01 Dec 08

Extreme Clowns

If you want to cure stage fright, do a performance with some extreme clowns.
The gig at The Deaf Institute in Manchester was insane. It was on the top floor of a packed nightclub. The dance floor was full and there were also theatre-style seats at one end of the room. The clowns danced their way in and didn’t stop dancing. I hid on a balcony to distance myself from the clowns, so it would look better when they dragged me on stage.

Shortly before we were scheduled to go on – at the peak of my nervousness – most of the clowns disappeared. A search party found them frolicking in local bars.

The gig started with Dirty Honky introducing his fellow clowns, and sending them out to the audience to smell for scum. They sniffed people with their pig snouts and eventually settled on me. I was surrounded and escorted onto the stage.

Dirty Honky asked me who I was and where I was from. When I disclosed I had been in prison in America, everyone cheered and a woman ran to the front of the stage, unbuttoned her blouse and displayed her breasts. The clowns threw water on her.

We acted out scenes from my incarceration. I was raided by SWAT, strip-searched, and clothed in a black-and-white top and boxer shorts with a fake behind. The clowns threw things at the audience, including human teeth – the clown Baron Von Dirtshwine had hundreds of teeth. The audience threw things back. By the design of these naughty anarchist clowns, it descended into chaos several times, and the clowns jumped into the audience.

For the final scene, I dropped my soap in the shower in the presence of Kunst Bride, a female clown posing as an Aryan Brother. She’d been wearing a regular strap-on all night, and she now emerged with a massive white strap-on with Swastikas on it. The play ended with her Trident missile of a strap-on spraying tomato ketchup all over my fake behind.

Sheer madness. I loved it!

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Shaun P. Attwood