If You Can't Take Care of a Garden, Then You Can't Take Care of a Kid

I am a bachelor.

And I am a bachelor that likes peppers.

And so it is not an infrequent even where I will be sitting there watching a movie with some cut up peppers and a dish of vegetable dip.

However, I am also an economist. And so when you cut the peppers open you see seeds, hundreds and hundreds of seeds, emanating from the stem.

Now since I am a bachelor, yet at the same time an economist, it presents a paradox and these two traits become the shoulder angel and the shoulder devil.

The good wholesome economist in me says, "waste not! Look at all those potential peppers! Look at the production you could achieve! And impossible to tax no less! Go and plant those peppers and then you will have even more peppers to consume while effectively at the same time producing more in your life than a piece studies major!"

But then the sly, lazy, bachelor devil within me stirs, and protests, "Ehhh, peppers. Have to water the peppers. Have to till. Don't wanna till. Wanna sit here and smoke my cigar outside and drink whiskey. Want to play a video game where you plant peppers, but not actually plant them in the real world. Herman the Bachelor Bunny will probably eat the peppers. Just throw the pepper seeds away and smoke and drink instead."

But with some cajoling from a female friend of mine, who agreed to till a spot of land for me and plant something beyond peppers, I decided to let the economist in me rule and effectively became a bachelor economist sharecropper. The girl gets 25% of the produce, I just have to water it.

Of course this was 3 months ago and little was I told just how long you have to water these damn things before they bear fruit. And if you miss just even one day on the cucumbers, you can kiss them good-bye. And when i wanted to go out west to Sturgis, you had to find a surrogate waterer. It was just like having a kid.

And then I had an epiphany. I figured, that if you don't have the ability or desire to keep a small garden, then you probably shouldn't be having kids. And that if we could somehow test people when they're in college or high school, give them the garden test, we can then see how good or bad of parents they'd be.

This would result in immense savings for the tax payer as those with gardens that look like mine would be effectively banned from having children. My children would be malnourished, dry, kind of droopy (judging by the tomato leaves) and have weeds growing all over them. If child protection saw my garden they would insist on a vasectomy. My female friend on the other hand, who takes great care in nurturing and caring for her rival bachelorette CPA garden would have children that are healthy and strong and would go well on a pizza.

Regardless, if you and the significant other economist in your life are thinking about having children, try growing a garden first.