Why I Had a Vasectomy

It angers me or at least annoys me when, presumably I am a free man and am allowed to live my life as I choose, I get lectured or this visceral, almost instinctive response from people when I tell them I had a vasectomy.

"WHAT!? Are you crazy? Why would you do that!"

"Well what's wrong with you? Why don't you want kids?

Some go so far as to even call it "selfish" that I don't want to endure the 18 year pain and agony that is known as a child.

But despite the obvious benefits to never having children, these benefits do not seem so obvious to the masses. And therefore as a benefit to the masses (not to mention to get these pro-children zealots off my ass) I have decided to explain, in detail why I decided not to have children so you may see there is actual rhyme and reason to such a decision and that you may really want to seriously think about it yourself.

First off there is the cost of a child. Forget it. Depending on the figures you use, a kid can run anywhere from $200,000 on the cheap to $500,000 on the average. I made a post once about the ROI of a vasectomy and basically you don't have to worry about paying for your retirement if you don't have kids. Amortized over 18 years (22 if you pay for college) you get an annualized rate of return (or technically savings) of around 47%. But forget investing it in the stock market, just think about the opportunity costs of that $500,000. A house, a boat, a car. All bought and paid for if you just refuse to have children. And if you think about that house, boat and car, isn't that why you're already an indentured slave anyway? What if you already had your house paid off by the age of 40? Retirement wouldn't be such a worry now would it? So I don't want to hear about people saying, "it's only money and you can't hug money." No, but I sure can hug a boat or a Pontiac Solstice.

Second is the issue of time. Time is empirically and economically the same thing as money, but that assumes you can choose to work. You don't have a choice when it comes to children. You have to allocate time to them. So when you are done working for 10 hours with a 2 hour commute, guess what, that kid is still going to need attention. You essentially have not only committed your personal financial resources, you've really and literally have committed yourself to becoming a slave for 18 years. And guess what? Every time you have another one, the sentence is renewed. Sorry, I get one shot at this life and it isn't going to be baby sitting a child, or multiple children. It's going to be doing what I want to do. And no that isn't being "selfish."

The reason it isn't being selfish is (third) the fact I know I would be a bad father. In knowing I don't want to have children, I spare any would be children from what would be guaranteed to be a horrible upbringing. THIS IS INFINITELY MORE COMPASSIONATE THAN SOMEBODY WHO HAS A CHILD, FINDS THE CHILD INCONVENIENT AND THEN SENDS IT TO DAY CARE OR HIRES A NANNY TO TAKE CARE OF IT. This is INFINITELY MORE COMPASSIONATE THAN THE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE TODAY WHO HAVE CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY "WANT A CHILD" JUST LIKE THEY "WANT AN SUV" OR A "EUROPEAN TRIP." AND THIS IS CERTAINLY INFINITELY MORE COMPASSIONATE AND CARRYING THAN HAVING A CHILD TO COLLECT ANOTHER WELFARE CHECK ALA OCTOMOM. Call me selfish all you want, I at least care enough about children to know that unless I would be home with them or my wife would, then I shouldn't even bring them into this world.

Fourth, along the same lines of caring enough about a child to not have one is the issue of slavery. Oh sure slavery is illegal, but I'm sorry, have you seen the entitlement spending commitments this country has burdened future generations with? That $1.4 trillion deficit the government ran? Yeah, that's just a mere fraction of the estimated $10 trillion in new debt future generations will be saddled with by the "compassionate and caring" socialists in the government. And social security and medicare? You see the commitments on those programs? What worsens it is that I adamantly refuse to have my child grow up to become anything but a productive member of society, which only guarantees he'll be a battery or host for future parasites whose parents were not so adamant about instilling an honorable work ethic, if not brainwashed them that the "man" was out to get them and they were disadvantaged and poor and were entitled to sit on their asses and achieve nothing while, essentially making my child a slave for them. Forget it. Again, my unborn child does not deserve that and will never have to face that.

Fifth, I see this more and more in Minnesota. The legal risks of having children. You can't spank them, you can't discipline them no matter how much of a beating they need. No they need "time outs." They need "stern words." I can see it now. I will be prohibited from effectively disciplining my child which will result in a mini-Kim Jong Ill dictator who, with the help of the public schools brainwashing him, will turn me in for false charges of child abuse or (give it 10 years) failing to recycle. I'll be as effective as the UN.

Finally, and this is what I don't get, is the lifestyle. What is so damn wrong with wanting to have a lifestyle of no children? Look, 6 billion people on the planet and 50 billion before them have done what we've always done and that is;

have children.

Well yipdeefreakingding.

Having children is NOT a new experience. It's NOT unique. And if people would stop and think about it for one genuine second and ask "Hey, I only get one shot at this life. What do I want to achieve?" I think more and more people would start to realize they are finite and get only one shot at this life and would start to agree more and more with me. I'm about to take a month long vacation. I get to sleep in till 10 AM everyday. I get to keep my house in whatever order I want. I get to go fossil hunting and shan't leave this planet until I go dustdevil chasing in Australia. I get to salsa dance every night. I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want and even at this early age have already achieved and lived more than most people twice my age.

And the reason why is that children, no matter how lovely or loved, still handicap your ability to go and live this life as contrasted if you were without them.

Now I know people do have children and do genuinely love them and do genuinely appreciate them and would have it no other way. But for god's sake, can society at least accept or acknowledge there are damn good reasons NOT to have children? Can society at least respect another individual's wish not to have a child? And for the love of all that is chocolates and ice cream can you people with "baby-rabies" that find it your place to lecture others about not having children back off? Besides which, we all know why you insist everybody have children just like you.

Misery loves company.

POST POST - To the ignorant people who do not understand the vasectomy procedure, I am not a eunuch. Look it up and get informed. For those regular Cappy Cap readers you have no idea how many comments I've deleted simply because morons think I'm running around without...um...'the boys." I apologize for having to explain this simple anatomical lesson.

POST POST POST - If you think this was insightful, buy my book. My bachelor pad ways needs financing. Tumblers of scotch don't pay for themselves you know!