Witholding

Being mentally little children, who feel small and insignificant in a world of giants, narcississts likewise are always on the lookout for an opportunity to make themselves feel important. Like little children they play "Pretend."

For example, I know of a man whose first family moved out on him, and, when another woman and her children moved in, they were overjoyed at the sight of the swingset and the basketball hoop. You could tell those poor kids had nothing and suddenly felt rich.

But letting their delight in these things show was a big mistake. The jerk suddenly stopped mowing back by the swingset, so that the weeds grew so tall around it they couldn't play on it. And he started parking old junker cars underneath the basketball hoop.




It was so obvious -- because that was the only part of the lawn not mowed, and there was no need to park those vehicles right under the basket. Those boys often looked wistfully at it, but I never heard them ask if they could play.

I'm sure I know why they didn't.

Been there. Everyone who's ever lived with a narcissist has.

My mother told me about about a man many years ago, whose sons worked hard all week on the farm (back in the days when they chopped wood, milked cows by hand, and plowed with horses). They had to come and ask him every Friday evening for a little money to spend at the local dance. And he always took off on a long walk out in the fields to make them chase him all the way out there for their pay.

I used to call it playing "Keep Away." Psychologists call it "witholding."

By witholding whatever they know you want, narcissists make themselves feel important. If you are observant of little children, you'll notice they do the same thing. For example, a child can be bored with a toy and about to leave it lay -- till she notices that some other child wants it: then she plays Keep Away.

Never forget that: the narcissist you are dealing with is full grown but every bit the three-year-old, and not a sweet one, either. He or she is case of arrested development, a person still living in that childish world of make-believe where everything is "Pretend." Pretend you're grown up by putting on Mom or Dad's clothes and play-acting "grownup." Pretend you're important by play-acting like you are.

It's a power play too, of course.

I know a woman in whom it's a knee jerk reaction: whenever someone says "Will you...?" or "Can I...?" the first thing out of her mouth is, "You'll have to wait." However long you can wait, she will make you wait longer.

They often have to make you beg or grovel too.

When they see your eyes light on something you want, they look at it and see nothing but a stick to use as leverage on you. It's the Teeter-Totter Game, to make you pray to them for it.

Just think how awful it must be to have to constantly do crazy stuff like that to kill the pain of that deep, down wretched self-concept you must constantly flee into denial of. If they didn't cruelly hurt others, I would feel sorry for them.

Moreover, most of them had brothers and sisters who went through the same thing in childhood but didn't turn out that way.

By Kathy Krajco

Witholding - The Psychopath/Narcissist As A Spoiled Brat.

By not giving you what the narcissist knows you want, he can make himself feel important. This is called "With holding" for example: A child can be bored with a toy and about to put it down when he notices that some other child wants it, then he plays "Keep away" by keeping the toy to himself even though he is bored of it or finished playing with it.


If the other child happens to plead for it, he just becomes more and more determined to keep the toy away, clutching it tightly to himself and yelling "NO"








The narcissist is a fully grown person but every bit the three-year-old, and not a sweet one either.


This stunt is a power play too, of course. For example: When someone says "Will you...?" or "Can I..?" the first thing out of his mouth is "You'll have to wait". However long you can wait, the narcissist will make you wait longer or they will often make you beg or grovel for what you want also.


When the narcissist sees your eyes light up on something you want, they look at it and see nothing but a stick to use a leverage on you. God Almighty wants to make you pray to him for it.



Narcissists do this with every aspect of your needs or wants. These can be your sexual needs/wants, money, attention, conversation etc


If a narcissist finds out what you like , he is sure to take it away from you. For Example: You tell the narcissist you love going to the movies, from that point on you notice you never go to the movies together again.


Why does he do this? Because he wants the whole world to revolve around him and his wants and needs. He doesn't give a flying fig about yours.


Many victims of narcissists have told me that the narcissist would ask them what they wanted for a birthday/christmas present and to write out a list, on the special day in question the victim found that absolutely nothing she asked for on the list was chosen. In fact some victims have been given as a gift something the narcissist knew she didn't want.


Sometimes he punishes by withholding what he knows his partner wants most, affection, attention, companionship, children, sex, money, his presence, whatever will cause her the most distress. Sometimes his reaction to criticism or whatever else he is punishing is so extreme that his partner never dares do it again and tiptoes around his delicate ego.


These sadistic acts are his way of punishing them for not being docile, obedient, admiring and adoring as he expects them to be in view of his uniqueness, cosmic significance and special entitlement.


Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions), discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger.


During periods of frustration which are brought about as a result of their needs not being met narcissistic people will certainly make you aware of your inability to meet these needs. Such as with holding or the "silent treatment" , sulking, discussing things they know upset you or behaving in ways they know you find hurtful regardless of whether or not they are related to the frustration he thinks you have "caused"


If their frustration stems from their own inability to meet their wants and needs e.g. not getting a promotion, losing at sport, receiving criticism for work they have done etc. the frustration is usually transferred onto the people they interact with (often their nearest and dearest)


The Narcissist can with hold anything he wishes. Like Gareth Rodger did, he can use the silent treatment, switch his phone off , refuse to talk , then blame shift or project this back onto me and leave me with the guilty feelings.


He wants you to take what he offers and be satisfied with it even if it isn't what you asked for or is inappropriate. In other words: He will give you a gift he knows you hate but expects you to praise and adore him despite this fact.


It all amounts again to ..self, self self with the narcissist.


You can try with holding your (the victim) own attention, physical closeness and gifts, but playing and stooping to the narcissists level just to "teach him a short lived lesson" or "A short lived lesson he will ignore anyway, then punish you for inflicting upon him" is a bad idea.


Or you could try and show no interest in things you really are interested in, you can bet your bottom dollar the narcissist will then give you the things you want, but it's a backwards-ass way of doing things and why should you tolerate it!


Kick the dirty dog to the kerb where he belongs and never look back. The only way to get away from the narcissist is to abandon him.


Parts of this article were taken in part from Kathy Krajco