Shit Slingers I (The Early Years Part 2 by Polish Avenger)

Polish Avenger – A software-engineering undergraduate sentenced to 25 years because his friend was shot dead during a burglary they were committing. In Arizona, if a burglar gets killed, the accomplices can get 25-year sentences.

Picking up from part 1, we saw that I’d been hired as a Biohazard Porter. At the time it hadn’t really sunk in that there were five of us. That meant there were frequent and large enough spills of poop, blood, urine and phlegm to actually justify a five-man mop-up crew.

And yes…there was. And then some!

So the question naturally comes to mind: just where was all that gooey organic matter coming from? And why? This was a supermaximum prison after all, where you hardly ever got out of your cell to even make a mess. The source of all these biodegradable stink cookies was a particularly nasty subculture of the prison community known as “shit slingers.”

Shit slinger: the name is appropriate. Note the similarity to gun slinger; a high degree of skill and creativity is implied – no animalistic poop flings here! No, we had certified Masters of Weaponized Fecal Distribution. Truly the cutting edge of Defecatory Ballistic Science. To be sure it was a veritable think tank – nay, stink tank – of methods to douse one’s enemies in a thick layer of drippy infectious ooze.

What’s that? It was deliberate, you ask? Most assuredly! Since it was ultra-lockdown, the usual methods of conflict resolution (beating, stabbing, etc.) were very seldom an option. How do you assault someone from behind a steel mesh door? You got it – liquid poop soup!

Here’s the official recipe shit slingers use:

Ingredients

1 empty shampoo bottle, 16 oz
1 ballpoint pen tube (the outer part)
1 plastic spoon or other stirrer – disposable!
1 razor blade or nail clippers
tape (optional but recommended)
large amount of poo – adjust to taste

1) Defecate liberally into container of your choosing (baggie, floor… hell, even the toilet, if you’re into that sort of thing!) When enough has accumulated, carefully hand pack into shampoo bottle. Add a dash of water. With spoon or stirrer, whip into a smooth frappé. Set aside.

2) With razor or clippers, make an X-shaped cut in the cap of the shampoo bottle. Jam the pen tube quarter of the way through. Seal with tape if available.

3) Screw the cap on. You now have a Dookie Uzi.

4) Point the pen barrel out of the mesh at the front of the cell, take aim, and forcefully squeeze. You can easily get a solid stream to 30 feet away with great accuracy.
Hint: For added ick factor, let the poop sit for a couple of weeks until mold forms on the top. It’s really infectious then!

OK, OK, I hear you shouting at me: PA, are you serious? Surely no one in their right mind would build such a diabolical and degrading weapon of ass destruction! Sigh. If only I were making it up. No, friends, it is all too real in prison. These fellows were not in their right mind! And I cleaned up after hundreds of such devices.

In the next post we’ll explore just why somebody would go and do such an impolite act.

DISCLAIMER: I in no way encourage or condone drenching anyone in fecal matter. I’m just a historian!

Click here for “The Early Years Part 1” by Polish Avenger

Click here to read why Polish Avenger is in prison

Click here for Question Time with Polish Avenger

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Shaun Attwood