How to Shop for Groceries, Bachelor Style

I had the great misfortune of being in a Trader Joe's this weekend.  The experience and my observations of the people are enough to merit their own post, but there is something much more important to write about -

How to go grocery shopping "bachelor style."

And by "bachelor style" I mean "the most efficient and correct way."

Understand BOTH men and women have no strategy or organization on how to go shopping for groceries.  They merely enter, follow the way the marketeers of the grocery store have laid out your path for you, and dare you leave that path you wander aimlessly, down aisles, looking for something.

So let me help you save time and money doing things "The Bachelor Way."

First, stop it with lists.  The only people that should have lists are chefs because they're making something specific and need ingredients.  Even if you ARE a chef, the Bachelor Way is still most efficient.  Besides, true bachelors don't do lists.

Second, get rid of the coupons.  Yes, I know you save money.  But you will lose that money in time nitpicking around looking for that 32 oz box instead of the 27 oz box not to mention holding up the entire US economy, double dipping us into another recession as you hold back 40% of the local labor force in your check out lane.

Third, your goal is TIME.  Most specifically, efficiency.  To get ALL the groceries you need in the shortest amount of time.

Fourth, employ the "Cappy Cap Method" of shopping.

This is a method or technique I developed in college when time was of the essence.

You grab a cart. 

You place that cart at the end of an aisle.  You RACE up one aisle, looking right and then left, grabbing everything you need in that aisle.  You then U-turn into the adjacent  aisle and do the same thing as you head back to your cart.

Drop all the items into your cart that you picked up in the two aisles.

Move the cart down to the next two aisles.

And repeat the process until in (what should be) 5 minutes you have covered ALL the aisles in the ENTIRE grocery store with EVERYTHING you need.  (I will permit you to get a Red Bull as a treat whilst in the check out lane).

The main point of the Cappy Cap Method of shopping is NOT to bring your cart into the aisle along with the rest of the obese 50 year olds scanning each square inch of the shelving as you create a grocery store traffic jam.  You cover as much ground as quickly as possible, positioning your cart at a strategic drop point which allows you to get everything you need and get out.

This has been a public service announcement from Cappy.