct to me.

Jesus spoke of this when he said that "indecent conduct" is a special case and justification for divorce even. At the time, the terms "indecent" or "lewd" conduct simply meant "lowdown" or "despicable" conduct of any sort.

And that statement of his, qualifying his disapproval of divorce, is just common sense.

Why? Let's say you are married to a Mafia boss. Is it right for you live in his big fancy house, being waited on by his hired staff? Is it right for you to PROFIT from the crimes he commits and ther damage he does to people?

To the contrary:
it is immoral for you not to divorce him when you find out what he is.
The same people who make a virtue of "accepting" abusive narcissists, relentlessly persecute anyone for any hint of racism or sexism. THAT they won't tolerate. They wouldn't DREAM of tolerating anything politically incorrect like that.

But though they know and believe that the narcissist has brutally abused you, they see no reason to show any disapproval of that.

Hmmm. Whom do they think they're fooling?

They make nothing of that narcissist's abuse of you. They countenance it.

If instead they rejected the narcissist, they would be doing the one small thing they could to get on the right side, the victim's side.

But they abandon the victim and smile in the abuser's face.

Not so holy as they pretend.

by Kathy Krajco

How Psychopaths View Their World

Most psychopaths are very arrogant and cocky. However, when charming a potential victim, they say all the "right" things and make you believe they are kind-hearted souls; not always, but often enough.

The truth is, psychopaths are not altruistic and do not really care about friendships or ties. Guggenbuhl-Craig states that they are very talented at appearing much more humble than the average person, but are hardly so. Some are also able to feign concern about the lower classes and profess that they are on the side of the underdog, the poor, and so forth. A psychopath may claim, for instance (if he's from a low socio-economic class), that he dislikes rich people intensely, but at the same time, he will inwardly yearn and envy what they have. He is like the narcissist, desiring to reflect a false image of himself through his possessions. Among his possessions are included human beings: girlfriends, wives, and children. Some psychopaths can even very fond of animals (contrary to the common viewpoint), but still view them as objects in relation to themselves.

The psychopath is filled with greed inside, relating to the world through power, even though, as I said, on the outside he can claim to be on the side of the disenfranchised or the downtrodden. I knew one who liked to repeat phrases such as "they have to stop keeping my brothers down" but he didn't mean a word of it. He was actually a racist. The psychopath can also often identify himself as a revolutionary.

On the flip side, the psychopath also often paints a picture of himself as the downcast anti-hero (his "own worst enemy type") and some like to see themselves as lone-wolves. The psychopath may even claim he is sensitive and profound, but inside he is nothing but emptiness and greed. Whether or not the psychopath is aware of his behaviour is something that is often debated. I do believe that psychopaths usually know exactly what they are doing, although others suggest that psychopaths are "born, not made."



I believe that psychopathy is primarily genetic. A son with a psychopathic father often will be psychopathic as well, especially if the father was abusive and/or abandoned the family as well.

As mentioned, psychopaths often claim to settle for second best (being their own worst enemy) and then think they deserve better. This may be manifested in the way they seek power -- either through money (i.e. material goods), manipulation and/or treating people as objects. By enacting such behaviours, the psychopath is also trying to "get back" at society and the world, in order to gain retribution. They will spend their entire lives doing this, whether they are rich or poor, or whatever their social background may be, although studies have shown that they often come from an impoverished or lower socio- economic background and/or social status. (In one of Dr. Donald Black's studies, many of the men were "overwhelmingly white, blue collar, lower middle class, and married, and most had not graduated from high school.". (Let me add, despite Dr. Blacks' studies, psychopaths can still exist in any social class. Do not be misled). I also wanted to point out that I will be using "he" and "him" for the term psychopath throughout this website; let it not be forgotten, yes, female psychopaths exist as well; however, according to the Sixth Edition of Abnormal Behavior, printed in 2000 by three male professors, David, Derald, and Stanley Sue, the rates do differ by gender. Included in their excellent text is a report by the The American Psychiatric Association that the general estimate is 3% for men, and less than 1% in women [Personality Disorders and Impulse Control Disorders, 238].

What is very disturbing about psychopaths, besides their sense of special entitlement, is the complete lack of empathy for normal people, for "antisocials (psychopaths) seem to lack a conscience, feeling little or no empathy for the people whose lives they touch...the antisocial effortlessly resists all regulation, unable to see beyond his self-interest or to adopt standards of right versus wrong.".

Not all psychopath are uneducated low-class misfits. Some of them are quite handsome and have good careers, and use this all the more to their benefit. Take a look at Ted Bundy; my friend's mother once went on a double-date with him and claimed he was the nicest person. His mother said he was the "best son any mother could have." Bundy was also apparently quite good-looking, which made him even more dangerous. So not all psychopaths are derelict, low-class, high school drop-outs, there are many who also work in professional occupations; the fact remains that there are just more psychopaths who come from impoverished backgrounds than not.

Also, not all psychopaths are calm, cool, and collected. Some of them appear strange or odd, and their behaviour can be eccentric or unusual. I believe this is what can confuse victims most often. Psychopaths often appear [see pictures here]: intense and "electrifying". Do not be misled if someone appears harmless, "foolish", or seems offbeat. An "angelic" visage can also often fool people. Just picture John Wayne Gacy in his "clown costume" as he entertained children as one example. Another example which someone on the "Victims of Psychopathy" board came up with was Bill Clinton and his "goofy" yet loveable demeanour (so is Clinton really a psychopath? Many believe he is).

A psychopath (he was diagnosed anti-social) I knew used the harmless cover-up quite well. Everyone thought he was very funny. I did too, at first. Then, little by little, I realised there was something "not right" about him. At first his seemingly harmless pranks were charming, but after a while, he became more of a nuisance and disrupted our work environment, which created havoc and tension between employees. I've learned, a psychopath can use these disguises for his own hidden purpose.Regardless of race, social class, or occupation, however, the psychopath is dangerous to society, for "the nature of ASP (psychopathy) implies that it wreaks more havoc on society than most other mental illnesses do, since the disorder primarily involves reactions against the social environment that drag other people into its destructive web...The despair and anxiety wrought by antisocials (psychopaths) tragically affects families and communities, leaving deep physical and emotional scars..."


There is much to the psychopathic personality which is baffling and disturbing. 1 in about 25-30 people are psychopathic (also known as sociopaths or anti-social -- the correct title being psychopath.) Since the majority or them are men, I wrote this site in part, to warn women about the dangers, especially women online, which I believe is a favourite "new medium" which appeals to psychopaths. I have personal experience with this subject as well. This is because "antisocials (psychopaths) are not just characters in our fictional or true-life entertainments. They are family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, or strangers we may encounter every day." .

Pamela Jayne, M.A., writes that "30% of men are sociopathic." If about every three out of ten men I may meet are psychopathic, I would assume this is not something to take lightly. According to these statistics, that would mean every three out of ten men and maybe every one out of ten females. The truth is, we do not really know exactly how many individuals are psychopathic; however, there seems to be a rise in the prevalence of psychopathy and that is why some claim that numbers are higher. Dr. Black claims that psychopathy leads right behind depression, along with schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder, which is an astounding fact.

Projection

by Kathy Krajco

Projection is a new name for an old thing, scapegoating. In this section I just explain it in general terms, with examples. In the next section, we zero-in on how narcissists project and what is unique about the way they do it.

Projection. We find it everywhere. Which should be no surprise. It's actually the oldest trick in The Book. Really. The Serpent pulled it on Eve in the Book of Genesis when, in the very act of lying to Eve, he accused God of being the liar.

Here's how the story goes. The serpent had just suggested that Eve eat the Forbidden Fruit, and she replied that God told them not to because eating it would bring about their fall. The cunning serpent said, "God told you THAT?"

Slick, eh? In the very act of telling a whopper, the sneaky snake left-handedly called God a liar, through the power of suggestion. Thus the Prince of Lies pulled an identity-switch with God.


Moses ritualized a demonstration of projection in the Book of Leviticus as the prescribed rite for the annual Day of Atonement.

In this "atonement" ritual, all the people had to come forward, one by one, and make the scapegoat (a perfect yearling firstborn male to represent someone unblemished and with great potential) take their sins away from them and onto himself. How did they do this? By accusing him of their sins and laying the blame on his head. Then they had to purge themselves of him and make him atone for their sins. How did they do that? By chasing him away into the desert until he gave up trying to follow them back home, and then deserting him there. Which was the sentence worse than death = doom, because he would slowly die of thirst.

One hardly thinks they enjoyed doing this. Would you?

Wouldn't you instead get Moses' message? More powerful than a sermon, eh? Wouldn't you hang your head a little, thinking, "Jeez, are we that transparent?"

But never underestimate willful obtuseness' power to get things exactly backwards. Soon, people had done just that. Instead of being duly shamed by this ritual reenactment of how they "cleansed" and "saved" themselves (from justice) by scapegoating those who have the most to lose and are the least deserving, they decided that this ritual meant that this despicable behavior is the right thing to do! the way to cleanse yourself of sin!

How convenient.

They didn't get it later, either, when John the Baptist and Jesus of Nazareth came along and said: "Read our lips: To cleanse yourselves of your sins, don't punish an innocent scapegoat for them! Just R-E-F-O-R-M. Too complex?"

People still managed to just anti-get the message yet again, deciding that this meant they should graduate from animals and sacrifice these two men as the scapegoats to die for/of (in scripture you have this double entente, because the word used can mean either for or of) their sins.

So, then St. Paul gave it a shot. He really tried to make people see that they'd better quit acting stupid and projecting, instead of repenting, their sins. In his letter to the Romans, he basically put it in the plainest terms possible — those of a threat that asked, "Just whom do you think you're fooling?"

You — who steal — preach that other people should stop stealing. You — who commit adultery — preach that others should stop committing adultery. You — who commit sacrilege — preach that others should stop being idolaters. — Letter to the Romans, Chapter 2, verses 21-22
How's that for letting the self-righteous know that you know all their finger pointing is just projection/scapegoating?

Ah, but obtuseness is invincible, and twisted thinking can make black white. So, again this simple message went in one ear and out the other. All three peoples of that Book (Jews, Christians, and Muslims) still got it exactly backwards. They all say that the blood of the innocent victim on them "cleanses" them of their sins.

Projection. We see it everywhere. It's a kind of baptism = a mud bath people give their betters, by rubbing themselves off on them. Here's how it works.

Got a guilty conscience? If so, you've certainly been tempted to say to yourself, "I'm not so bad." To prove that, you must look around for an example of someone who's worse. Then you can say to yourself, "Aha! I'm not as bad as So-and-So."

But guess what? You didn't pick a So-and-So who really has that fault and has it worse than you. You picked someone with very little mud on his name, someone who looks cleaner than you, if possible, someone who has the corresponding virtue instead of that fault.

We're all tempted to pull this stunt. Some of us do, and some of us don't.

For example: If you're stingy, look for someone with a reputation for generosity, because generosity in your neighbor puts your stinginess to shame by serving as a foil that (by contrast) makes your stinginess more noticeable. Then smear your vice off on him. Tell everybody that he's stingy. Make everything he does sound stingy.

Thus you kill two birds with one stone: you rid yourself of your stinginess and him of his generosity.

Not. But looks are everything, and Truth doesn't matter, and this fraud makes you look good by comparison with him. Ah, cheating is much easier than freeing yourself of sin the legitimate way, by repentance.

You can see why narcissists highly prize this device called "projection" and become expert in it.

Projection. We see it everywhere. For example, guess who's favorite portrayal of the President of the United States is as "a Hitler" or "even worse than Hitler?" You guessed it, the Germans. German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder did it in campaign speeches to turn the tide and get elected. And guess whose favorite and constant characterization of Americans is as "arrogant?" You guessed it, the French. Projection.

Once you catch on to projection, you do recognize it in a vast amount of the badmouthing you hear.

Magicians call this trick "misdirection." With one hand magicians misdirect our attention so we don't see what they're doing with their other hand.

Finger-pointers do the same thing. They direct people's attention (critical attention, negative attention) away from themselves and what they're doing by accusing someone else of doing the same, or essentially the same, thing. Thus they make themselves seem like people who never would dream of doing such a thing themselves — while in the very act of doing it.

Pointing the finger at others is a red flag of malignant narcissism.

The worst examples of this that I personally know of happened in schools. In one case, a teacher (a malignant narcissist in a private school) took indecent liberties with, and sexually abused, pubescent boys he lured into his home while his wife was at work on the night shift. It was later discovered that many people knew that he invited boys to his home on Friday nights. But nobody had seen anything wrong with that. Over time, many school employees had caught him in his classroom alone with a boy — behind a closed, sometimes locked, door and in the back where neither could be seen from hall. Nobody had seen anything suspicious in that. Many people knew this teacher had an explosive temper that he often had to make excuses to a berated student for, but nobody had seen anything abnormal in that. In fact nobody saw anything inappropriate in the inappropriately patronizing and intimate relationship he had with his students. Even when it came between them and their parents.

And nobody thought anything of it when, every few years, he seized any opening in a conversation to pop off with "What? Are you the only one around here who doesn't know? He likes boys," referring to some unmarried teacher. One unmarried teacher after another.

Thus he play-acted the part of his anti-type, a man who was abhorred by homosexual child abuse = certainly NOT the type who might do such a thing himself. Though people saw plenty to view with suspicion in that unmarried teacher, nobody saw anything suspicious in the accuser failing to cite any evidence or report these allegations he was so sure of.

They didn't even see anything suspicious in the accuser glomping onto that unmarried teacher to become his best friend. Even when his doing this became a glaring pattern.

Indeed, every single unmarried teacher who came to that school got assassinated by this, his best friend. And nobody thought anything of it! Satan polished his halo by being a pillar of his parish, a lector and lay communion distributor. And he got away with this for over fifteen years.

A serial killer is less cruel. He doesn't betray a sacred trust by doing it to people who have every good reason to trust him. And even if he tortures them, he doesn't doom his victims to a life-sentence of torture in Hell.

Notice that the "innocent" people he fooled ain't innocent. They committed the Original Sin, believing an obvious lie just because it was juicy. Like Eve.


To wit: It flew in the face of reason for her to think God might be lying. He was her creator. He provided everything for her and Adam. Which means that he had proved he wanted what was good them. He denied them but one thing, telling them that it was for their own good. So, what was she thinking? She had every good reason to believe that he was telling the truth.


Moreover, what credibility is there in a stranger who slithers up to you like a sidewinder? Why not doubt the serpent — someone she had no reason to trust?


Bottom Line: God has high credibility; serpent has about zero credibility. So, Eve wasn't honestly fooled: she just liked serpent's version of the world better, because it made her able to be as God. Adam's reason for swallowing the lie was even worse: he just did it to agree with Eve.


In other words, to please her he prostituted his mind to her. And thus political correctness was born.


Narcissists and political character assassins are dangerous precisely because people do this. If, say, you have known someone for 10 years, you know a lot about him. Doubtless, you have seen his honesty tested and seen that he proved to be an honest man. So, nobody should be able to slither up to you tomorrow and tell you he's dishonest. If you buy that, you are betraying that honest man. To believe that lie, you must annihilate history and 10 years of evidence to the contrary. You are not innocent.
Here's an example of the finger-pointer being guilty of the moral equivalent: Mr. Self-Righteous union-busts to keep the workers in his shoe factory so poor they go barefoot — and shows moral indignation in loudly condemning his neighbor for "muzzling an ox trampling the grain." He gets all fuzzy looking if you try to explain to him that he's doing the same thing, only worse. That's because he views rules, not as guidelines to be followed, but rather as red lines to catch other people with one toe over so he can condemn them. So he ignores the spirit of the law and obsesses over the letter of it.

Here's another example of projection that camouflages guilt for the moral equivalent. It also shows that even religious institutions are guilty of projection to polish their image.

The Catholic Church points the finger at mothers who have abortions, saying, "What kind of mother does that?" Okay, that position on the issue is reasonable, and it is the type of thing religion is expected to express its opinion on. But why does the Church harp on abortion when it has so little to say about countless other issues?

What issues? Well, for example, why don't we hear the Church crying out against Catholic dictators who mass-murder and torture their own people? You never hear a peep out of Rome about that. Why does the Church declare women who have abortions excommunicated but not these Catholic dictators? Why didn't it condemn the Irish Catholics in the IRA murdering Protestants? Why doesn't it cry out against the Catholic Mafia? Why doesn't it stop taking money from gangsters and burying them as Catholics in good standing? Why don't we hear the Church crying out against the scourge of child-beating and wife-beating, anti-Semitism and other bigotry, drugs, sweat shops, union-busting, exploiting undocumented migrant workers, and so forth? Why don't we hear it preaching against slander and character assassination? Why is it obsessed instead with just gays and women who have abortions?

The answer is obvious. The Church points the finger at others only for "sins" of which IT is guilty. This deflects attention for those sins off itself and onto others. Damage repair for the Church's image. Not to mention misdirection like that of the teacher in the example above.

The Church goes to great lengths to portray an image of itself as our "holy mother," virtually fusing its image with that of Jesus' mother. The harping on abortion is just part of that act. All this holy motherhood posturing tends to make us forget what Holy Mother Church has done to her own children.

Recall how truculently she has waded through her children by the tens of thousands throughout history. She aborted the lives of countless of her children — throughout the 900 years of the episcopal and monastic inquisitions and now by allowing predatory priests and other religious to sexually prey on countless more of her children. She has stonewalled justice, intimidated victims who seek it, and protected criminals — spiriting them off to Rome or to a distant school or parish for a fresh set of unsuspecting prey.

And to be fair, the Catholic Church certainly isn't the only religious institution guilty of using the pointed finger for misdirection to get our attention off its own sins and act like the opposite of what its conduct makes it. In fact, it does at least have something officially on record against many other evils: religious preachers of other denominations don't even seem to know that the other great evils exist.

Paul was in line with the ancient Hebrew scriptures. Scripture has a name for the spirit in which people point the finger at someone crying, "Look what they're doing! It's evil!" The name of that spirit is satan, which means the "finger-pointer," the "name-slayer" (slanderer, character assassin), the "prosecutor/persecutor," or the "accuser." In some places (e.g., the Book of Job) they also call this spirit "the policer of the world."

So, projection is everywhere.

The worst thing about it is that mud sticks best to a clean spot.

I'm sure that people who do this think they're clever, but it's childsplay. Send a muddy child into an unsupervised schoolyard and wait to see what happens. He will rub himself off on every cleaner, smaller child he can find, until they are all crying and he looks good by comparison.

Looks good by comparison. Those are the all-important words. The hypocrite makes himself look good by comparison with others. He does that the easy way — by smearing himself off on others to make them look bad. This is the root of envy. Which is NOT a rare motive for what people say about others. It's an all-too-common motive.

The Sexual Relationship with a Narcissist

The sexual relationship with the narcissist is most peculiar. Narcissists are exhibitionists and sex is just one further means of being admired to her or him.

Intimacy does not exist and you will frequently feel used. The narcissist will demand that you subdue yourself. Your own sexual preferences will be boycotted or twisted.

Narcissists have a strong tendency to sexually abuse a partner and sometimes children. Here is a list of SOME of these abusive behaviors (these are not true in all cases; nor do ALL have to be present for it to be NPD):

* You are prohibited from masturbating or feel good about your own body under the threat of punishment

* You are being made to watch porn although you don't want to

* You are not allowed any sexual gratification yourself

* The narcissist pretends to be sexual (desirous) for you but is after her/ his gratification only


* Your sexual past is being torn apart or made fun of

* You are being told that all you want is sex (although you know this is not the case, however sex is central to the narcissist)

* The narcissist instigates sex (like telling you erotic things and sending you pictures or emails which are sexual) but then decides last minute that nothing is to take place; or simply demands abusive sex

* The narcissist abuses you while you are asleep (sleep rape)

* You are being raped (coerced verbally or emotionally - includes "I love you") on a regular basis

* You are feeling humiliated and yet the narcissist claims that (s)he has been humiliated

* The narcissist finds it funny when you get hurt and enjoys it when you get hurt, this can be physically or emotionally

* The narcissist instigates and turns everything into a sexual game

* The narcissist demands prolonged sex way above the limit you can handle nor want to

* The narcissist tells you that you want to have sexual relations with everybody -- although the narcissist has a strong tendency to flirt with others and to be infidel

* You are being told off for the fact that you were flirting with someone although you are not flirting at all

* The narcissist makes fun of your sexuality in front of others (e.g. you have a small penis or small breasts)

* The narcissist demands sex when you make it clear that you don't want to

* The narcissist has to try out everything possible

* The narcissist is an exhibitionist and will want sex in public and dresses inappropriately at home and or elsewhere
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

There is another form of sexual abuse with Narcissists (and other Pathologicals). In fact, so I believe, it is the most common one, and hence it took me so long to get it. This form of abuse comes in four stages:
* Firstly, the victim will be forced to reveal her or his sexual preferences and experiences to the perpetrator.

* Secondly, the perpetrator will condition the victim to direct her or his entire sexuality towards the perpetrator. At this stage, the sexual relationship is intense.

* Thirdly, the perpetrator reduces the intensity of the sexual relationship dramatically, so that the victim is in constant sexual need. (Sexual Hyperarousal)

* Fourthly, the perpetrator grants inproper sexual gratification in order to maintain the sexual need of the victim. Now, the victim, who is (sexually) dependent on the perpetrator, can be humiliated, manipulated and used.

Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

Chameleon Group

Charmer/ Abusers and their 'Prey'

Obviously, we want to know how we ever get caught up in a spiderweb in the first place. If we were conscious of what we were doing, we would not be doing it. Or at least, a great number of us would not be doing it. This personality that I refer to as Charmer/Abuser.

You need to view a charmer/abuser as someone who probably does not have the same values as you at all. They are a chameleon because it serves their purpose. They quickly "put on" whatever "you are" and "need" in order to use you for whatever they need from you. They are, indeed, a great sales person. The kind that "does not" repel you in the beginning, but instead, almost magically draws you closer and closer and closer very quickly. How do they gain entrance into your life? Read the following and take the time to look back over your life. There is opportunity here for life changes.

A charmer/abuser looks for victims with the following characteristics (just one will do):


* low self-esteem,
* a past with a lot of trauma,
* neediness,
* abusive parent(s),
* fairy tale type thinking (i.e. - everyone has "some good" in them),
* maybe even someone with a little rebelliousness (to some degree...),
* or a history of relationships with males that were abusive



They listen intently to you, as you, voluntarily tell them your innermost thoughts, secrets, deep hurts and dreams. They quickly assimilate from this what kind of camouflage to weave "for you". You basically tell them what to become, in order that they might hide who they really are from you... while erecting the man of your dreams right before your eyes. While they may not come over completely to your way of thinking about everything, they will agree with you on certain things that are very important to you. For example, if you have been abused in your life, they will assume the position of "protector" and will be a great empathizer regarding your pain, at least in the beginning...

They look for the "red flashing lights" and become a ready-made ally for you in some way. If you are a single mother, he might all "too quickly" become super-man, because he knows how vulnerable you are in this respect.

They quickly want to become physical with you because once that happens, you instantly have a cloud over your eyes. Charmer/abuser's know this about women, especially wounded women and they use it to their utmost advantage. If the sex is good, they assume you will follow them anywhere. Charmer/abuser's know that touch and physical gratification in the sexual realm is like a drug for you. It's almost like heroin for some women who have been sexually abused. It tells a woman, in an instant "microwave push-button" sort of way that they are wanted, worthy and valuable. Of course, this is so very far from the truth. But, it works. It works very well. And Charmer/abuser's know that whatever radar you did have going on will now be majorly disconnected. Kind of like the burglar who snips all the wires to the phone and the electricity before entering the home to steal the valuables.

He listens to what you tell him about how people have controlled or manipulated you in the past and he uses the same weapons, but may employ different maneuvers so you don't recognize it. For example, you say that you could not stand it when your last boyfriend was jealous of you all the time. He then never berates you like the other boyfriend did by always flying off the handle, but might take a more quiet and passive route of doing it. He may just drop little hints constantly, but in such a way that you can't really call him on. It just becomes the continual dripping faucet in your life.

He's always calling you when you're supposed to be home for no apparent reason, or calling you right when you are to be home, or later that night he shows up with a convincing reason, but really might be more along the lines of are you really alone? But, it's just really hard to nail him on his jealousy because he isn't really blatant about it in your book. This is "blatant", but "you don't recognize it as that". This is the important thing to see here. He will take advantage of your "cloudiness" here and will disguise it as him just caring about you in some way. And you will hesitate time and time again to really call it for what it is.

Charmer/Abuser's will capitalize on your need to be needed in their life. And you are needed by them. Otherwise, they would not be reeling you in. They know that you are going to equate your worth, as a woman, based on how much you can do for them and be "needed" by them. And... they do need you, for something (sex, money, fun, a place to live...). So, consequently, in their mind it's a fair trade. You need to be needed and they need something from you.

Do not kid yourself into believing this is going to be a fair trade. They stroke your ego and your emotional side for awhile and they drain from you whatever they want. There is no need for them to have a conscience about this, because it's like any other sales contract. If you don't read the fine print, (which is what this writing is about) it's "buyer beware" and tough luck. A deal's a deal.

You can project your own interpretation on it all you want. In fact, they want you to. They are counting on that. But... your projection, regardless of how much you believe it... doesn't ever make it fact. You buy the illusion, and they make a sale!

Now which is it that is really more important here? Is it the need for you to get something of worth, or is it more important for you to be lied to because it feels familiar to you? Do you have an intense need to be sold to? If so, then who was the person in your past that you loved and yet they lied to you by what they said and how they treated you? Little girls believe very easily - when they are looking up to a very important man in their lives. They are larger than life and you are not able to look at them realistically using a child's mind. If they betrayed you, abandoned you, rejected you, or assaulted you in any way you are apt to make excuses for them because you need them in your life in some way.

A grown-up version of this will allow themselves to become prey to a charmer/abuser and you constantly second-guess your own thoughts and feelings and will make endless excuses for this man. You will just automatically think and feel with your little girl mind in this scenario of having a man in your life. Whereas in other areas of your life you may be very mature, grown-up and responsible.

You will not always do this if you will allow yourself to learn why you do what you do and how to gradually prevent it. It took time to lay down the foundation of what is unhealthy in your life. It will take time to rip it up and replace it with what is good and constructive. Again, time is your friend.
Charmer/Abuser's need for you to quickly put them into your inner circle whereby you consider them to be of like-minds with you, a kindred spirit, soul-mate sort of thing. When that happens - you basically dismiss a lot of red flags because you have completely validated them as being like you in some majorly important ways. This are usually sensitive issues. Where you "really live" kind of issues. Therefore, you cannot possibly suspect them of a lot of things. It would be like putting yourself on trial!

Think about this one very hard. It is one of the worst "snags" that will hook you and take a great deal from you when the hook is ultimately withdrawn. They find that platform where you have your deepest hurts and strongest opinions and they become your ally, your cheerleader, your confidant, your defender, etc., etc. And "poof" you're sucked in hook, line and sinker.

Oftentimes, the very people who have wounded you the worst, are the very same kind of people that can empathize with you the best. And why wouldn't they? A predator knows his victims very well. They study them. They have to, in order to trap them. That's why I write things like this. We need to "study them" as well. It's called - playing "offense" instead of "defense". Learning to be savvy - will work on our part. Rest very assured - they will do "their homework" regarding "you". Be willing to be as quick to forgive yourself when it comes to making a mistake of character as you are quick to forgive them over and over and over again.

Charmer/Abuser's do NOT respect you as as a person at all... BUT... they will go to great lengths to convince you that they do.

They will quickly put you up on a high pedestal, where they supposedly worship at your feet. No one in the world is more beautiful or more important in their lives. You are the bomb! Just remember here that I use the word "quickly" a lot. Someone genuinely thinking you're wonderful and all that isn't necessarily bad. But, it is highly suspicious when it happens very, very quickly. Sure, in some rare case, you could just click if you meet the right person. But, I warn you about making this your basis for all your relationships. You are a sitting duck.

Genuine feelings that really matter in the long run take time and THEY don't have time. They have to do everything quickly. They want what they want and they want it NOW. So, hurry up and "get charmed", so this ball game can get underway! That's the way they want it!

They are counting on your need to get instantly stroked all the way around as their "in". This is your blind side and they go right for it. "Make her feel like a princess early on and she will eat out of your hand." They will educate you on how women in their past have not met the mark with them. How they have failed them in some respect. It's called - giving you a challenge you cannot resist as a woman. Especially, if you are a woman who sees her worth being linked to how much she is needed by a man.

They are basically saying to you "here, see what you can do. Prove to me, that you are worthy and prove to me that you can be better than all these other women. Do the impossible! I'm waiting..." And that's just what an abuse victim loves to hear... and Charmer/Abusers know this. Abused women - are very used to being superhuman and performing the impossible and having to work for every sliver of love and attention they get. So, this challenge is more like alcohol being sat in front of an alcoholic.
Charmer/Abusers hit you hard and heavy. They call you a lot, they want to be with you a lot. They will not respect your need for personal space, but will disguise with - just have to be with you because I can't get you out of my mind. They will usually talk to a lot about how wonderful they are, especially in the areas of "what you need them to be". It will be tailor made, just for you. They will dazzle you with their dance and try to effectively shut down all your protective barriers. They will also want to pull you away from your friends, family and children. They need to be tuned into just them, if they are going to effectively charm you in a small amount of time.

Like any teacher in any classroom they have to have your undivided attention in order to "teach you" what they want you to learn. So, they don't want you comparing notes with anyone else or getting someone else's read on them. Someone who isn't blind to them will see them for what they are and tell you. They want to get you in that "cloudy zone" as soon as possible where you are wrapped up with them physically and are providing them with what they need so you feel very validated and valued.

They know that once you get effectively hooked in this regard you will vehemently fight off anyone, including your own flesh and blood in order to keep this realm of "importance" that you've got going on here. They count on you to do just that. They load the gun for you and "you" pick it up and use it. That way their hands are clean. You did their dirty work for them. You end up driving away the very people that could help you the most said all that to say this...

Time is your friend, use it wisely. If there is one thing that is going to serve you well in the arena of protection it is to hesitate, step back, go more slowly than you usually do. Read this often and "think" about what is going on - while it is going on.

If you see at anytime this is happening - you do not owe anyone a thick book on how or why you came to your conclusion to back off and cut it off. Charmer/Abusers are absolutely great at convincing you that you owe them "a good reason. And they choose if the 'reason' is good enough. As if, they are some powerfully important figure in your life. If they are doing this to you, they are obviously NOT important to you and should not be have that title as you are leaving the relationship.

I don't know how many times I see this and it is the killer snag that eventually pulls them back into the web. And I've seen women who are almost all the way out and have put many steps into walking away. But, the quick snap of this rubber band is profound. We say we are walking away, but they interpret this to mean we want to be talked back into it. Charmer/Abusers are spoiled brats. They respect nothing and no one.

They count on you not being able to forgive yourself - for making a completely wrong assessment of who they were or who you thought they were. That is one of their best and most dangerous weapons against you. If you are so proud that you cannot be humble enough to say - I made a mistake and walk away from it - they will have you for dinner a second time around, and a third and a fourth time....until....."they don't need you".... anymore.

It's high time you learn how to live offensively and be in control of your own life. It's called Learning to live Pro-active for your own well-being. A predator is completely turned off by anyone that lets time be their friend. So, if you want to know who a person is that you may be suspect of just hold them at arm's length for awhile. Make them wait for everything.

The person who is genuinely interested in you won't push. And they won't try and dazzle you in any way. They will... wait. If they don't do this and you jump... you are in for a ride. Just know it up front and put on your seat belt.

Just always look at what you are doing and if you find it really hard to stop engaging long enough to be rational just remember that if this person has become a larger than life dominant factor in your life... they are not this godlike image of what your father or ex was or should have been. They are what they are and you have a good enough mind to call it what it is. A lie.

Please give yourself permission to see it just like it is with your adult mind, not your little girl mind. Super heroes are fairy tales. Real villians can do much damage while wearing superman's cape. In fact they can get away with anything and everything. Do not give them that power. Take your power back.

What is real and true and good for you will come by way of... you believing you have the right to choose and not be chosen.
Why? Because we still talk to them. We get caught up in telling them why and why not and how and when, etc., etc. They put US on trial for what they did! We feel like we owe them all this. Whether we like it or not, we are giving great power to someone who does not consider our best interests at all.

A person who respects you might ask for clarification to a degree, just so they understand you and then that's it. They have enough self-respect for themselves and for you to listen to what you said and think you meant it.

By your continuing need to engage with them tells them you don't mean a word you say when it comes to boundaries. It means nothing to them now. You may have barked at them, but that's about it. You're back in the ring trying to validate your assessment of things with the very person that did it to you in the first place.

So, you are putty in their hands simply because you walked back out onto the dance floor. Whatever respect you imagined them to have for you is now completely and absolutely gone. You are definitely "prey" to them now. And they toy with you at will, because you have given them that power over you.

They are putting a lot of trust in the fact that you do not trust your own judgement. If you need to constantly talk to them about why you thought this or that or got hurt about whatever they instantly know that you don't trust yourself. A confident woman would just call it and that would be the end of it. Some discussion would be allowed, but she would trust her own mind and her own feelings and would not feel compelled to get it validated from the direction those hurts came from in the first place.

That you would want validation from the very person that hurt you, that affirms you made a sound judgement? Hmmm... so, are we going to get that validation from this person? I would venture to say the odds of that happening are greatly stacked against you.

But, this goes back to why you look like such easy prey to them. So, if he has assumed the position and you have put a lot of trust in him early on - you are going to treat him like a father would be treated.

You will give him this respect and position of power and authority over you - because that is what your little girl that you used to be would do regarding the man in her life back then. And since you put this man in that super powerful position the hardest person in the world to convince that a mistake has been made is you, the victim. After all, they have "first chair" with us. We have to work it out, make it fit, or change it somehow.

What I want to know is how can someone who has known you for such a short time have enough clout and importance in your life to be allowed the right to speak louder and with more authority over the person who knows you best? And that person is you!

Charmer/Abusers will storm your gates in the beginning and in the end. They will initially storm your gates with quick flattery, comradery, and what looks like empathy. In the end they will storm your gates with insults, total disrespect and will look like someone you do not know at all. Because actually you don't. You only knew the facade, the lure.

They will hit your gates hard and heavy with whatever works - when you decide to walk away. If trying to get you to give them a computer printout on how you arrived at your conclusion and talking it to death doesn't work then they will storm your gates and bust every boundary as quickly as you can erect it

However, if they are not getting what they want they will hit you hard, but not forever. There are more fish in the sea. So, do not move your boundaries one inch. Say what you mean and mean what you say - consistently and absolutely and you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why

Queen Bees, Wannabees & The Men That Love Them.

Note: Any men who happen to stumble upon this post , this is about you too, that's right buddy , keep reading, you'll be glad you did

Queen bees, we have all met them throughout the various stages in our life, especially high school. What exactly is a Queen Bee?

Think back to high school, the awkward stage of your teenage life where everything revolved around make up, boys, humiliation, hormones , hair and BFF's.

A Queen Bee exists in that dark shadowy often glamorous place of what we call a "Clique".

In other words she leads the pack of drones who follow , work and worship the Queen. Maybe you have met her?, she might have been the Prom Queen or Cheerleader in your high school.

The Queen Bee viciously stings anyone who gets in her way. Just like in a colony or hive of bees, her Drones (worker bees) primary job is to do all the dirty work for the Queen Bee. These Drones are commonly called "Wannabees" in high school.


Outsiders usually know the Queen Bee better than her drones (friends). She will often bitch about them behind their backs or play her friends off against each other for her own amusement. However even if one of her drones does happen to realise her cruelty she will often stay loyal to the Queen Bee out of fear of being bullied, humiliated and cast into loserdom.

This leads the Queen Bee to have an extreme ego and a magnetic confidence so as she leaves high school she can continue her reign at college and later on into the workplace. Oh and because of her charming magnetic personality she will very often achieve a better job than you due to her charisma and manipulation tactics she learned to polish and refine in high school.

The Queen Bee has substantial influence and power over the clique, and is usually envied and looked upon as a role model by clique members and at times by outsiders to the clique. Her actions are closely followed and imitated by her wannabees/drones , (even though they may not be of a positive nature.) which is why you'll find they all look and act alike. The Queen Bee can usually be found dating the wealthiest or most popular guy in school.


The social role of the outcast is defined as anyone that the queen bee dislikes. Clique members may victimize the outcast in order to continue their membership in the clique, elevate their power position, or to receive praise from the Queen Bee.

In most cliques there is, at least to some degree, a power struggle for the position of the Queen Bee. Much like the Queen Bee of a colony or hive of bees she will generally seek out potential queen rivals and attempt to kill them. Queen Bees will quickly find, sting and kill any other emerged potential (virgin) queen (or be dispatched themselves).

It is a world of competition, manipulation, bullying and cruelty and you think once you have left high school behind and enter the adult world, the drama, bullying and cruelty is over right?.....

.....Wrong! Queen Bees NEVER grow up and mature into good natured adults, They just get better at their skills of manipulation and control. They become more covert and subtle at it.


She is the female equivalent of the Alpha Male, she could be your sister, your BFF in high school or your boss. She dominates everyone she conceives to be beneath her, using her psychological power games to control and intimidate.

On the outside, her lips dripping with honey, she flatters and compliments , she comes across as beautiful, good and humble but behind that "front", behind that "veil of goodness and holiness" lies an Aggressively competitive , cruel and deceitful, wicked woman. What most people like to call "A two faced, nasty bitch"






She uses subtle and socially acceptable feminine ways to channel her need for dominance. Two faced in every way imaginable, jealous, wicked, boastful, vulgar and repulsive. In a relationship, she may become a shrewish harridan, use subterfuge and manipulation or feminine wiles to get her way.

Once trapped and initiated into the Queen Bees Clique, you lose all sense of identity, you are no longer an individual with likes, dislikes, or personality, you cease to be unique and become an extension of the Queen Bee herself. An object.




The Two Main Types Of Queen Bees


* The high-profile type is generally gregarious, outspoken and highly visible. She is often seen as the "woman who wears the pants in the family".

* The low-profile type is soft-spoken, giving the illusion of being solicitous, motherly, protective, even appearing very submissive. The low-profile type may be the most dangerous, as she is the most difficult to discern. She relies heavily on manipulation for her power, in extremely subtle performances.


No matter which catagory the Queen Bee fits into she will always hide under a cloak of goodness. A pretense of righteousness. she gets away with her evil by calling her evil good.


The Queen Bee acts like she's in love with herself. And she is in love with an ideal image of herself. She wants you to be in love with her pretend self too. She doesn't see herself doing anything except being adored, and she doesn't see anyone else doing anything except adoring her.

I have watched highly skilled modern adult Queen Bees work a room, a boss, a boyfriend, a lover, family members. Despite their level of sophistication and professional achievements, the Adult Queen Bee turns to certain sure fire tactics to arouse desire and clinch their deal.

These women are obsessed with their image. Physical attractiveness is a source of constant attention and upkeep , hence the constant grooming, tanning, dieting, celebrity worship/imitation, reapplying make up every 5 minutes etc.... You get my drift.


The most successful Queen Bees are covert. They appear to be friendly, considerate and innocuous but on close observation they give themselves away. At parties, they are cordial with the women but focus their laser beam attention on high powered, wealthy men. They dress just provocatively enough to attract male attention.


There is a strong sexual vibration emanating from them. You sense their superiority over other women in their ability to attract and sexually exploit men to move their agendas forward. They turn up the sexual vibe, which is irresistible to the male target. Sauced in a state of sexual obliviousness, most men are clueless and helpless under the erotic spell of such women.

Their act is highly polished and most men are turned on and can't shut off the primal sexual switch (We don't blame you for this one guys) Many of these Queen Bees move from one relationship to the next in their quest to be on top.




It's A Trap!

Every trap must have something that entices and allures and attracts its victims. A mouse trap uses cheese which appeals to mice. The fish hook uses a wiggling worm which attracts fish.

Every trap must have bait, and the sex trap is baited by a wicked woman At first glance it would seem that every thinking young man would want to run from such a woman. The way that she is described is appalling, not appealing. And yet she is very successful in alluring and attracting men to herself.






For The Men - The Queen Bee That You Call "Just High Maintenance"


Although this is mainly a blog on Narcissistic Men, I have heard somewhere that there are kind, loving, devoted men out there who want that one of a kind , mind blowing woman who makes his world a better place to live in, So this is for them.








Do not be mistaken into thinking or believing these Queen Bitchy Bees need a white knight to rescue them, they need a thorazine drip and a straight jacket. Yes they are beautiful, yes they make you want to jump out of your pants and into theirs, but once it's over and you find yourself desiring a gun more than you desire to carry on living with this "Needy Princess" she's going to pull the “What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine. line. By the time this happens, it is too late, use the gun.

Remember guys "Beauty is for but a season, but crazy and abusive is forever"


There are tons of beautiful and I mean drop dead gorgeous, kind, caring, psychologically fit girls out there, trust me, I've met them, do not be duped into thinking "All beautiful women are PMS induced bitches" but do carry around a "Red Flag Checklist" at all times, and not after you jump into her pants, by then it's too late and the damage to your psychological well being is done.


The Queen Bee views her ability to control you as a matter of survival—her psychological survival, that is. “Being in control gives her the temporary illusion of a sense of calmness. When she feels she is prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of her”


Think about it. How often does she smile? how often is she in a good mood? When she’s gotten her own way? pulled one over on you? The size of her smile reflects the size of the knife in your back



Let's have a look at the different types of crazy , demonic like behaviour exhibited by the Queen Bee in a relationship....you ready for this?




* Increasing the Volume; Not the Logic.

The more you tell her she's wrong , the louder she's going to get.

She will shout, scream , stamp her feet and repeat every word twice. The "I am going to kill you" look she gives you that makes you want to crawl up into your own ass and die is an added bonus.

The more logical YOU are, the more the volume increases until it reaches a glass shattering pitch.



* It's A Pity Party & The Invite Is Mandatory

When the "Princess" has been reprimanded and the "logic" balls have been thrown at her head, the pity card is whipped out. She will claim she's being attacked and unfairly criticized. The "crocodile tears" will start to flow, she will hyperventilate through racketing sobs and declare you to "be unfair", "a bully" or their favourite "You don't love me"

If that doesn't work , the princess will pull out the overused "Almost Raped" excuse , whereby she will claim she said "no" but "he took advantage anyway"

This Queen Bee will pout, sob, scream and possibly self harm until you apologize, grovel , beg, and congratulate her for being so brave for telling the truth. By this time this will nullify all of her bad behaviour and her slate will be scrubbed clean because she was "Truthful, brave and courageous" and because of course you were manipulated into giving her another chance.

This is what the sane call "BS". Do not fall for the temper tantrums and lies.




Jealousy

Yes, she is flirting with that Brad Pitt lookalike over at the bar. She does this to make you jealous, plain and simple. You obviously haven't done enough begging , buying gifts, wooing, appeasing, being attentive and rolling out the red carpet in her favour.

If she is paying attention to someone else, wearing slutty apparel and generally making you mad enough to punch a hole in the wall , then her plan is working.

Getting you worked up, angry and making it all about her is exactly what she wants. Drama = Attention remember this.

Once she's pulled the "You can't talk/look/speak/listen to any other women" that's your cue to run away. But remember in her world of fantasy , because let's face it that's all it is, she has the right to talk/look/listen/ to any man she wants. There is no 'Fair Play" in the land of delusion.


Remember Boys, According To Miss Queen Bee:


She always has "Male Friends With No Sexual Attraction"

You Always Have "Female Friends You're Trying To Bed/Love/Marry/Need/Make Babies With"


If you have any female friends, kiss goodbye to the good looking one's now, because you're never going to see them again. Your Queen Bee will scope out and analyze every female you know and become increasingly hostile towards them, especially if you appear to enjoy yourself in their company.

Temper tantrums, screaming, silent treatment, checking your email, scanning the network and hacking your phones/wallet/computer for any evidence of flirting is going to be included in your daily life. By flirting I mean:

* Laughing, complimenting her , saying hello, smiling,

* Talking about your mum/work/hobbies/what you ate for dinner

* Taking her advice

* Consoling her because her dad just died.

* :) ;) :D :( xxx, or *hug* can also be seen as flirting.


Yes , that's correct , this Queen Bee will demand you not to talk to anyone with a vagina because it instantly means you are flirting with her, having an affair with her, secretly want to make babies with her or "Leading her on"

Besides all your female friends are ugly/useless/boring/sluts/bitches according to Queen Bee. You'll also be castigated for "spending too much time down the pub" with your male friends, so kiss goodbye to them too.

However if Miss Queen of the world wants male friends, you are to shut your mouth and deal with it because you know there is no physical attraction there, they have known each other since birth. He has a girlfriend so you shouldn't be threatened.

Don't believe this BS because that's just what this is: BS


If you're still not convinced, read on buddy.



* Gaslighting.

Queen Bees who use gaslighting deny their dirty deeds and accuse you of the very same sins they committed (projection).

They also inject a tiny morsel of truth into a huge whopping lie until you begin to doubt your own sanity and come across as a crazy person when you try to defend yourself. You'll often find yourself sitting in a dark corner of a room rocking back and forth and banging your head against the wall.



* Name-Calling.

Normally the last resort of crazy women. They have no intelligence to defend their bad behaviours and lies so they sink to the level of "personal attacks".

This is a distraction to keep you sidetracked. She puts you on the defensive so she can back you into a corner and have her way.

Name calling will get you nowhere, and doesn't prove her point. It just proves she really does need that psychiatric evaluation

Sink to her level if you wish with a counter attack or walk away from her and your relationship.

Do you really want to be with a grown woman who acts like a 5 year old? "La la la la" (fingers in the ears) "i can't hear you"




SHUT UP! Men everywhere cringe and die a little inside when their Queen Bee opens her mouth like a foghorn in public. And trust me this is likely to happen not in the privacy of your own home, oh no, this is likely to take place in public for maximum drama.

It is especially damning when she does this loud mouth, gaping fog horn act in company of her drones who all join in to torture you with high pitched shrill screaming. This is humiliating , this is 100 times more humiliating when other men see you being "reprimanded" by a bunch of screaming hags. Congratulations you are now a doormat.


On explaining your feelings or point of view , this kind of woman will tell you to, “Shut up!”. Queen Bees can not handle the truth, and will go to great lengths to deny and squash it.

If you get out of this relationship now , never again will you have to hear the two words that make your balls want to jump back up inside your body "Shut Up"




Tactics

Your "other half" uses other tactics on challenging her such as walking out of the room when you're talking, giving the silent treatment or slamming objects down and stomping around the house. In both cases, this is the childlike version of, “La, la, la, la, la, I can’t hear you!

She believes that if she ignores you or stops you from speaking the truth that it doesn’t exist, pretty much like a small child who closes their eyes to “make you go away.” You'll probably end up deaf (thank god) or wearing earplugs for the entirety of your relationship.


* Seeing Things Her Way This is another defense mechanism. Queen Bees see people and the world in good & evil, black & White terms. There are NO grey areas or "inbetweens" You are either right or wrong, and trust me, with this queen bee, you are ALWAYS wrong until told otherwise.

See things her way or you will be stomped into the ground by her over priced designer boot heels. You can’t agree to disagree with this walking nightmare. Any differences of opinions, criticisms or challenges to her authority is seen as an act of war , and who do you think is going to get shot first?




With-holding Sex

Yes boys, those excuses the Queen Bees give : "I'm just tired/have a headache/not in the mood/have my period" excuses are just that.."excuses' it's called with-holding and it's designed to make you wait until "She's ready" , "have bought her that engagement ring" or to "Punish You" . She makes you wait days/weeks/months and in extreme cases of Queen Bitch Syndrome "years"

why?.....

......Because she knows the one thing you cannot handle is either : "Going without sex" or "Rejection"

During this period of torture, the Queen Bee will dress provocatively to get you hot, she will tease you & entice you to the point of near explosion, and then put on her sweatpants and clean, leaving you laying there naked, exposed and wondering what you did wrong.

Getting you excited then turning you down is REJECTION plain and simple. she knows it, you know it and it will continue until you finally submit/apologize/buy gifts/appease/marry her or run for the hills.


The final torturous act of this Queen Bitch is to get you hot for her , reject you and then chastise and punish you further for "Taking care of your own business"

That's right, you won't even be able to spank the monkey without incurring more wrath. She can then accuse you of


- "Not being patient"

- "thinking of someone else" or

- "you don't want to have sex with me anymore do you?", "You're not attracted to me anymore" , "You have a sexual addiction" , "You have been sleeping with someone else"



Don't forget , she WILL eventually cheat on you if she hasn't already. When the Queen Bee dumps her "Prince" ie: "YOU" she will already have a guy lined up to take your place or she will be humping him within minutes of dumping you. In comparison to her, Bullets have left guns slower.


It is a far far better thing to live alone , taking care of your own business, than to have your self esteem crushed and obliterated by a contentious woman.




When Your Penis Is The Subject Of Ridicule


Yes even "Junior" is subject to punishment and ridicule.

"Penis Size" jokes. Do not be fooled into believing her statements of "It's just a joke/you can't take a joke/"It doesn't happen to every guy maybe something is wrong with you/it".

She means to hurt you and crush your confidence. Mostly these so called "jokes" occur during "TV Time" when you're both cuddled up together watching a movie or reality tv show. Ever heard this one? :

"Wow he's good looking" "Look at that package move when he runs!" "I am so glad you don't have his muscles/girth/stamina" "I like guys with small ones"

This is NOT a joke, or a warped sense of humour, this is soul crushing humiliation designed to make you feel as if you're just not good enough.

Listen: Strong, loving, kind, psychologically well women do NOT ridicule you. The woman who loves you will NEVER hurt you or focus on anything but how to please you and how happy she is being with you. Size is not and should never be an issue, end of.








Staying With The Queen Bee Until "The One" Comes Along

I know you thought women didn't know about this one, but some of us do. The majority of women out there however still believe it's a myth or choose to ignore it. (it's ok boys you can breathe a sigh of relief now. Phew! close one!)

Now I know why you're staying with the crazy making High Maintenance Queen Bee, you are biding your time or riding out the loneliness until you find "The One". and by "The One" I mean: "That amazing, sexy, beautiful woman you want to spend your life with" you know, "The Sane One"


For those men I suggest you read on, because while you are waiting for 'Miss Right" , the Queen Bee has some very devious tricks up her sleeve to keep you with her for life! that's right "The.Rest.Of.Your.Life. , even after a break up, you'll never really be free if her bag of tricks are put into action.





Attempting Closure With A Queen Bee


Attempting to obtain closure with a Queen Bee is like walking into a war zone You will never get closure. NEVER. She doesn't have empathy, sanity and if you are thinking she lives in the land of "Reality" you are sorely mistaken!



But I Miss The Sex

Yes I heard you.....

.....The sex is always explosive in the beginning. It is intense , passionate , mind blowingly fantastic, but deceptive.

Her intense passion is pathological in nature. This is called "Bedroom Domination" and men fall for it all the time.

Sex to her is about control, and placing you in the submissive.

You're at best to her , a human vibrator.

And if you're "Not in the mood" she will take that to mean "You're not attracted to me anymore, drama drama. or "You don't love me" , "Im not sexy enough anymore am I?" "Maybe we should break up" sob sob. "Ill go flirt with your best friend, that'll make you want me" (This is the opposite of "With-holding Sex' they are both designed to make your life difficult.)


True intimacy does not exist in this relationship, all she wants is to be admired, placed on a pedestal and be the one left wearing the pants. It's all about control and admiration.

You won't ever feel any emotional connection with her, sex is on her timetable, if and when she needs it. There is no regard to what you want and God forbid if you are ever caught "spanking the monkey" or looking at other women, this is a punishable offense, which will be taken as "You aren't attracted to me/don't love me/don't want me" blah blah

She constantly needs to be "Validated" , devotion is key! if you're not ready to drop everything and perform , get ready to deal with the consequences.


Nothing is ever enough for this Queen Bee. You can never "do enough" to please her due to the constantly shifting rules, demands and requirements. Don't expect to get rewarded with sex unless you walk through the door after work with gifts.

Sex becomes a chore for this woman as time goes by. An obligation or a “favour” she has to fulfill. It is a transaction. Sex for admiration/gifts. etc.

Ever notice when you buy her gifts she gets all hot and jumps your bones afterwards? kind of like a transaction don't you think? notice how she doesn't do that when you bring her a Mcdonalds , make her a cup of tea or put the toilet seat down like you were told to do.


There’s always an agenda, even if it’s to keep you under her control / in the relationship. “You owe me big time because I had sex with you. "I did my duty , now it's your turn."


And yes guys this happens with your sperm too . Some Queen Bees, the really manipulative ones will "Accidently On Purpose" forget to take their morning after pill, or "Accidently On Purpose" poke holes in the condom packaging with a needle. Oh yes guys that's right, the really repulsive Queen Bee will "Accidently On Bloody Purpose" get pregnant so you stay with her, so she can control you and tie you down with a big fat child support rope.

Do you really want to be "that guy"?


Bottom line is: you’re either a "transaction coupon" a human vibrator, or a magic mirror "mirror, mirror on the wall , who is the most beautiful of all"



If you really do feel you are not giving 100% in your relationship, your time, love, attention, then maybe you're just "Not That Into Her" whether she's a Queen Bee or Sane, the same applies.

I read a great book that simplified men for me. (sorry guys I needed a book) Every girl should read it. The book states: If a guy is "Into a girl" (By girl, I mean a sane one) he will ask her out, he will do whatever he can to get close to her, talk to her, be with her, he will never be too busy to call her or spend time with her. And girls if a guy is really into you, you won't need to stare at the phone and will it to ring, he will call you. Guys like chasing girls, they feel they have achieved a great prize when they get the girl of their dreams. They don't want you chasing them or throwing yourself at them. Men will say anything, except the words that will incur your wrath and offend you..... "I'm.Just.Not.That.Into.You"..... so wait for him to call!


When you feel those urges boys , and make the effort , that tells us gals that a guy is "Really into me" if you don't , the message we get is: "He's just not that into you"


There are women out there like me, who would pull off their right arm to have a kind hearted, loving man, but all the damn good ones seem to be already taken by , yes you guessed it: "The Queen Bees" who take guys like you, rip their hearts out, and girls like me end up paying for it.

So ditch the bitch and go find a woman who meets all your needs for an adult, loving, equal relationship.










For Us Girls : What's The Problem?

Why do some women always see others as competition? You know the type, the ones that immediately give you the onceover when you meet them for the first time or passing them on the street. You can almost read the questions running through their minds: "Does she have a better figure than me? Is she more successful?"

Why do they do it? Why do some women feel the need to prove themselves slimmer, smarter, more attractive or successful than others?





Unwarranted Self Importance

Ever seen those girls, you know the ones I mean, the women who on passing you will hold their heads up high, strut and look down their nose at you with a devious smirk whilst flicking their hair. "Oh that's just confidence" you say, "A woman secure in her own skin" I say "no it isn't" , she is marking her territory: "Look at me, Look at me, I am the better looking, thinnest, sexiest Queen Bee" strut. Here is a picture to help you visualize.








This is designed to make you feel like crap and it works. (Unless of course you're like me: who walks with her head down watching the pavement in case of "Tripping over, falling on her ass" Blonde Moments.)


This is what is known as arrogance, not confidence. What looks like an air of authority and security is really a low self esteem issue. Queen Bees whether friends with other Queen Bees or not are loathe to admit they have no confidence, or have low self esteem,

It's one thing to have a healthy self-esteem, but it's quite another to have such an inflated sense of "Unwarranted Self Importance" that other people's feelings, beliefs, and thoughts have no relevance

Lots of Queen Bees do it, even their uneducated worker bees do it.





When Your Best Friend Might Be A Queen Bee

It's a sad thing when you have to question the motives of someone you have thought of as a friend, especially if you've known then for a long time. But the sad fact is sometimes those we think of as friends don't always have our best interests at heart. Real friends truly want the best for you and are happy to see you succeed. If someone is sullen and resentful when you lose weight or finally get that high-paying job, then perhaps it's time to cut them loose.

If you have ever seen a Queen Bee with honey dripping from her lips one moment then turn into a hissing , spitting viper the next you will truly understand the meaning of the word "Repulsive" . She is a Cruella De Ville (Cruel Devil) in every sense of the word.





Queen Mothering Bees

I see Queen Bees every morning and afternoon when I do the school run. There are cliques of mothers (Queen Mothering Bees) standing outside the school, chatting, flirting with other womens husbands and gossiping. When they are not doing that , they are judging other mums on their appearance, focusing especially on their weight or their marriage status.

They are bitchy & cruel , dirty looks are thrown faster than the speed of light. Snide remarks bounce off their lips and land onto some poor unsuspecting soul. These are 30-40 year old mothers! with children in Middle school, you would expect them to set the example, but unfortunately they don't and I am sad to say the children end up imitating their "Mothering Bees". Pinching, hitting , bullying and teasing other children are a frequent occurrence. Not to mention the stream of profanity that drips from their lips, just like mummy.

The children of Queen Mothering Bees are truly the ultimate victims, the one's who can't fight back , have no strong adult with good morals to look up to. They are not educated or too young to be educated. Their only template in life is a "Queen Mothering Bee" on which they will base their own future behaviour upon. These are the victims my heart truly breaks for.


Competition: This plays an integral part in the machinations for the accomplishment of "Who Is The Best Of The Best Of The Best?" IE: Who is married?, who is going to have another baby?, who has the best car?, pushchair?, family pet?, husband?, children? etc

I have even seen the female school teachers in "Queen Bee Competition Mode" and male teachers dripping in the "Alpha Male Stance Of Pure Arrogance" but again this is just 'Unwarranted Self Importance"


As for myself? I stand with 3 or 4 of my closest friends and we discuss life, we laugh, plan dates for coffee mornings, nights out and getting the children together for days out. We have no time for the Queen Bees of Parenthood.

Yes there are adult Queen Bees, and yes they will often bitch about their worker bees behind their backs or play their friends off against each other for their own amusement, it still goes on, whether it's "Teen Queen Bees" or "Adult Queen Bees' the cycle continues. Don't be naive into thinking you will escape being a target.



But What If I Envy The Way Other Women Look?

We can all be envious of others, hate our own bodies, looks and personality, it doesn't instantly mean you're a Queen Bee , a bitch or a repulsive human being.

I am envious sometimes of other women, there I admit it, I think every female is to some extent (Except the Queen Bees of course ;) ) I do harbor some low self esteem but I don't use that as an excuse to put others down. Low self esteem should never be used as an excuse to abuse others, to ridicule them or bully them. Having low self esteem is my problem not theirs and it is a work in progress that is being remedied.

Whenever you find yourself envying other girls, just pay them a compliment in your head (not out loud unless you know her, don't want to embarrass the poor girl) such as "She's got gorgeous hair" "What nice skin", "I love her boots" ......I guarantee it will make you feel better than thinking badly of her. You never know she might just be thinking the same thing about you when she passes you in the street!.


"A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world". ~Lois Wyse


-PND