During my relationship with Gareth I noticed a lot of what I would come to know as "Red Flags" but at the time I didn't recognize them for what they were.
Pretty much all 99 Red Flags were evident in Gareth in one way shape or form, some he didn't qualify for, but I would steer clear of anyone who displays even a few of the below Red Flags
Trust your gut instincts!!!! and run like hell from any man or woman who displays these red flags in their behaviour.
1. Has an abnormal 'startle response' - doesn't jump or startle when we would. This is documented by professionals, but not well known among the public.
2. May show an odd fascination with fire/weapons/drugs/alcohol.
3. Unusual fascination with body function of bowel movements/products, flatulance./ Would not go to the toilet unless I was out of the house.
4. Homophobic (angry/protests about gays)
5. Staring / tuning you out / The Predatory Stare / Waking up during the night to see his face over mine staring.
6. Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.
7. Odd/irrational behaviour / (Placing my lighters in the freezer)
8. Is intolerant of children or animals.
9. Does not respect your privacy / Stalking
10. Lack of empathy / Inability to put themselves in another's shoes. - Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others that is not clearly visible. - Turns up TV when you have a headache etc
11. ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke
12. roll his or her eyes when you talk?
13."twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
14. Says he hasn't been with a woman in a long time and you are the first he has been interested in
15. Demands knowing where you are if you say no to a date
16. Tickles/wrestles when you keep telling him to stop
17. Doesn't talk much about his family or his past
18. Paranoid you're going out with someone else
19. Paranoid he is being watched
20. Has major Interests in NLP, Seduction Techniques, Psychology
21. Says he loves you on the first date, or online before you have even met
22. Damages the images of most others
23. Exhibits unnatural and perplexing behavior — backwards reactions to things
24. Is a control freak, trampling privacy/boundaries
25. Reacting with contempt to what should evoke sympathy
26. Reacting with anger to what should please (such as finding some mysterious offense in an attempt to suck up)
27. Reacting with aversion to what should attract
28. Getting angrier in reaction to what should appease (Narcissistic Rage)
29. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
30. Sees himself as “special” and should only have to affiliate with others of a similar stature
31. Takes advantage of others to achieve his needs
32. Demonstrates a constant need for admiration or approval
33. Exaggerates personal achievements while minimizing those of others
34. Feels entitled to special treatment and that rules frequently don’t apply to him
35. Very charismatic or charming at first, but can quickly switch from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde without apparent cause
36. May insist that he know your whereabouts at all times
37. Demands compliance with his expectations
38. Is unable to demonstrate or understand empathy or compassion
39. Does not seem to feel real happiness or positive emotions
40. Often criticizes and/or puts others down
41. Assumes himself to be more knowledgeable than those around him
42. May harass or stalk you if you do break up
43. Quick to anger or feel insulted or slighted
44. Rages with anger or inflicts the “silent treatment” when upset
45. Denies he has issues to work on – sees himself as nearly perfect
46. May often take unnecessary risks
47. Frequently humiliates or abuses others, although he doesn’t see it as abuse
48. Sulks when he doesn’t get his way
49. Nothing is ever his fault
50. Exaggerates the truth or blatantly lies
51. Rarely treats anyone with respect or kindness
52. His needs for attention, time, and space matter – yours do not
53. Uses sex as a weapon – through withholding, controlling, or being overly demanding
54. Rarely recognizes the accomplishments or abilities of others
55. Doesn’t appear to have a conscience
56. Does not take criticism well and becomes defensive easily
57. Rarely expresses appreciation of others
58. Is easily hurt and insulted
59. Considers most others in the world “idiots”
60. Shows no feelings of remorse or guilt for his mistakes or the hurts he dishes out
61. Wins most arguments through the use of rationalizing his behavior
62. Frequently complains that whatever you do, it isn’t “good enough”
63. Is often paranoid – thinks people are talking about him behind his back
64. May attempt to limit loved ones from spending time with others
65. May want to have complete control of the family money
66. Always has to win any argument
67.Is often envious of others, or thinks others envy him
68. May feel entitled to go through your purse, closet, or other personal belongings without your permission
69. His attitude is generally haughty or arrogant
70. Rarely can understand another’s point of view
71. Expects you to read his mind when he wants something
72. Hates to stand in line – he shouldn’t have to, as his time is more valuable than others
73. Frequently “forgets” to give birthday and holiday cards and gifts to loved ones
74. May ignore you or be indifferent to you for no reason
75. Leaves others feeling as though they need to “walk on eggshells” around him
76. Is desperate to have the biggest house, car, bank account, or title
77. Often leaves you feeling guilty, drained, fearful, exhausted, just plain stupid, and most of all, wondering how you got there
78. Rushes you into the relationship/ whirlwind romance / Pressuring you to marry him/her
79. Has absolutely NO sense of humor unless it is laughing at someone elses demise or misery
80. Doesn't seem to have any close, "real" relationships--with friends or family
81. Mimics your body language and speech - "Mirroring"
82. Wants to be intimate on the first meeting.
83. Name-dropper
84. Is jealous when you praise friends, is jealous of your achievements, belittled or undermined them to make himself look better.
85. Authority issues - all doctors are quacks, all judges & police are corrupt. He knew better than any "expert". Looked down on anyone working class.
86. When pushed to explain cruel things he had said, denies he had said them.
87. Had two cell/mobile phones
88. Uses the Silent Treatment on you
89. Borrows money from you and then disappears or doesn't call.
90. Logs offline and you don't hear from him for days at a time.
91. Rarely, if ever, said "thank you" for anything or apologized for anything either
92. Doesn't seem to believe me when I tell him things then acts angry when facts are proven to him
93. Starts using words such as "soul mate" and "forever" very quickly after meeting online or in person for the first time.
94. Cuts you off several times without warning and for no good reason. When you started talking again it was always that he was confused or you were getting "crazy" or "suffocating" him.
95. No conversation, avoiding people in normal conversation.
96. Refuses to be left alone with the children
97. Constantly complains of mystery ailments, back ache, head ache, hypochondriac
98. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes
99. A grandiose sense of self-importance
Showing posts with label Red Flags. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Red Flags. Show all posts
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday, April 7, 2011
What is a "Player"?
Definitions of a "Player"
There are many different types, but if any of these sound familiar to you, "red flag" them.
Married - The most common type of Player is without doubt the "married" one, but who never tells you he is married. "red flags" to look for - won't give you his home phone number only his mobile (or none), won't give you his address, can only chat to you during the day ("red flag") is talking to you from work rather than from home.
Married, but - 'wife neglects me, no sex life left, should never have married her, can't leave because of kids/ family/ religion' , etc. "red flag" in most cases the only type of relationship you will have will be a "dead end" one. He's looking for a freebie!
Mr. Blowhard - definitely a "red flag" - all he wants is an audience to listen to and believe his bogus stories of danger and bravery, or he has a promising career, brilliant future etc., but all snatched away from him due to an accident or serious injury. He needs your sympathy, and when you get tired of listening, he'll just move on to find a new audience.
Hit & Run Player - another "red flag" usually the guys just practicing or fine tuning their chat up lines. You will probably receive love poems, links to the most romantic places on the net etc. Very easy to believe they really love only YOU.
Body Surfers - These guys are easy to spot. The broach the subject of sex early in the relationship. - They are only looking for sex … phone sex, cyber sex, pictures, videos or real sex.
The Globe Trotter - Single/married players who travel for a living. They usually have a laptop as well as access to computer at home/work. They are looking to find women who live "on their appointed rounds" (easy to find doing an advanced search of profiles). They them IM or e-mail you saying they are intrigued by your profile etc., and how much in common you seem to have. After they have you chatting a few times amazingly they will happen to be in your area next week and could they come and see you. Once hooked they can add you to their visiting list (saves spending lonely nights in an hotel!!).
Mr. Big - They usually own their own business (they use that as "bait" which we are meant to translate as "I'm a good catch". Or they may let it slip early in the relationship that they own their own business, or they claim to be a lawyer, a doctor or other highly-paid professional. Now think about it. The same as us women, men want to be loved for themselves, NOT their assets so this man needs a "red flag" too. Can you really believe that a real Professional man would have the time to hang around in chat rooms.
The Sympathy Dog - He gives you a long sob story and then everyday there is a new crisis in his life. All he wants from you are daily "pity parties" - just don't fall for it.
Then we get onto the more serious Players,the real Con men who can cause you enormous emotional distress, harassment and stalking.
The Control Freak - He will also have a sob story and use your sympathy to manipulate you to get his own way. Stories you might hear - has a bad heart condition, or needs a kidney transplant, has cancer but it's in remission. These supposed afflictions are for the purpose of "control" .. whenever you step out of line, the following reaction will occur: you added to his depression and he's feeling suicidal, he starts getting chest pains, he has to go on dialysis, the cancer comes out of remission. Using your feelings of guilt, he will quickly have you back under his thumb again.
The Guilt Trip Player - If you don't fall for his MO which he has worked so hard on, then he will throw a temper tantrum. You will probably receive an e-mail from a supposed friend/relative informing you he committed suicide, implying it was over you of course. Then this friend/relative will keep contact with you for weeks to come with details of the funeral and how devastated the family is etc. Or you will be told he was in some terrible accident and is dying (and you are supposed to feel very guilty about how you treated him. (Shame on you! LOL)
The Freeloaders - This type of player is looking for financial support. He will woo you and then suggest something like "I love you too much to take you away from your family and friends, but I am prepared to move nearer to you." "Could I stay with you for a bit to check out the housing situation/job situation etc.". Big "red flag" comes to stay with you, has no money, alcoholic, drug addict says he'll change if you will just stick by him, help him out for a bit financially. Once in your home - you will have a real job to get him out again.
The Cyberpaths (Online Sociopaths) - These are the worse of the bunch…. This type always looks for the easy to bait, vulnerable women, widows, newly divorced, women recovering from a recent heartbreak etc. They lurk, using different screen names, in the widows, divorced, Al-Anon or mature chat rooms (40's, 50's 60's) or school reunion sites, political sites or "married but"..... They start out romancing you like a player does, but it's for an ulterior motive; they become obsessive and then they become the online harasser, the stalker, smear you on their way out … or worse.
Also a Cyberpath, the Emotional Hitchhiker - They generally look for their "sheep" in rooms that involve emotional support widows & widowers, divorced etc. (really sensitive vulnerable people). They will start out as being this great and wonderful guy who has also been widowed or divorced and is in a lot of emotional pain. They will use two different screen names (pretending to be two different people) - one who is a man falling in love with you: the other, a man who just wants your friendship. After they have you madly in love with them, then they will fake their own death. You will receive an e-mail from a family member or friend informing you he: died in a car accident, sudden heart attack etc. Then, using their other screen name, they will hear first hand of your reaction: hear all you grief and complete devastation, getting a complete "high" from your emotions. OR they may tell you they just found out they have cancer, terminal - of course and drag it out for six months or se, getting daily "highs" from your sympathies and your heartbreak. When the "highs" start to falter, then you will receive notice of their "very painful" death.
There are many different types, but if any of these sound familiar to you, "red flag" them.
Married - The most common type of Player is without doubt the "married" one, but who never tells you he is married. "red flags" to look for - won't give you his home phone number only his mobile (or none), won't give you his address, can only chat to you during the day ("red flag") is talking to you from work rather than from home.
Married, but - 'wife neglects me, no sex life left, should never have married her, can't leave because of kids/ family/ religion' , etc. "red flag" in most cases the only type of relationship you will have will be a "dead end" one. He's looking for a freebie!
Mr. Blowhard - definitely a "red flag" - all he wants is an audience to listen to and believe his bogus stories of danger and bravery, or he has a promising career, brilliant future etc., but all snatched away from him due to an accident or serious injury. He needs your sympathy, and when you get tired of listening, he'll just move on to find a new audience.
Hit & Run Player - another "red flag" usually the guys just practicing or fine tuning their chat up lines. You will probably receive love poems, links to the most romantic places on the net etc. Very easy to believe they really love only YOU.
Body Surfers - These guys are easy to spot. The broach the subject of sex early in the relationship. - They are only looking for sex … phone sex, cyber sex, pictures, videos or real sex.
The Globe Trotter - Single/married players who travel for a living. They usually have a laptop as well as access to computer at home/work. They are looking to find women who live "on their appointed rounds" (easy to find doing an advanced search of profiles). They them IM or e-mail you saying they are intrigued by your profile etc., and how much in common you seem to have. After they have you chatting a few times amazingly they will happen to be in your area next week and could they come and see you. Once hooked they can add you to their visiting list (saves spending lonely nights in an hotel!!).
Mr. Big - They usually own their own business (they use that as "bait" which we are meant to translate as "I'm a good catch". Or they may let it slip early in the relationship that they own their own business, or they claim to be a lawyer, a doctor or other highly-paid professional. Now think about it. The same as us women, men want to be loved for themselves, NOT their assets so this man needs a "red flag" too. Can you really believe that a real Professional man would have the time to hang around in chat rooms.
The Sympathy Dog - He gives you a long sob story and then everyday there is a new crisis in his life. All he wants from you are daily "pity parties" - just don't fall for it.
Then we get onto the more serious Players,the real Con men who can cause you enormous emotional distress, harassment and stalking.
The Control Freak - He will also have a sob story and use your sympathy to manipulate you to get his own way. Stories you might hear - has a bad heart condition, or needs a kidney transplant, has cancer but it's in remission. These supposed afflictions are for the purpose of "control" .. whenever you step out of line, the following reaction will occur: you added to his depression and he's feeling suicidal, he starts getting chest pains, he has to go on dialysis, the cancer comes out of remission. Using your feelings of guilt, he will quickly have you back under his thumb again.
The Guilt Trip Player - If you don't fall for his MO which he has worked so hard on, then he will throw a temper tantrum. You will probably receive an e-mail from a supposed friend/relative informing you he committed suicide, implying it was over you of course. Then this friend/relative will keep contact with you for weeks to come with details of the funeral and how devastated the family is etc. Or you will be told he was in some terrible accident and is dying (and you are supposed to feel very guilty about how you treated him. (Shame on you! LOL)
The Freeloaders - This type of player is looking for financial support. He will woo you and then suggest something like "I love you too much to take you away from your family and friends, but I am prepared to move nearer to you." "Could I stay with you for a bit to check out the housing situation/job situation etc.". Big "red flag" comes to stay with you, has no money, alcoholic, drug addict says he'll change if you will just stick by him, help him out for a bit financially. Once in your home - you will have a real job to get him out again.
The Cyberpaths (Online Sociopaths) - These are the worse of the bunch…. This type always looks for the easy to bait, vulnerable women, widows, newly divorced, women recovering from a recent heartbreak etc. They lurk, using different screen names, in the widows, divorced, Al-Anon or mature chat rooms (40's, 50's 60's) or school reunion sites, political sites or "married but"..... They start out romancing you like a player does, but it's for an ulterior motive; they become obsessive and then they become the online harasser, the stalker, smear you on their way out … or worse.
Also a Cyberpath, the Emotional Hitchhiker - They generally look for their "sheep" in rooms that involve emotional support widows & widowers, divorced etc. (really sensitive vulnerable people). They will start out as being this great and wonderful guy who has also been widowed or divorced and is in a lot of emotional pain. They will use two different screen names (pretending to be two different people) - one who is a man falling in love with you: the other, a man who just wants your friendship. After they have you madly in love with them, then they will fake their own death. You will receive an e-mail from a family member or friend informing you he: died in a car accident, sudden heart attack etc. Then, using their other screen name, they will hear first hand of your reaction: hear all you grief and complete devastation, getting a complete "high" from your emotions. OR they may tell you they just found out they have cancer, terminal - of course and drag it out for six months or se, getting daily "highs" from your sympathies and your heartbreak. When the "highs" start to falter, then you will receive notice of their "very painful" death.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Abuser Red Flags/ Victim Red Flags
We believe that we have identified some of the "early warning" signs that we missed in ourselves and our abusers. Note that the abuser can be male or female; the victim can also be either male or female. Not every behavior listed below will be exhibited by a single individual. However, you may want to question your relationship if you find that a large number of these behaviors appear in yourself or your partner.
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Abuser's Behavior
Watch out for these behaviors in your partner. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs that this person may be an abuser. Note that the abuser can be male or female.
Jealous of time or resources you give others.
Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.
Insists that it is "a bad time" to talk to family on the phone.
Feels that resources are "wasted" if given to children.
Gets angry if you do favors for other people or give them things.
Would rather throw something away than give it to someone else.
Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals.
Finds your hobbies boring, pointless, unproductive, or a waste of time.
Is uncooperative about attending parties or events that interest you.
Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.
States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.
Is rude or inconsiderate of others in a self-centered way.
Insists on discussing something with you while you are trying to read or watch television.
Expects you to be the one who answers the door or telephone.
Expects you to drop what you are doing when summoned.
Interrupts others while talking on a consistent basis.
Will not act to accommodate others' convenience or comfort.
Won't go outside to smoke
Will not turn down TV or radio while others are talking.
Is unconcerned and unapologetic if rude behavior is pointed out.
Does not respect your right to make your own decisions.
Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.
Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.
Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.
Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.
Insists that their way is the "right way".
Claims that their arguments are based on logic or sound evidence and that yours are not.
Places no value on decisions made based on feelings or intuition.
Believes that any opinion you have is invalid, illogical, hysterical, or selfish.
Is completely intolerant of any criticism of their own behavior.
Is confident that their employer and/or employees are all defective somehow.
Considers your friends to be idiots.
Extremely opinionated and critical of others
Racist or sexist.
Dogmatic about behavior in others.
Unwilling to tolerate opinions that differ from their own.
Has double standards for behavior.
Is rude to your family.
Dislikes your family.
Has "trouble" at work.
Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.
Explains employment set-backs as some sort of victimization.
Believes that their boss treats them poorly.
Believes that their co-workers are working against them.
Disregards laws or social customs that interfere with their own goals or pleasure.
Sees no point in observing holidays or giving gifts.
Is disinterested in following family or religious customs.
Believes that people who work hard for a living are "suckers".
Is scornful of the government or the "system".
Uses illegal drugs.
Is very concerned about their public image.
Treats you better in public than in private.
Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.
Brags about you or your accomplishments to others, but never compliments you in private.
Attempts to make you jealous or insecure
Threatens to leave you.
Hints or states that they have other lovers waiting on the side.
Compares you to previous lovers.
Admires strangers and compares you to them.
Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.
Is jealous and suspicious.
Accuses you of infidelity.
Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.
States or implies that you got a job offer or interview because of your appearance.
Doesn't want you to take part in an activity or outing because you might meet someone else there.
Rushes the relationship
Pressures you to move in together.
Pressures you to have sex before you are ready.
Proposes marriage early in the relationship.
Does not respect your privacy
Reads your diary or journal.
Opens your mail.
Goes through your drawers and desk.
Manipulates others to achieve their goals
Uses guilt trips.
Does things that are dishonest or illegal.
Attempts to coerce you into doing things that make you uncomfortable.
Threatens suicide or homicide if you don't cooperate with them.
Lectures you endlessly until you agree.
Is easily angered at others who interfere with their activities.
Engages in "Road Rage".
Reactions are out of proportion to level of inconvenience.
Impatient
Is intolerant of children or animals.
Will not get up to feed or change the baby.
Is unwilling to have pets or children because of the mess or inconvenience.
Shows preferential treatment between children (especially "natural" vs. "step" children).
Believes that children don't deserve the level of treatment or support as adults.
Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship.
Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.
Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.
Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.
Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.
Lack of empathy
Inability to put themselves in another's shoes.
Unwilling to provide comfort to others unless "blame" clearly lies elsewhere.
Makes minimal effort to care for others when sick or injured while complaining about the inconvenience.
Cruel to animals.
Considers donations to charity a waste.
Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others/ or you that is not clearly visible.
Turns up TV when you have a headache
Insists on spicy food when you have an upset stomach
Expects you to help with chores when you are feeling sick.
Tears down your self esteem and erodes your confidence.
Tone of voice unreasonably deriding or scornful for the situation.
Questions your ability to do simple things.
Asks you to make a decision and then rejects your decision. Often asking you to decide over again.
Accuses you of being overly sensitive to criticism.
Calls you names.
Criticizes you openly.
Interferes with or attempts to control your career.
Pressures you to quit or change your job.
Thinks that your employer interferes with your marriage.
Thinks that your co-workers/employer/employees are defective somehow.
Attempts to resolve conflicts you have at work for you.
Seeks to "help you" with your career, and is upset if you don't cooperate.
Attempts to choose your job or work projects for you.
Punishes you or threatens to punish you for "misbehaving
Strands you somewhere.
Gives you the "silent treatment".
Yells at you.
Lectures you.
Believes that a "discussion" about your relationship is more important that any other obligation or activity.
Makes you late to work or social activities because they want to discuss something.
Picks a fight with you at bedtime and then won't let you go to sleep for hours.
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Victim's Behavior
Watch out for these behaviors in yourself. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs of low self esteem
and behaviors that set you up to be abused.
Fear of failure, and extreme insecurity about your own competance
Try hard to conceal or downplay any mistakes you make.
Are afraid to be seen as stupid, lazy, or weak.
Feel that you are "supposed" to be able to handle a situation or task.
Fear that others will think less or you if you quit.
Believe that no excuse is good enough for a mistake you have made.
Willing to overlook other people's flaws or mistakes.
Believe everyone else but you is perfect and has a good reason for making a mistake.
Believe that you can help others "live up to their potential".
Not trusting your own judgment.
Feel as though your opinion is not as "worthy" as someone else's.
Find a "logical" argument to disregard your "inner voice" or gut feeling.
Assume that criticism you receive from others is valid.
Need another person's input before you can make a decision.
Not feeling that you deserve to be treated well.
Are willing to go to great inconvenience and trouble to avoid causing someone else inconvenience.
Don't want to appear "demanding" or to be considered a "trouble maker"
Assume that if someone treats you poorly then you must have done something wrong.
Expect and accept criticism when you have completed a task.
Are unwilling to be disruptive to the relationship.
Avoid discussing issues that you fear will upset your partner.
Are unwilling to break off a bad relationship because you don't want to hurt your partner.
Secretly wish that your partner would die, move away, find someone else, or offer to leave the relationship.
Allow others to make most decisions.
Let someone else make all the decisions with no input or discussion from you.
Allow others to talk you into a decision you don't like.
Make a decision to please others rather than yourself.
Choose a course of action because you don't want to hurt a particular person's feelings.
Find it easier to "go along" with others decision rather than stand your ground.
Hide behind "womanly tasks" like cooking, etc. - rather than dealing with reality.
Behave as though you agree with others, even when you don't.
"Parrot" someone else's opinions or behaviors.
Keep quiet when you disagree with something
- Allowing someone to think by your silence that you agree with them even if you don't.
- Thinking that the subject is not worth an argument.
Act to "protect" others at your own expense.
Won't break up with a significant other strictly to avoid hurting their feelings.
Avoid saying what you want or need to say because you don't want to hurt someone.
Accept blame that is not yours to protect someone else.
Giving up things that are important to you to please others.
Give up hobbies or activities that aren't shared or approved of.
Give away or sell precious momentos because they "clutter up the place".
Keep photos or momentos in storage rather than display them because your abuser doesn't like them.
Isolate yourself from all people other than your abuser.
Allow friendships with people your abuser dislikes to wither away.
Visit or call family less and less because your abuser dislikes them.
Spend less time with friends, family, or co-workers because it "takes too much time".
Never go anywhere without your abuser.
Conceal your abusers behavior from others.
Believe that others "wouldn't understand" why a situation or behavior is "justified".
Are embarrassed that you allow yourself to be treated this way.
Have been asked or coerced by your abuser to not tell.
Are afraid of being accused of "making them look bad".
Take responsibility for things that are not your responsibility.
"Help" resolve other people's conflicts by acting as mediator
Apologize for things that OTHER people did.
"Cover" for people who are not handling their own responsibilities.
Accept more than your fair share of blame in a conflict.
Apologize just so that the fight will end, not because you think you did something wrong.
Fix, clean up, or conceal something done by someone else to avoid being accused of having done it.
Attraction to authority figures.
Attracted to the smart, self-confident, powerful people.
Attempt to prove your worth to them.
Are thrilled if they "bother" to notice you.
Assume that their advice is sound.
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Abuser's Behavior
Watch out for these behaviors in your partner. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs that this person may be an abuser. Note that the abuser can be male or female.
Jealous of time or resources you give others.
Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.
Insists that it is "a bad time" to talk to family on the phone.
Feels that resources are "wasted" if given to children.
Gets angry if you do favors for other people or give them things.
Would rather throw something away than give it to someone else.
Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals.
Finds your hobbies boring, pointless, unproductive, or a waste of time.
Is uncooperative about attending parties or events that interest you.
Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.
States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.
Is rude or inconsiderate of others in a self-centered way.
Insists on discussing something with you while you are trying to read or watch television.
Expects you to be the one who answers the door or telephone.
Expects you to drop what you are doing when summoned.
Interrupts others while talking on a consistent basis.
Will not act to accommodate others' convenience or comfort.
Won't go outside to smoke
Will not turn down TV or radio while others are talking.
Is unconcerned and unapologetic if rude behavior is pointed out.
Does not respect your right to make your own decisions.
Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.
Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.
Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.
Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.
Insists that their way is the "right way".
Claims that their arguments are based on logic or sound evidence and that yours are not.
Places no value on decisions made based on feelings or intuition.
Believes that any opinion you have is invalid, illogical, hysterical, or selfish.
Is completely intolerant of any criticism of their own behavior.
Is confident that their employer and/or employees are all defective somehow.
Considers your friends to be idiots.
Extremely opinionated and critical of others
Racist or sexist.
Dogmatic about behavior in others.
Unwilling to tolerate opinions that differ from their own.
Has double standards for behavior.
Is rude to your family.
Dislikes your family.
Has "trouble" at work.
Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.
Explains employment set-backs as some sort of victimization.
Believes that their boss treats them poorly.
Believes that their co-workers are working against them.
Disregards laws or social customs that interfere with their own goals or pleasure.
Sees no point in observing holidays or giving gifts.
Is disinterested in following family or religious customs.
Believes that people who work hard for a living are "suckers".
Is scornful of the government or the "system".
Uses illegal drugs.
Is very concerned about their public image.
Treats you better in public than in private.
Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.
Brags about you or your accomplishments to others, but never compliments you in private.
Attempts to make you jealous or insecure
Threatens to leave you.
Hints or states that they have other lovers waiting on the side.
Compares you to previous lovers.
Admires strangers and compares you to them.
Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.
Is jealous and suspicious.
Accuses you of infidelity.
Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.
States or implies that you got a job offer or interview because of your appearance.
Doesn't want you to take part in an activity or outing because you might meet someone else there.
Rushes the relationship
Pressures you to move in together.
Pressures you to have sex before you are ready.
Proposes marriage early in the relationship.
Does not respect your privacy
Reads your diary or journal.
Opens your mail.
Goes through your drawers and desk.
Manipulates others to achieve their goals
Uses guilt trips.
Does things that are dishonest or illegal.
Attempts to coerce you into doing things that make you uncomfortable.
Threatens suicide or homicide if you don't cooperate with them.
Lectures you endlessly until you agree.
Is easily angered at others who interfere with their activities.
Engages in "Road Rage".
Reactions are out of proportion to level of inconvenience.
Impatient
Is intolerant of children or animals.
Will not get up to feed or change the baby.
Is unwilling to have pets or children because of the mess or inconvenience.
Shows preferential treatment between children (especially "natural" vs. "step" children).
Believes that children don't deserve the level of treatment or support as adults.
Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship.
Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.
Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.
Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.
Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.
Lack of empathy
Inability to put themselves in another's shoes.
Unwilling to provide comfort to others unless "blame" clearly lies elsewhere.
Makes minimal effort to care for others when sick or injured while complaining about the inconvenience.
Cruel to animals.
Considers donations to charity a waste.
Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others/ or you that is not clearly visible.
Turns up TV when you have a headache
Insists on spicy food when you have an upset stomach
Expects you to help with chores when you are feeling sick.
Tears down your self esteem and erodes your confidence.
Tone of voice unreasonably deriding or scornful for the situation.
Questions your ability to do simple things.
Asks you to make a decision and then rejects your decision. Often asking you to decide over again.
Accuses you of being overly sensitive to criticism.
Calls you names.
Criticizes you openly.
Interferes with or attempts to control your career.
Pressures you to quit or change your job.
Thinks that your employer interferes with your marriage.
Thinks that your co-workers/employer/employees are defective somehow.
Attempts to resolve conflicts you have at work for you.
Seeks to "help you" with your career, and is upset if you don't cooperate.
Attempts to choose your job or work projects for you.
Punishes you or threatens to punish you for "misbehaving
Strands you somewhere.
Gives you the "silent treatment".
Yells at you.
Lectures you.
Believes that a "discussion" about your relationship is more important that any other obligation or activity.
Makes you late to work or social activities because they want to discuss something.
Picks a fight with you at bedtime and then won't let you go to sleep for hours.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Victim's Behavior
Watch out for these behaviors in yourself. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs of low self esteem
and behaviors that set you up to be abused.
Fear of failure, and extreme insecurity about your own competance
Try hard to conceal or downplay any mistakes you make.
Are afraid to be seen as stupid, lazy, or weak.
Feel that you are "supposed" to be able to handle a situation or task.
Fear that others will think less or you if you quit.
Believe that no excuse is good enough for a mistake you have made.
Willing to overlook other people's flaws or mistakes.
Believe everyone else but you is perfect and has a good reason for making a mistake.
Believe that you can help others "live up to their potential".
Not trusting your own judgment.
Feel as though your opinion is not as "worthy" as someone else's.
Find a "logical" argument to disregard your "inner voice" or gut feeling.
Assume that criticism you receive from others is valid.
Need another person's input before you can make a decision.
Not feeling that you deserve to be treated well.
Are willing to go to great inconvenience and trouble to avoid causing someone else inconvenience.
Don't want to appear "demanding" or to be considered a "trouble maker"
Assume that if someone treats you poorly then you must have done something wrong.
Expect and accept criticism when you have completed a task.
Are unwilling to be disruptive to the relationship.
Avoid discussing issues that you fear will upset your partner.
Are unwilling to break off a bad relationship because you don't want to hurt your partner.
Secretly wish that your partner would die, move away, find someone else, or offer to leave the relationship.
Allow others to make most decisions.
Let someone else make all the decisions with no input or discussion from you.
Allow others to talk you into a decision you don't like.
Make a decision to please others rather than yourself.
Choose a course of action because you don't want to hurt a particular person's feelings.
Find it easier to "go along" with others decision rather than stand your ground.
Hide behind "womanly tasks" like cooking, etc. - rather than dealing with reality.
Behave as though you agree with others, even when you don't.
"Parrot" someone else's opinions or behaviors.
Keep quiet when you disagree with something
- Allowing someone to think by your silence that you agree with them even if you don't.
- Thinking that the subject is not worth an argument.
Act to "protect" others at your own expense.
Won't break up with a significant other strictly to avoid hurting their feelings.
Avoid saying what you want or need to say because you don't want to hurt someone.
Accept blame that is not yours to protect someone else.
Giving up things that are important to you to please others.
Give up hobbies or activities that aren't shared or approved of.
Give away or sell precious momentos because they "clutter up the place".
Keep photos or momentos in storage rather than display them because your abuser doesn't like them.
Isolate yourself from all people other than your abuser.
Allow friendships with people your abuser dislikes to wither away.
Visit or call family less and less because your abuser dislikes them.
Spend less time with friends, family, or co-workers because it "takes too much time".
Never go anywhere without your abuser.
Conceal your abusers behavior from others.
Believe that others "wouldn't understand" why a situation or behavior is "justified".
Are embarrassed that you allow yourself to be treated this way.
Have been asked or coerced by your abuser to not tell.
Are afraid of being accused of "making them look bad".
Take responsibility for things that are not your responsibility.
"Help" resolve other people's conflicts by acting as mediator
Apologize for things that OTHER people did.
"Cover" for people who are not handling their own responsibilities.
Accept more than your fair share of blame in a conflict.
Apologize just so that the fight will end, not because you think you did something wrong.
Fix, clean up, or conceal something done by someone else to avoid being accused of having done it.
Attraction to authority figures.
Attracted to the smart, self-confident, powerful people.
Attempt to prove your worth to them.
Are thrilled if they "bother" to notice you.
Assume that their advice is sound.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
How A Female Narcissist (Queen Bee) Views Her Victims
Pink's "Please Don't Leave Me" Music Video, shows pretty much how a female narcissist (Queen Bee) Views her victims and her relationship.
High Quality Version
The girl in the video doesn't connect at all with her partner, she treats him as an object, a possession, just like the dolls in her home all arranged and positioned in place as her audience. Dolls are not real, they do not have emotions, she can relate to that.
Her partner knows whatever she says is brimming with insincerity, her words belie her actions. He realizes that "it's always gonna come right back to this", the same place, the same arguments, the same situations.
Watch her tilt her head when her partner falls down the stairs, she does not react at all to begin with until she sees his disbelief in her uncaring attitude. She knows she must now react and show some human emotion, and does so by running down the stairs to help him.
When her partner tries to leave her and escape she pulls out all of the stops, crying, pleading , hurting him (debilitating him) and then to threatening to kill him with an AXE.
She wants to win, it's all just a contest. She blame shifts and projects all her bad behaviour onto him.
In the end, he may be 'free' of her but as we all know, we are never truly 'free' which is why she gets up at the end of the video.
The entire charade was all a "Performance", a big dramatic scene in order to control and dominate.
Lyrics
Don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time have I kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
I can be so mean when I wanna be.......
I am capable of really anything I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is....broken
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this.......Please, don't leave me
How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Please don't leave me
I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry Baby please don't leave me
There are no escapes with a Queen Bee (Female Narcissist) , so make sure you check your Red Flag Checklist before bending down on one knee.
Thanks to Psychopathy and Lies for this gem
Sunday, February 8, 2009
99 Red Flags That You Are Involved With A Narcissist/Psychopath.
During my relationship with Gareth I noticed a lot of what I would come to know as "Red Flags" but at the time I didn't recognize them for what they were.
Pretty much all 99 Red Flags were evident in Gareth in one way shape or form, some he didn't qualify for, but I would steer clear of anyone who displays even a few of the below Red Flags
Trust your gut instincts!!!! and run like hell from any man or woman who displays these red flags in their behaviour.
1. Has an abnormal 'startle response' - doesn't jump or startle when we would. This is documented by professionals, but not well known among the public.
2. May show an odd fascination with fire/weapons/drugs/alcohol.
3. Unusual fascination with body function of bowel movements/products, flatulance./ Would not go to the toilet unless I was out of the house.
4. Homophobic (angry/protests about gays)
5. Staring / tuning you out / The Predatory Stare / Waking up during the night to see his face over mine staring.
6. Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.
7. Odd/irrational behaviour / (Placing my lighters in the freezer)
8. Is intolerant of children or animals.
9. Does not respect your privacy / Stalking
10. Lack of empathy / Inability to put themselves in another's shoes. - Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others that is not clearly visible. - Turns up TV when you have a headache etc
11. ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke
12. roll his or her eyes when you talk?
13."twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
14. Says he hasn't been with a woman in a long time and you are the first he has been interested in
15. Demands knowing where you are if you say no to a date
16. Tickles/wrestles when you keep telling him to stop
17. Doesn't talk much about his family or his past
18. Paranoid you're going out with someone else
19. Paranoid he is being watched
20. Has major Interests in NLP, Seduction Techniques, Psychology
21. Says he loves you on the first date, or online before you have even met
22. Damages the images of most others
23. Exhibits unnatural and perplexing behavior — backwards reactions to things
24. Is a control freak, trampling privacy/boundaries
25. Reacting with contempt to what should evoke sympathy
26. Reacting with anger to what should please (such as finding some mysterious offense in an attempt to suck up)
27. Reacting with aversion to what should attract
28. Getting angrier in reaction to what should appease (Narcissistic Rage)
29. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
30. Sees himself as “special” and should only have to affiliate with others of a similar stature
31. Takes advantage of others to achieve his needs
32. Demonstrates a constant need for admiration or approval
33. Exaggerates personal achievements while minimizing those of others
34. Feels entitled to special treatment and that rules frequently don’t apply to him
35. Very charismatic or charming at first, but can quickly switch from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde without apparent cause
36. May insist that he know your whereabouts at all times
37. Demands compliance with his expectations
38. Is unable to demonstrate or understand empathy or compassion
39. Does not seem to feel real happiness or positive emotions
40. Often criticizes and/or puts others down
41. Assumes himself to be more knowledgeable than those around him
42. May harass or stalk you if you do break up
43. Quick to anger or feel insulted or slighted
44. Rages with anger or inflicts the “silent treatment” when upset
45. Denies he has issues to work on – sees himself as nearly perfect
46. May often take unnecessary risks
47. Frequently humiliates or abuses others, although he doesn’t see it as abuse
48. Sulks when he doesn’t get his way
49. Nothing is ever his fault
50. Exaggerates the truth or blatantly lies
51. Rarely treats anyone with respect or kindness
52. His needs for attention, time, and space matter – yours do not
53. Uses sex as a weapon – through withholding, controlling, or being overly demanding
54. Rarely recognizes the accomplishments or abilities of others
55. Doesn’t appear to have a conscience
56. Does not take criticism well and becomes defensive easily
57. Rarely expresses appreciation of others
58. Is easily hurt and insulted
59. Considers most others in the world “idiots”
60. Shows no feelings of remorse or guilt for his mistakes or the hurts he dishes out
61. Wins most arguments through the use of rationalizing his behavior
62. Frequently complains that whatever you do, it isn’t “good enough”
63. Is often paranoid – thinks people are talking about him behind his back
64. May attempt to limit loved ones from spending time with others
65. May want to have complete control of the family money
66. Always has to win any argument
67.Is often envious of others, or thinks others envy him
68. May feel entitled to go through your purse, closet, or other personal belongings without your permission
69. His attitude is generally haughty or arrogant
70. Rarely can understand another’s point of view
71. Expects you to read his mind when he wants something
72. Hates to stand in line – he shouldn’t have to, as his time is more valuable than others
73. Frequently “forgets” to give birthday and holiday cards and gifts to loved ones
74. May ignore you or be indifferent to you for no reason
75. Leaves others feeling as though they need to “walk on eggshells” around him
76. Is desperate to have the biggest house, car, bank account, or title
77. Often leaves you feeling guilty, drained, fearful, exhausted, just plain stupid, and most of all, wondering how you got there
78. Rushes you into the relationship/ whirlwind romance / Pressuring you to marry him/her
79. Has absolutely NO sense of humor unless it is laughing at someone elses demise or misery
80. Doesn't seem to have any close, "real" relationships--with friends or family
81. Mimics your body language and speech - "Mirroring"
82. Wants to be intimate on the first meeting.
83. Name-dropper
84. Is jealous when you praise friends, is jealous of your achievements, belittled or undermined them to make himself look better.
85. Authority issues - all doctors are quacks, all judges & police are corrupt. He knew better than any "expert". Looked down on anyone working class.
86. When pushed to explain cruel things he had said, denies he had said them.
87. Had two cell/mobile phones
88. Uses the Silent Treatment on you
89. Borrows money from you and then disappears or doesn't call.
90. Logs offline and you don't hear from him for days at a time.
91. Rarely, if ever, said "thank you" for anything or apologized for anything either
92. Doesn't seem to believe me when I tell him things then acts angry when facts are proven to him
93. Starts using words such as "soul mate" and "forever" very quickly after meeting online or in person for the first time.
94. Cuts you off several times without warning and for no good reason. When you started talking again it was always that he was confused or you were getting "crazy" or "suffocating" him.
95. No conversation, avoiding people in normal conversation.
96. Refuses to be left alone with the children
97. Constantly complains of mystery ailments, back ache, head ache, hypochondriac
98. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes
99. A grandiose sense of self-importance
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