Main Stream Media

Yep, that about sums it up.

I just hope when I'm older I'm not this clueless.

You Kids and Your Damn "Texting"

I get my cell phone bill.

$3.40 for TEXTING.

What pisses me off is that I DO NOT TEXT!

My friends do.

And ooohhhh, what a fun time it is to text the ole Cap and needlessly charge him 20 cents. Oh boy! What fun! Just like poking a poor sleeping dog, tee hee heee! Let's annoy the Captain and send him a pointless text.

Of course my friends think this is funny. That I'm the "one guy" who doesn't have texting. As if it's the equivalent of not having internet access or a toilet in 2009. And besides which they sickly view it as a form of cheap entertainment. "Well, it only will cost him 20 cents, but tee hee heeee! Oh he'll be pissed! That's so worth it." And damn if they can't go a day without texting him about irrelevant BS when a normal freaking phone call would suffice.

"Hey, Captain, we're going to a moving. Want to go?"

Oh, no. That has to be texted you see, because "texting" is "cool." It's what the cool hip kids do.

Never mind it takes longer than picking up the freaking phone and calling the person.

Never mind it's infinitely more labor intensive to type a paragraph than to just call the person while on the phone.

Oh no, we gotta text.

Ergo, to smite you young punk kids, guess what I just did? THat's right, I disabled the texting on my plan. Now, instead of being sucked dry of my finite wealth for other people's texting addiction, I will laugh as I never receive your textings. You will waste your time and labor texting me messages that I shall never receive. And remember the fun times you had saying, "Hey, you know, it isn't a lot, it will only cost him 20 cents, but boy that 20 cents will sure goad his goose, tee hee heeee, let's text the Captain" yeah, har har, those times are over.

I now plan on taking the $56,902 I would have saved over my life in never receiving texts and
buying a sports car with it.

Annual Chart Competition Coming to a Close

I shall be ending the annual chart competition by this weekend.

If you want to get your chart in (and thus, get your chance to win fabulous Cappy Cap prizes, then you better hurry up and send me your charts!)

E-mail them to CAPTcapitalism@yahoo.com!

A Friend of Mine Told Me to Post This

I usually "josh" (not to get Jewish on you, but I am, afterall (I'm told) a quarter Jew) with my friends, but every once in a while I write something to my friends, in lovingly jest to lessen the pain of this recession, that endears me to them. Thusly, I am requested to "post that on the internet."

Ergo I shall. Names have been deleted to maintain anonymity. Obviously you will have to click on it to see it full font.

Entrant #12 - Captain Capitalism's 2009 Annual Chart Contest

From Tom.


Freaking hi-larious!

Joe Penaz - Carry Conceal

My carry conceal permit is about to expire and so I went in to get the mandatory training needed to renew. You have your choice of many instructors who conduct the training and as it just so happened Joe Penaz was the only instructor offering classes that fit my schedule.

Now I was referred to him by a friend who said he offered the cheapest classes in town so naturally when I went to find out more about him I looked up his name on the internet. But to my surprise I found this web site.

Apparently a couple people don't like Joe, but notice I said "apparently" and "a couple people." Because if you read the comments you'll see pretty much everybody WHO HAS TAKEN HIS COURSE LIKED HIM!

Now "apparently" it seems to me, that good ol' Joe is nothing more than a victim of a malicious, childish intent to rub him out of business. "Apparently" it seems to me that the only thing good ol' Joe is guilty of is pissing off the instructors who charge $170 for the class while he undercuts them by only charging $100. It seems to me that you have little baby Obama socialist whiners who aren't real men, can't compete in the free market and therefore have to resort to dirty underhanded childish, COWARDLY tactics like this and frankly don't deserve to be delivering the training themselves.

Now I have no personal ties to Joe Penaz, I just took his class last night. But what pisses me off is childish little brats who have to go and hide behind the internet and try to slander hard working people for something that can only be described as childish spite (and those Cappy Cap readers know I have gone through one such instance). Joe's class was fine. Sure there were a couple things I'd change, but it wasn't any worse than any other course I've taken. Besides which this guy and his wife were kind enough to FEED US HOME MADE FOOD (the course takes about 5 hours). His wife took the time to make the students a meal (and if you read through some of the comments these trolls even rip apart her cooking).

And these little internet trolls have nothing better to do?

So do yourself and Joe a favor. If you're looking to get your carry and conceal permit or renew it, contact Joe. You may have to drive a ways, but it will cost you a lot less, you'll get a good meal, and it will piss off all the right people.

World's Dumbest Economy

Wall Street as you know likes to convince the world that they are the smartest people in the world. That they are the elite, the cream of the crop of this country, because they went to Harvard (like their daddy did) and ended up working for Goldman Sachs (like their daddy did...matter of fact they work for their daddy...what are the chances of that?)

However, it was precisely these morons that got us into this financial mess in the first place. Ergo why GDP can contract at 6% (which is HEAVENLY!) and the markets can rally;


Morons.

29 Apr 09

Update on Two Tonys

Two Tonys - A whacker of men and Mafia associate serving multiple life sentences for murders and violent crimes. Left bodies from Tucson to Alaska, but claims all his victims "had it coming." Recently diagnosed with liver cancer, and is in chemotherapy fighting to prolong his life.

I received this yesterday from his daughter:

Two Tonys is doing good, so he says on the phone. My husband was in Tucson last weekend and they had a nice visit. Two Tonys is really skinny, but otherwise seems to be feeling OK. He calls every week and I am going to try to get my oldest son up there for a visit this Saturday. He called today - I wasn't home. That's so weird about your dream because he seems to be doing alright. Please let me know if there is any special message you would like me to tell him.

I received this letter from Jim Hogg, one of Two Tonys’ closest friends in prison:

I just wanted to drop a line and say hi. I’m here with Two Tonys, and taking good care of him. I’m kinda worried about him since I’m getting released soon. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m going to do, and you know if you don’t have family you have nothing coming from Arizona.

I remember when you moved onto my yard. Two Tonys told me to look out for you and I did! Just waited for someone to fuck with you, and “Big Jim Hogg” would have broke their backs. I was ready and willing to smash anyone who messed with you pal. I also remember all you told me about life and what it has to offer!

Well, it’s my turn to be released, and I feel so lost, and I’ve no where to go. Two Tonys worries about me, and wants the best for me. There’s not a day goes by when I don’t feel the pain I’m going to have when I say goodbye to him. I have a good heart and hope that God puts good people in my life. I’m so nervous on my release after 13 years.

I’m glad to hear you are doing great. You deserve it, Shaun!

Lots of love and respect from me, my friend.

Big Jim Hogg

ps) I still miss going surfing.


Click here for Two Tonys’ previous blog

Our friends inside appreciate your comments.

Email well wishes for Two Tonys to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below. To post a comment if you do not have a Google/Blogger account, just select anonymous for your identity.

Shaun P. Attwood

Ramirez Rules

Man got game.

Highest Marginal Tax Rates

Russia, and I've said this before, will probably out pace the US in terms of long term economic growth because of one thing and one thing only; a flat tax.


And not only is it a flat tax, but a very low one at that.

Now Russia, for all its faults (alcoholism, corruption, etc) does have an infrastructure, a stable and sane society (ie-not shooting each other up over food as per Africa) and as they get corruption under control, I believe more and more people will take advantage of these low taxes and capital will flow there. However, fresh on my mind is also how much time and effort I had to piss away to calculate my tax bill. I do believe the simplicity of their tax code will alone attract people there. Again, over the long run.

Uncle Jay Explains the News

Ah, good ole Uncle Jay.

Intellectual Honesty

I don't like Barack Obama. He's a socialist, he's a daddy's boy, he's never had a real job.

But I will give credit where credit is due. He is the first politician I've ever heard tell an unpopular truth.


However, while he is more moralled than the average politician, sadly he's a moron when it comes to economics.

27 Apr 09

Article in Prisoners Abroad Newsletter

Prisoners Abroad is the only UK charity providing information, advice and support to Britons detained overseas, their family and friends, and to released prisoners trying to re-establish themselves in society.
Here is the article I wrote for the latest edition of their newsletter.


When I was in prison in America, Prisoners Abroad entered my short story “Amazing Grace” into the Koestler Awards. Then last summer when I was back in England, I received a phone call from their office in London congratulating me on winning a Koestler Award – the Hamish Hamilton prize for short stories. The award did much more than make my day, but I’ll get to that after I explain my situation.

I was a stockbroker gone wild in Arizona, arrested by SWAT as part of a series of dawn raids, and sentenced to 9 ½ years for money laundering and drug offences. Incarcerated in America, I started Jon’s Jail Journal, a blog that exposed human-rights violations at Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s Madison Street jail, and attracted international media attention after excerpts were published in The Guardian.

I emerged from prison hoping to make a career out of the writing skills I’d developed, but I didn’t have any resources or effective connections. For months, I struggled to find professional help and guidance, all to no avail. Then I won the Koestler prize, and things changed overnight. I got to read my story to an audience at the Royal Festival Hall, where I also told the people at Koestler about my need for outside help. They immediately had me apply for their mentor program.

Meeting my Koestler mentor, Sally Hinchcliffe, for the first time, I knew she was the kind of no-nonsense person I like to work with. I’ve now had three mentor sessions, and thanks to her constructive feedback, the standard of my prose is coming along. She’s helping me improve my book about my time in the jail, and showing me how to approach literary agents. Thanks to the Koestler mentor program, I expect to be a published author in the next year or so.

For ex-prisoners looking to make a career the arts, finding help, guidance and resources is almost impossible. Koestler is one of the rare organisations
helping ex prisoners pursue their career ambitions in the arts and to become productive members of society. I deeply appreciate Prisoners Abroad introducing me to Koestler, and Koestler helping me pursue a career as a writer.

Click here for the Prisoners Abroad newsletter.

Click here to read about Koestler’s mentoring for released prisoners.

Email comments and questions to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below. To post a comment if you do not have a Google/Blogger account, just select anonymous for your identity.

Shaun P. Attwood

Do Women Make Better Employees?

A theory I have been kind of developing or at least kicking around in my head is the theory that there is something fundamentally flawed about corporate America that basically undermines the long term ability of companies to not only be profitable, but also undermines their longevity and integrity. This flaw (or these flaws) come from the fact that the American population as a whole is more or less being corrupted and there is no longer any semblance of "doing the right thing," only "doing what's best for me."

Now, this is not to say the people have become immoral. I'm just saying their thinking has been corrupted much like a software code. And whereas in the past principle, honor, integrity and personal morality would self-govern individuals to "make the right choice" now it is self-preservation that determines what choices we make, even if it is the "wrong" choice.

Like I said, the theory is not solidified yet (and I would love your commentary to help me solidify it), but for example when I was a credit analyst at a bank, my job was to assess and measure the risk of the proposed loans. The "right" decision to make was to recommend these loans be turned down. It was moral. It was just. It would be in the long term interests of the bank. It was just the plain truth. However, there was an incredible amount of pressure for me to re-write these loans in an unrealistically better light. This would be the wrong choice.

Now, my personality being moral, honorable, ethical and right (fools call this "stubbornness") I made the "right choice" and resign my position. However, there were thousands of other credit and risk analysts who just capitulated under the pressure and made the "wrong choice" and kept their jobs. Now keep in mind, I'm not accusing them of immoral behavior. I'm just saying they probably had no choice. If you are a father of 3 or a mother with a child on the way, you cannot afford to all of the sudden become moral and put in peril your job and living. But regardless of the morality of the decision, it is here that the corruption creates that fundamental flaw that I theorize plagues most of corporate America.

In other words (or as in the words of my father) "it is better to be nice than right."

Now, this does not just apply in terms of banking and assessing the risk of loans. But because it is in the people's best long term interests to do what they're told and not necessarily what's right, corporations and employers of all stripes, if unwilling or incapable of listening to criticism, run the risk of having nobody to sound the alarms and act as if everything is hunky dory even though the ship is sinking.

Another perfect example would be the auto unions. I can only imagine my intellectually honest UAW worker equivalent saying, "hey, hey, hey. We're killing to goose that laid the golden egg here. We got to reign in health care compensation otherwise we'll ALL lose our jobs."

I'm sure he was shushed up real quick.

Regardless, the larger point is that corporate America, which is staffed and headed up by Americans, do not like conflict, they do not like challenge, they do not like bad news, no matter if that bad news is reality. And in sticking their fingers in their ears and singing Jimmy Cracks Corn and I Don't Care, or worse creating an environment where any kind of rocking the boat is punished, they then undermine, if not guarantee their demise.

Now, how does this relate to women making better employees? Naturally you have all seen the data showing that this recession is affecting men disproportionately more than women. Men face an 8.8% unemployment rate, while women only face a 7% unemployment rate.

And while they cite the reason for the gap is industries that employ more males have suffered the most during this recession (construction, finance, real estate), I cannot but help but wonder if at least some of that difference is because women make better employees.

Now understand, by saying "better employees" I mean "better soldiers." People who follow orders. People who don't give their commanding officer any guff. They do what they're told and that's it. And not that I have any empirical evidence of this, but I have heard enough stories from my female friends that suggests this may be the case. One female lawyer friend of mine works at a law firm where all the partners are males, but all the staff lawyers are females. She said "they tried to hire a male lawyer once, didn't work. Egos were clashing." She also mentioned how emotions can run high and it is not uncommon where the female lawyers end up crying. If it ever came to that point with a male lawyer, he would just quit or at least be less likely to tolerate that crap.

Another female friend of mine, god bless her soul, she's a moron. A complete ditz. However, she keeps getting promoted at work. Again, not because she comes up with new and great ideas, but because she is just a good soldier, a good cog (he grandfather also happened to have been one of the founding members of the company).

Regardless, there are more anecdotes, but in general men's tendency to be more aggressive, confrontational, and blunt make them worse employees, at least in the eyes of a corporation that wants compliance, conformance and obedience above profitability and morality. Additionally, corporations are moving away from the swashbuckling, Captain of Industry, Hank Rearden, Andrew Carnegie, Tony Stark, progress-at-the-speed-of-light industrialist and towards a more politically correct emasculated "good corporate citizen"/entity that is there to provide jobs for people and sell only green products. And if you're going to keep staff on during a massive recession and in this environment, you're probably going to keep the "yesmen/women" while you fire the firebrand males who (no matter how right) are rocking the boat and disturbing the corporate America serenity.

Ergo, why unemployment for men is higher than women today.

Thoughts? Observations?

For the RSS People

I will be making about 20 or so posts that are nothing more than links to my online classes but have titles that are related to the classes that are commonly searched. My apologies if you get too many posts but you can disregard them, unless of course you were interested in taking one of my classes.

Step Aside Baby Boomers

I had many conversations like this (though not as arrogant) with my baby boomer bosses.

Technology seems to elude them.

How the Captain Would Run a Business

And I would require those outfits as well...which is why I would get hit with a lot of sexual harassment suits...which is why I will just plain not hire anybody and be the lone independent contractor no matter how much more money I could potentially make if I did set up an actual business.

The Captain Will Broadcast Tonight

Greetings all cappy cap readers.

I will be a guest panelist on Radio Free Nation tonight at 730PM.

Feel free to tune in and give the ol' Cap a call!

Chris Coleman is Hugo Chavez

It's Friday night, but when you are self-employed, every night is Friday night. And it is late. However, I've been meaning to write about this so it will be a quick, half-inebriated post, which I've found actually make for better posts.

Chris Coleman is the mayor of St. Paul. And yes he's a liberal and yes the council is a bunch of worthless community organizers, and yes, I don't bother reading the local paper because, well, papers are pointless to read. However a friend of mine brought in the Pioneer Depressed and I saw this;




Now here are my quick drunken points, which would still outdo any leftist in that they're based in reality, no matter how doused with scotch they may be;

1. "Responsible" private investment means that Coleman wants to attach so many strings to that "private" money that it is not really private. You see "private" means it's up to that private individual to do what s/he wants with it. But when you attach strings by making it "responsible" (and by responsible, we don't mean "responsible" in the classical English sense, we mean in what Chris Coleman cares to define responsible which I'm going to crazily guess here and means it achieves a leftist or politically advantageous purpose) you essentially make that private money "quasi-private" as you more or less start to dictate what can be done with it. So it really won't be private money, but besides which, you won't really ever get any money into the city anyway because when you put the adjective "responsible" in your quote, well you've just driven off any real investor with half a brain and real money.

2. "Adds value to our neighborhoods." Again, the money is not enough. Oh, I know, one would think "well wouldn't the money going in to the neighborhood immediately benefit it? You know, like driving home values up and so forth?" Ah, but that is the key string. You see, if any of you dumbass investors with money want the "honor" and "privilege" to invest in the sh!thole...err...I'm sorry, "cosmopolitan metro area" that is known as St. Paul, it must also benefit the voters of Chris Coleman to keep him employed...errr....I mean...."to benefit the neighborhood." But of course, again, any investor with half a brain cell still functioning will not invest in St. Paul, and thus, all Chris Coleman has really managed to do is scare away ANY hope of bringing ANY REAL help in bringing investors into St. Paul.

Ergo, if you think about it, Chris Coleman is just like Hugo Chavez. Chavez, if you haven't noticed is playing the same game with the oil companies, timber companies and other industries in Venezuela. Oh, his piece of crap third world country would love foreign investors to come in an invest, but when they do, he has this nasty habit of nationalizing their subsidiaries, if not attaching so many strings that most companies will never ever set foot inside Venezuela again.

And this gets to a very important lesson for all leftists to learn, assuming you have not been driven off by my cynical tone already.

If you want to bring investors into your little realm, then you must not tax them, not apply regulations, not apply all these little "wish lists" or bark all these orders. You must realize you are the beggar asking for money. And if you are so inconceivably stupid (which I know a lot of you are) to start demanding worthless and utterly pointless things like "green construction" or "committing a percent of pretax profits to non-profits/community programs" or, heck, just an insane level of property taxes, guess what, your "private investors" are going to be as real as one of your other pet projects;

Social security.

Of course, don't listen to me. I just plain don't know what I'm talking about.

The Woo Girls Must Die

Just wanted to point it out, make sure we have a record of it here.

Yeah, those girls, at clubs, or at bachelorette parties or, well anywhere. The ones that yell out

"WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

And your entire nervous system starts to explode from the sheer shrieking and childishness of it?

Yeah, they have to die.

Just wanted to make sure we're all on the same page here.

The Captain Will Write a Second Book

Fellow junior, deputy, aspiring, official or otherwise economists,

Though I did not make the millions I had hoped for writing "Behind the Housing Crash" and was originally of the opinion I would not write another book again, several readers came to the same conclusion after I made this post about the advice I would like to give to younger men as it came to dealing with women in their teens and twenties. And that conclusion was not only that I should "write another book" but if that book were about the absolutely insane dating experiences I've had, they would buy it in a heart beat. Of course, three or four people recommending I do such a thing, does not a market for a book make, however, a friend had the observation that "given how much you write, if you just wrote one chapter per week, in a year you would have a book, without any additional work."

And that is what piqued my interest.

Ergo, every Friday (or hopefully every Friday) the Captain shall have "Date from Hell Day" wherein he'll regale you with with a horror tale of his previous courting experiences, laden of course with his wry, cynical, but above all, amazingly accurate analysis.

Understand I still have yet to put together the theme or the overall layout of the book, so it may be a bit slow going at first, but since my hits all seem to go up when I write about gossip and dirt, and go up maybe a slight 2% when I write genius economic commentary that would save the US economy trillions of dollars, I, being a true capitalist am only left to obey the free market.

Communists vs. Capitalists

Producers vs. Parasites

Children vs. Adults

That's all this poll will show you. That and just how divided the country is.

Rich, Spoiled Brat Baby Boomers With Too Much Time and Daddy's Money On Their Hands

I love the part about Seagram's daddy's girl bailing him out.

These children are now heading up the country.

When Will the Housing Market Recover?

Here's an estimate;



I told you Minnesota was in bad shape. I know we're fly over country, but the bankers here were even more inconceivably stupid than the ones in New York.

23 Apr 09

Prisoner Updates

Jose in San Diego wrote: I wanted to ask you what happened to a few people we were introduced to over the years. What became of “Weird Al”? Any word on “Ogre?” There was an incident in the kitchen with a fellow by the name of “Magpie” a couple years ago. He had money, but believed he could not function on his own outside. Any word on him? What about that fella “Lurch”? And "Iron Man" as well. I hope most of them are ok. Just a quick synopsis of their current standing will suffice.


Ogre – In early 2008, Ogre was shipped to California to serve a sentence there. Two Tonys put it like this: “Ogre got out. Fuck him.”

Two Tonys – I haven’t heard from him in over a month. I’ve been worrying about him. Just last week, I dreamt I was in prison chatting with him, and he assured me he was in good health.
Just received this update on Two Tonys from his daughter: Two Tonys is doing good, so he says on the phone. My husband was in Tucson last weekend and they had a nice visit. He is really skinny, but otherwise seems to be feeling OK. He calls every week. That's so weird about your dream because he seems to be doing alright.

Iron Man – He is fast approaching his release date of 02/17/2010. He is working out fanatically, and staying positive as expressed in his most recent letter.

Magpie – He left Arizona after serving over thirty years, and no one has heard from him since.

Bones – This member of the South Side Posse Blood gang has five more years to serve for violent crimes. He is working as a barber for 35 cents an hour.

Bald Headed Fred – BHF has three years to serve for home invasions, assaults and kidnappings. He works in the inmate store for 50 cents an hour, and was ticketed for disorderly conduct in March.

Lurch – I wrote to Lurch but never received anything back. He has difficulty reading and writing.
Just received this update on Lurch from Weird Al: Lurch was involved, and charged with the murder of another inmate. He turned "states evidence" and testified against the others who were involved and was shipped out of state as a reward.

Max – He is still in Las Vegas. The economic downturn affected his job, and he has started his own business.

Savage (C Ducc) – This member of the Crips has four more years to serve. He has been assigned to a work crew, earning 20 cents an hour.

Xena – I suspect Xena is suffering from depression, and that’s why she doesn’t write often. She is working as an education aide for 30 cents an hour.
One of Xena's friends recently sent me his story. Dubbed by the media as "Smiling John," he is a murderer who was on America's Most Wanted. The story is a long one, and I hope to post it in the next few months. All I'll say is, it's quite unlike anything I've ever posted here before. Click here for a taste of Smiling John’s story.

Junior Bull – The son of “Sammy the Bull” Gravano was finally moved out of the state system to a federal prison.

Royo Girl – She recently broke her foot during a drunken wrestling match with her roommate. She knows I am dating Kathi, and she is dating a military man. She still intends to do a masters in criminology in Australia.

Slingblade – There is still no one helping this mentally-ill Vietnam vet effect his release. He is stuck inside, and according to the inmates, his mental condition is such, he’s beyond caring. He is a rec-field worker, earning 25 cents an hour.

Weird Al – He is on parole in Tucson. He has renamed himself Sorta Normal Al, and started his own blog, Pea Brain Speaks, which you can read by clicking here.

Here’s an excerpt from a recent email he sent me.
“You know, I got up this morning and it suddenly hit me how nice it was not to be in prison. I no longer have to wait for my door to be popped open in the morning to go outside. Being a Pea Brain, it sometimes takes me while to catch on. I'm going to try and spend the day being a little more grateful for what I have. Tomorrow I'll go back to being the greedy bastard I truly am. Hope all is well with you and yours today. Have some fun. I'm off to my gym to be punished by my personal trainer from hell. See Ya.”


If you have any further questions about these or any of our other friends inside, please post them as a comment, and I'll do my best to answer them here.

Email comments and questions to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below. To post a comment if you do not have a Google/Blogger account, just select anonymous for your identity.

Shaun P. Attwood

Another Reason Not to Buy The Economist

From Mr. Trum.

Apparently The "Economist" forgot to do what even the most basic, simple-minded rookie economists; adjust for inflation.



Jesus

H

Christ.

How can a publication called "The (freaking) ECONOMIST" NOT ADJUST FOR INFLATION????

What a worthless publication that has become.

Anti Earth Day

Remember kids, today is Anti-Earth Day. Remember to smoke and drink and burn stuff and have fun and enjoy life and in general do what would piss off leftists.

Your captain would like to take his motorcycle out today and run his errands, but you see since there are a bunch of brainwashed, self-righteous brats out there who instead of doing real work will apply value to themselves by really doing nothing, but claiming "they're helping save the Earth." Thus the Captain is compelled to undo all their "hard work" in saving the planet by polluting more than they save. Ergo, instead of taking out his motorcycle that gets 65 MPG he's going to take his 8 cylinder Chevy that gets 16 MPG and drive it all over tarnation.

And did the Captain fail to burn all that painted wood he had before? Well a pointless bonfire will be called for (of course while I'm smoking a cigar. Might have two cigars today because nothing pisses off a leftist when you do something you like to do with your own money and your own life that they don't approve of.)

In any case, make sure you do these things because it's not that we're against recycling. We're not against people wanting to go green. It's the sanctimonious, judgmental bordering on "nazi-ordering you to do so" attitude of the hypocrites this of this society who like to bark orders at other people that need to be slapped in the face and told "oh yeah? YOU'RE going to "save" the planet?"

Not if we have anything to do about it.

America's Collapse Causing Depression in Males

I often sign off with my signature "enjoy the decline."

The purpose of the sign-off is to emphasize that the decline of America is really unstoppable and that you might as well enjoy the decline while you're here on Earth. Don't produce anything, don't work hard, just live off of the carcass that is the US, and yes, you must take that mentality because it's reality.

For example I refuse to make more than $30,000 a year (if i can help it) and ensure that I take at least one month of vacation in a remote destination with 3 weekend vacations a year to split up the horrible Minnesota winters. Why do I refuse to do this? Because life is short and any money that I make beyond a certain point is taxed into oblivion and all I end up doing is becoming a host to the economic parasites of this formerly great nation. Additionally, it ain't like there's a lot of jobs out there anyway. Regardless, since I will die inevitably, I am packing in as much fun as I possibly can and avoiding working as much as possible.

Of course there is a drawback to this approach - it's anti-male.

Not "excelling" or "doing your best" and just "loafing off" is quite literally against the psychological hard-wiring men have. To sit and do nothing, to NOT have a career, to not (over the long run) advance and progress is the single worst thing for a man's psychology. It will ruin a man, at least a man with morals. And to tell men to just simply "enjoy the decline" EVEN THOUGH THAT IS THE ONLY OPTION THEY REALLY HAVE, still sometimes doesn't work.

How do I know this?

I am a male.

I am the creator of "enjoy the decline."

And even though I am fully aware that there is nothing that can be done, and was at the forefront of realizing this epiphany, I still suffer the same fate as my good friend Save Capitalism, I suffer the occasional bout of depression.

Now as he writes, he is not trying to beleaguer you guys with his problems, and neither am I. However, he does bring up a good point and I wish to amplify it. The collapse of the world's formerly greatest nation will and already is having a negative and disproportionate effect on men. It's one of the rare statements and claims I'll make WITHOUT researching for hard data to prove it and will solely rely on anecdotal evidence. The collapse of the US is foisting depression on men.

Craig, a good buddy of mine, was formerly the most driven, hard working entrepreneur you'd ever meet. Now, with the economy more or less destroying his business, and no hope in sight, he's depressed, he's sad, he no longer cares to try anymore and he asks me "why the hell did I bust my ass off." He's now thinking about driving truck out in the Williston oil fields (until of course environmentalists protest and lobby) and I'm half tempted to join him. He feels guilt for not being able to provide for his wife as much as he'd like.

Another buddy of mine, Richard, has the natural spirit of an entreprenuer, but every venture he tries never grows sprouts. Not because of the lack demand or lack of brilliance, but because of a lack of disposable income on the part of would be customers. Any ideas he has at his current place of employment are quickly disregarded on account he is a mere 27 years old, and thus he is relegated to stagnation. He is arguably just as knowledgeable on economics as I am, and KNOWS he has to enjoy the decline, but in the end whenst we share cigars there's still the lack of hope and spirit there might be a future.

Dave, a friend of mine in Chicago got his MBA AND LAW DEGREE has not the connections or ass kissing skills to find stable employment in Chicago. He only stays alive to "observe what's going to happen" because he's got nothing else to do and has taken a truly macabre approach to life.

There's of course me, your beloved Captain. I KNOW you have to enjoy the decline. I am intricately familiar with how hopeless and powerless individuals are against the ignorance and spoiledrottenbratedness of the masses of "Americans" if you can even call them that. I KNOW to forfeit labor for leisure and I KNOW I have no choice. BUt sure enough, I listen to some Rush Limbaugh or Joe Soucheray and before you know it I'm at the liquor store buying bottle of Rumpleminze. I get angry. I get pissed. I get enraged. I get near a debilitating level of depression. I force myself to run. I force myself to work out. But it only helps temporarily as the endorphins wear off from a 7 mile run in about 2 hours. In the end I buy a bottle of booze to put my brain out of its misery from running every possible economic scenario in its head, all of which end in demise. Perhaps buying booze and getting drunk is "enjoying the decline," but it's nothing more than an escape and a lot of nights the only way to force myself to sleep.

The larger point is that no matter how much a man "conscientiously" knows what the reality of the situation is and how hopeless it is, he is hard-wired to care regardless about his and his loved-ones' futures. He is wired to care about the future of his country, especially if it is a good one. He cares about reality and justice prevailing. And above all else, a man cannot help but be depressed when he sees greatness destroyed by parasites and ignorant spoiled children for what essentially ends up being "no damn good reason at all." And this creates a problem.

Suicide is up. Alcohol consumption is up. And more men will be killing themselves in the future as they can no longer reconcile an "Enjoy the Decline" philosophy with their male hard-wiring to care (and I don't know this for a fact, I'm guessing, so prove me wrong). But where this is particularly going to affect America and makes this a particularly disturbing trend is that it won't be the degenerate males that are offing themselves.

It won't be the druggie, hippie, OD-ing types like Kirk Cocaine or Jim Moronson or Janis Joplin and other degenerates of society. It's going to be John Jones, engineer who can't find a job. Bob Bobson, computer programmer who can't find a job. Steve Stevenson, mechanical engineer who lost his job, couldn't find another one, couldn't support his family, and got divorced. Philbert Philbertson who is too young to receive a SS check, but never had the economic opportunity to earn enough for retirement. Craig Craigson, entreprenuer, who in any other economic times would have founded a successful company that employed Bob, Steve and John. It will be the productive males that made American what it was (and would have continued to maintain America as it was meant to be) that will be no longer participating. It will be the sole solution to America's economic problems that are either offing themselves or are depressed to the point of paralysis and indifference, rendering them an ineffective force and denying America any genuine hope of a future.

Now a lot of people will immediately dismiss my premise that these "stupid males" are somehow the backbone of the country and how dare you dismiss the contributions of women and blah blah blah. You will also notice how they will completely ignore my pointing out there will soon be a "crisis" of male suicide in the US (certainly a "crisis" by the standards people on the left use to define minor problems in society as a "crisis"). But this post is not for them. It's for the dwindling population of genuine, old school American men who, like Save Capitalism, like Craig, like Richard, and even like myself, have a hard time "enjoying the decline." So permit me some wisdom that will hopefully bring some solace to your lives.

First let me point out and reiterate that one of the most important things you can do to achieve a happy life is realize what you do and do not control. It is simple logic that you should not get excited, let alone spend one single calorie of energy "worrying" about things that you cannot control.

Can you overcome millions of idiotic youth brainwashed to vote for socialism? No.

Can you overcome millions of desperate women who vote for a president based on his "pecks?" No.

Can you overcome the trillions of words of indoctrination women receive from "women's magazines" or "Oprah" or prime time TV or EPL crap? No.

Can you overcome the millions of men who forewent their manly calling and instead became Prius driving white knights and are more than willing to sell out men as a whole to get the attention of women? No.

Can you overcome the incomprehensible level of ignorance the average American has when it comes to economics, and quite frankly, doesn't know the difference between a million, a billion and a trillion and are thusly COMPLETELY unaware of the severity of the financial crisis? No.

The ONLY thing you end up doing is wear yourself out and shorten your life expectancy.

So let go of what you can't control and instead of listening to Rush Limbaugh, turn on the jazz station and pour yourself a Rumpleminze.

Second, life, no matter how bad or at a disadvantage you may be, is still life. What else are you going to do? Like my friend Dave, a bad life is much like a bad movie. So, what? Your only other option is to watching NOTHING. "Blackness" to quote Robert Downey Jr. Additionally, if it gets so bad to the point suicide is the answer, then you have what I like to call "God Freedom." "God Freedom" meaning that if you really don't care if you live or not, act like God. Rob a bank. Go sky diving. Borrow as much money as you can from a bank and blow it all on Vegas or whatever you want with no intention of paying it back. Complete a bucket list before you kick off.

Third, no guilt. No matter what no guilt. Along with kicking around the idea of writing a book titled, "Enjoy the Decline," I want to write a post about how, with the government now accounting for 40% of GDP, that it is PERFECTLY fine to accept government handouts and live off the dole. It is more or less impossible now to completely support yourself 100% and be a real man. I have to this day done so and in my youth used to think it was a shame to accept government money. Nowadays you are insane if you think you can get by without government money. Let go and relax and enjoy some of the socialism forced upon you by the idiots of society. You again really have no choice.

Fourth, understand the type of men like you and me are the ones who are biologically, Darwinistically and genetically suited to survive. We are minimalists. We can get by with crappy cars, crappy clothes, and some bare level of food and water. Have you seen our adversaries?

They cannot live without a;

McMansion
Sugar Daddy bank account
Food stamps
Government housing
Welfare
Daddy's credit card
Medicaid
Medicare

and a whole litany of other income transfers.

Can you imagine your typical American suburbanite princess wife surviving if the scheit hits the fan and her spending account dries up?

Can you imagine the ghettos of society without their monthly welfare checks coming in?

Can you imagine the spoiled brat liberal arts students-come-law-students-come-professional protestor trying to survive if electricity is shut off?

It may not be a wonderful society...matter of fact society will have collapsed if there's no electricity, but who do you think is going to be in charge? Tanner McEffeminite-Hyphennamed kid and his sociology degree? Bob McBobson collecting his welfare check and never bothered to learn a useful skill living in government housing? Or those "stupid" "minimalist" males who bought guns and ammo and know how to field dress a deer and know how to repair cars and build structures and run plumbing?

Understand, that if the WORST case scenario comes about, then WE are the ones who are going to do best because we can at least deal with it and don't need a McMansion con Lexus or government subsidized living.

Fifth,and this is the hardest part, you need to train your brain to accept 1-4. This is hard because I'm now asking you to go against your hard-wiring. Millions of years of evolution and genetics have programmed you BEYOND conscientious thought to react a certain way. Hormones and chemicals are released into your brain no matter how much FACT your brain knows and WILL make you feel a certain way. But there is hope.

If you're like me and millions of other men in the manosphere, or just plain society, you've overcome something more powerful than having a psychological or genetically embedded interest in the advancement of society. You've overcome something more powerful and more visceral to your genetic code than your "man code" of self-supportation, independence and freedom. You've overcome your natural, Darwinistic desire for women.

Not that you've abandoned women or sex. Heavens no! We still love women and sex. You were just able to not have it ruin or rule your life like you did when you were 18. At the age of 18 you were, like all of us, a slobbering...well...slob-beast, trying your darndest (even though you had NO CLUE HOW) to attract members of the opposite sex. You were lost, you were clueless, you were above all else miserable. Of course overtime you started realizing that no matter how much effort you put into the system, it didn't increase your chances. Matter of fact, you probably realized the LESS you tried, the BETTER you did (thus the element of "game" which is a whole other matter). Additionally, the epiphanal realization that you are finite and are going to die, put more value on for-sure things like video games and buds. In short, you were able to temper your natural Darwinistic desires for the em-betterment of yourself. And just like you were able to temper your natural Darwinistic desires for women, you must also temper your natural Darwinistic desires for a successful society.

Of course the natural follow up question would be;

"OK, so what do we have to live for? We don't have a progressing, advancing economy, women we have abandoned, I can't find a job, I have no career, there's no hope whatsoever in the future, what is left?"

And the answer is simply, "How about yourself?"

It's greedy.

It's self-serving.

It's anti-male.

But you have no choice. And I want you to incorporate that into your thinking.

YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.

So you might as well relax, pour yourself a bottle of Rumpleminze. Get a motorcycle. Buy that video game you wanted. Order the lobster. Screw your 401k (it's just going to be confiscated anyway), don't invest in any property or any fixed asset that ties you down, date a ton of different women and above all else

enjoy

the

decline.

"This post brought to you by Rumpleminze! Yes, Rumpleminze! Life got you down? Surrounded by socialist idiots? Desperately wish to beat the skulls of spoiled brat Americans who find it fashionable to slander and criminalize our formerly great nation and destroy any hopes of an economic future? Destroy your worries with a stiff belt of Rumpleminze!

Yes Rumpleminze is the choice of drink for all dwindling and remaining genuine real American men who still believe in independence, self-reliance and just plain refusing to let the government become the father figure of society. But since you don't control that and most people will call you a misogynist for daring to suggest men might have some "role" to play in society, why not drink your problems away with Rumpleminze!?

Yes that cool soothing minty freshness will assuage your fears and concerns and help you say, "I just don't plain give a frick anymore!" as it heavily coats your worn out throat from yelling at leftists "YOU MORONS! WHY ARE YOU DESTROYING THE COUNTRY???"

There is no better reward for an idealistic, patriotic manly man than Rumpleminze!

A gift from the heavens....manufactured in Canada.

RUMPLEMINZE!

(post script - I would appreciate any advice about writing a more thorough book about "Enjoying the Decline." Books take a lot of effort and time, but am currently kicking around writing a book as such. Any advice/commentary would be appreciated).

You Can't Tax Free Time

Let me tell you about my buddy John.

John is a bachelor. He majored in electrical engineering many years ago, works part time with his father on this father son business they put together. He bought his first house about 20 years ago, paid it off in 7 years by living frugally and ever since then has continued to live frugally his entire life. Over the past 20 years he has ebbed and flowed between regular day time work and working on his business with his dad as it suits him, for he does not really need that much money to live. However, he did a 7 year stint at one place which brought in an inordinate amount of money (he was paid $150 for 1/2 an hour of work) to the point he could pay CASH for two rental properties, which now today he collects rental income from.

Now the man majored in the right field and combined with his experience he can make bookoo coin if he so desired. If we were paid $300 per hour I'm sure we would too. But when he is offered a job or a position at one company or another he simply turns them down because of one reason and one reason only;

"The taxes aren't worth it."

Now this is an important point to understand in that it will explain why not only none of us will be collecting social security, but why this stimulus will utterly fail, just like the new deal.

First off, yes, John makes enough money to live. However, he is not "living the high life" as some would think. The man has enough residual income from his investments to make a decent living. Yes, he COULD go and work more and make nearly $500,000 per year, but he had an observation that should be taken to heart by all people;

"Why would I waste my time working more in life when not only is my life finite, but any additional work I do at this point will be taxed at 60%? Obama can tax my income, you can't tax my free time."

Understand that there comes the point in a person's life that they realize all they have on this planet that is of any worth is their time. And while money is nice, certainly vital, it is not so up to a certain point. There will come a level of income where one does not need to earn more to survive. Oh sure they may like to have some luxuries, but even then, there will come a point in time where one makes enough money to survive. Now if any level of production beyond that is taxed at such a high rate all one does in working that extra bit is essentially commit themselves to slavery, then why on God's green earth would people do such a thing? Additionally, why would "rich" people who are presumably already at that level of income go beyond the call of duty and work more? Take the logic an additional step further and factor in the fact that if people realize time is the only real thing of value they have (which I think with Obama, more and more people will), they will be reluctant to give that valuable resource up so easily. Ergo one can expect practically NO ONE who values their own life and time would be altruistic enough to work more at a 60% tax rate to support the parasites...errr....I mean the losers....ummm....err...I mean....Obama socialists....umm....errr....I mean "less fortunate" masses of the nation.

Now, this bodes ill for Obama's plans because since it's those "evil rich" people who pay the majority of the taxes. And with tax rates going up for the most productive members of our nation, why are they all of the sudden going to apply less value to their time and start slaving away, working as much as they did before to basically pay for a bunch of losers who can't (or better said, WON'T) support themselves? It's quite simple, they'll become like John, they won't. They will realize, like he did, "You can't tax free time, and free time is all one has on this planet."

Worse still, from a budgetary standpoint, is all this promised future spending. Precisely how do you expect to pay for all of this when you have deterred and disincentived all the productive members of society from producing the profits and revenues necessary to be taxed to raise the taxes needed to pay for the bribe money to vote for the democrats through "social programs"....errr....I mean...uhhh...how are you going to raise tax revenues when the tax rate has shrunk the tax base to near nothing? Is your mommy going to pay for it like she did your Harvard degree? Promise $10 trillion in stimulus via taxing "rich people" at a 75% tax rate. 75% of nothing is still nothing (study the Laffer Curve you morons). The simple truth of the matter is you won't. All Obama has done is shoot himself in the foot by penalizing the most productive members of society to the point they've become like John and realized sleeping in and drinking coffee with his friends and working the occasional 3 hours per week with his dad is infinitely more valuable than waking up at 6 AM to suffer a 1 hour commute to slave away for some asshole boss for 8 hours while you suffer a 2 hour commute back, while 60% of all the income generated from this hellish experience goes to pay for the Peggy Josephs of the world to live. The hosts of this nation (the John's) will simply not work denying the parasites of this world (the Peggy's) their bribe money from the socialist party.

Because after all, you can't tax free time.

And that my capitalist, self-respecting, freedom loving friends is about the only thing you can do right now when the majority of the populous is having "Obasms."

Don't work unless you have to.

Go to school.

Stay at home.

Write a book.

Play some video games.

Cut your spending.

If you can get by on a minimal level of income or work, the by God do it.

Because if you go that extra mile and are taxed at 65%, then all you really are doing is committing yourself to being a slave.

And you know something, life is just too damn short to be somebody's bitch.

On a related note.

Now If the Rest of You Bankers Scumbuckets Would Kindly Follow Suit

I'm glad he's dead and I wish for many suicides more.

And no, that's not "harsh." It's called self-respect and being sane.

The Israel Market Place

I don't know why I haven't posted or linked to this guy before, I interviewed him when I had my radio show long ago, but he runs a good Israeli shop on the internet and like all of us in the internet world we are dependent for our living on making sales.

So if you ever have a hankering for something Israeli (trips, goods, food, etc) visit The Israel Market Place. I kind of looked around and he DOES have A LOT of stuff.

Support Israel.

Piss of leftists and nazi's.

Go to The Israel Market Place!

21 Apr 09

Guest Writer: Lifer David – Cretins in the Closet

Serving life in prison in Texas, David is the author of the blog Prison Proxy. This is his second guest post for Jon’s Jail Journal, and he once again focuses on the subject of prisoners performing acts of exhibitionist masturbation. He also responds to your previous comments at the end of this blog.

One of my former cellmates has hygienic and masturbatory issues. He got in school several months ago to take GED classes, and the other day, he got locked up (in the jail within this prison) for masturbating in front of one of the counselors.

When inmates do that in front of guards, it’s a quasi-serious case that can either go major or minor in terms of disciplinary sanctions. But when a “free-world” person is involved (in prison, there are three existential tiers of people: free-world people, officers and rank, and inmates), the offending inmate goes to jail and the case goes major.

Of course, handling the issue with the seriousness it deserves is right and proper. The masturbation problem is, to my knowledge, predominantly in prison culture. As young teens, it was a grossly embarrassing subject, and as adults it’s at the very least a pretty private one. Yet, here in prison, it somehow morphs into an honorable thing, for the vast majority, especially when exhibited to women!

So, it’s no surprise that free-world women who come to the school here to teach (and are more desperately needed than I can convey) will find masturbating cretins lurking in broom closets. Ironically, the only cure to this cultural problem is in more teaching!

Just last night, the female correctional officer on our wing was under a barrage of exhibitionist attacks. “Put it up!”, “I’m writing cases!”, “I don’t want to see you doing that!”, she kept pleading. Once, she even said, “Put your hands up!”

Put your hands up? That would be comical if weren’t actually happening! I mean, imagine some little doubled over devil who, locked in a vice of ignorance as he is, has hands with minds of their own, and simply won’t stop that juvenile jitterbug! Put your hands up (you dirty rascal), I suppose is a logical retort.

When she arrived at my cell, my cellie and I had our ID cards ready for her perusal (it was her duty to check them). Shockingly sweet (given all the screaming she’d just done), she simply said, “Thank you” and checked the cards. And with a smile, happy as she was to have a respite from the storm, even if it was merely the eye of the hurricane, she said, “Bless you.”

And with that, I immediately went to sleep. Just another day at the office.


Lifer David responds to your comments:

Responding to your comments about my Justice League of America post and your problem with my use of the term rape, you guys are correct. I, due to forgoing looking up the word intercourse, wasn’t aware that it necessitates physical contact. Hence “sight rape” is a contradiction in terms. My apologies.

Of course, actual rape is most often the logical end of such unabashed flagrant sexual harassment, and my awareness of this fact colored the rest of my argument.

That said, responding to anonymous “spin” is the last thing I want to do in any of my posts. And everything in existence either promotes life or death, to vastly varying degrees. Some rap music, due to the poisonous metaphysical views contained therein, does “kill” its listeners everyday. When I was but a wee impressionable lad of 16, I started using prescription drugs because my favorite rap artists validated said activity as “cool.” Did these pills not kill me daily?

Moreover, the Justice League of America is cheating the nurse out of the respect she deserves, and poisoning their own consciousnesses by acting grotesquely, and without integrity, intelligence, and honor! There’s no spin to that, buddy, as reality will so judge.

Thanks again for your comments!

Click here to read more from David at his blog Prison Proxy.

Our friends inside appreciate your comments.

Email comments and questions for Lifer David to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below. To post a comment if you do not have a Google/Blogger account, just select anonymous for your identity.

Shaun P. Attwood

Entrant #12 - Captain Capitalism's 2009 Annual Chart Contest

From Beancounter. He wanted to see if the "Evil" Bush Tax Cuts disproportionately benefited the rich not only in nominal terms, but percentage terms (because the left as you all know will pick which ever one shows the rich benefiting the most regardless of the intellectual veracity of the measure in that they know their constituents are too damn stupid to know the difference, let alone have the intellectual honesty to care);



It seems the "rich" didn't do as well as the "poor" no matter how you slice it with the Bush tax cut.

Of course, that is water under the bridge, I'm just posting it for posterity folks.

Manly Men

Imagine if it was the other way around. Running and complaining to the government. Accusation of systematic sexism. More demand for affirmative action to close the "unemployment gap."

I do genuinely believe that men will find a bit of relaxation and comfort in being unemployment. They will, as I have, realized that you don't need that much to live on, and why work harder for it if it's only going to be taxed or taken away. Not to mention and to quote Steve Martin from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels;

"We're the weaker sex! We die from more heart attacks. More strokes. More prostate cancer. I say it's time for a change! I say let them take care of us for a while!"

How the Youth Shot Itself In the Foot

I love short pieces like this.

But i LOOOOOVE it even more when English majors get hit upside the head.

I can see it now. An advertisement for majoring in English.

"Hey kids! Tired of trying and having to do all that stupid math?

Want something that is easy to major in and won't require one single calorie of energy to "earn" your degree in?

Or do you just plain want to admit right up front and announce to the world "hey, I'm too lazy to do any real work and want rest of you to take care of me, but I want to still feel like I'm doing something so I can claim I'm independent and trick myself into not feeling bad about my parasitic existence?"

Then major in ENGLISH!

Yes, English is the language you're all familiar with because, well, it's the freaking national language and you've been speaking it since you were 2.

We don't know why universities offer program, let alone graduate programs in the language, but if you plain have no temerity or work ethic in you, piss away 4, 6 or 8 years of your life (and your, your parents' and the taxpayers' money) studying ENGLISH!

Benefits include;

• Looking for work
• Learning nothing new but socialist and communist philosophy posing as an English degree
• How to indoctrinate children so they too can become the future English majors of America
• Working for a non-profit or the public sector in some make-work job so you can feel good about yourself
• Asking yourself at the age of 23 why you can't find a job
• Voting democrat/socialist your entire life so other people's money can be confiscated to make a job for you
  

Don't be one of those "squares" majoring in electrical engineering or computer science who invariably produce everything in the economy and support themselves. And certainly don't become a tradesman with all their "stupid" ability to "fix cars" and "build houses" and "repair plumbing."

No, become the pinnacle of economic deadweight!

MAJOR IN ENGLISH!!!"

Enjoy the decline, kiddies! You've earned it!

Ian Vaughan Runs for Office

I am not a Canadian, thus this will be viewed as "evil foreign influences and interests," but since I have significant Canadian readership I will be endorsing Ian Vaughan.

You will endorse Ian Vaughan.

Fox, CBS, NBC, ABC

Anybody see the trend?

Bueller?

Bueller?

18 Apr 09

From Frankie (Letter 12)

Frankie - A Mexican Mafia hitman and leader of prison "booty bandits" who has been proposing our gay marriage ever since he saw me rubbing antifungal ointment on the bedsores on my buttocks at the Madison Street jail. He was there on murder charges he subsequently beat.

April 5-09

Englandman,

What’s up fool?

Let’s get something straight. I’m the man in this relationship, and I’ll deee-cide! You’ve got your freedom and you want to wear the pants, it doesn’t work like that, my friend.

What happened with me? I lost your mom’s address, so I’ve been waiting on you to write, and it took long enough.

Anyway, where should I start? I don’t know if you heard, but come September, D.O.C in Arizona is releasing 9000 inmates, felony class 6, 5, 4, & 3’s drug offences, cuz AZ ain’t got the money to take care of us. I fit that law.

As for any adventures here in Buckeye prison, I honestly gave them cheetos [transsexuals] up. I’ve been going to school for my G.E.D.. I’m write-up free for 2 ½ years. My P.I. score [Public Institutional score] is 25-21. That’s the lowest I’ve ever been. I’ll be going back to Tucson prison really soon, in the next month or two.
I want to see Two Tonys before he dies. I’m going to give him a message to take with him to the grave.

Well, last week I came real close to getting into trouble. I’m walking the yard with a friend, and a fuckin cheeto, a black one, said something disrespectful.
I kept walking, but what I heard kept messing with me, so I told my friend, “You heard what that cheeto just said?”
He said, “Yeah, but he wasn’t talking to us.”
I said, “But he was talking about Mexicans,” and right there and then I decided to go and check this cheeto. So I go back where the cheeto’s at and I tell him, “If I hear that type of shit come out of your mouth again, I’m gonna bust it.”
And the queer said, “I don’t think so.” (No disrespect to all you queers out there, but some of you guys are full of shit. Ha ha!)
So I go to hit him in his mouth, but he jumps like a cat and throws a girl punch, and hits me in my arm, and takes off running to where the guards can see.
The next thing I see all my homies right there, and I tell them, “Bring the queer where the guard can’t see. I’m fuckin this boy off!”
My homies tell me, “This cheeto ain’t worth the trouble. He will tell on you. Better yet, right now, when we get back, we will send someone in his room to fuck him up.”
So I left it alone, and before we went in from rec, the cheeto comes and apologizes, and I felt sorry for him, and didn’t smash him, only cuz it was none of my business what he was talking about, and I felt I was in the wrong, so I accepted his apology, and he ain’t been to rec ever since.

Oh, you need to find me an I.D. card or a passport with someone that looks like me, cuz it’s not much longer and I’ll be walking out of these gates, and coming to England to show you who’s wearing the pants in our relationship.

Oh! Tell Kathi to find me a lady friend who’ll write to me.

I’m going to close for now. Tell Two Tonys I send my love and regards, and that I’ll be seeing him soon, and if he’s suffering, I’m going to help him leave this place.

Much Love & Respect,

Frankie

Click here for Frankie’s previous letter.

Our friends inside appreciate your comments.

Email comments or questions for Frankie to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below. To post a comment if you do not have a Google/Blogger account, just select anonymous for your identity.

Shaun P. Attwood

Entrant 11 - Captain Capitalism's 2009 Annual Chart Competition

From Kristopher;

Holy "It' Sucks to Be Michigan and California Batman!"

Two states I will never, ever live in, let alone visit.

California and Michigan.

Bleagh!

Advice for My Younger Cappy Cap Brothers

WARNING - This post contains somewhat adult commentary/situations so if you have youth around or are easily offended I'd suggest not reading further.

I often forget what I have been through and this I don't think is coincidence. I think the mind, to maintain its sanity tries to purge or at least subconsciously avoid you having to think about things in the past that are so depressing, if not debilitating, that you have gone through that you would not be able to function or would be severely depressed if you remembered them in full and in all of their gory detail. However, at the same time, you have to view these trials and tribulations throughout life as learning experiences and if you are to be any kind of honorable "elder" you will pass on what you learned through your successes and mistakes so that the future generations may have a more productive and successful life than you. Ergo, I think it is time for a lesson for the younger male cappy caps out there who read this blog and who I often forget do make up a considerable percentage of my readership. So permit me this lesson as I think it will be of great help and benefit to the younger men out there.

Story 1

There was a time in the Captain's youth when he was comely enough to court two ladies at the same time. Well, actually the Captain was comely enough in his youth for this to be a regular event and not always were there two girls, but perhaps maybe even 3, or 4...I think even one time 5. In any case this ONE time (in band camp) he was courting two girls. Both started off as awesome candidates for long term courting potential. But then one of them stood up the Captain, canceling their date at the last minute. The Captain, not worried because of his diversified portfolio continued on his merry life and continued dating the other girl. However, the first candidate then asked him out again, to which the Captain agreed, only to have the date be canceled at the last minute. This continued on until one final time, they had a date and the girl (you guessed it) called the Captain and said she was too sick to go out. The Captain, undeterred by her cancellation, hopped in his Captain Capitalismobile and headed for the evening. However, whilst he was filling up his car with gas, he saw right before his eyes, the "very sick girl" who was "too ill to go out that night" drive past him in her car enroute to the city.

It was here the Captain decided that he was no longer going to bother with this one girl and instead decided to dedicate himself to the other girl who by this time had NEVER stood him up, NEVER lied to him and NEVER played any childish, middle school girl games with him. After getting gas he went to his favorite neighborhood bar where he saw "Amy" who was a friend of the "very sick" girl who was currently heading towards Minneapolis. She asked the Captain,

"So Captain, how's it going with Girl X?"

I replied, "Not too well. I've decided I will not longer court her and instead will dedicate myself to Girl Y."

Amy, visibly disturbed said, "What???!!! Girl X was ready to commit to you! She got rid of her boyfriend in California (to which was new news to the Captain) and was ready to date you!"

To which the Captain replied,

"Nope, I don't care. She stood me up too many times, she lied to me about being sick and I don't know about this California guy, but Girl Y is reliable, has never lied to me and actually treats me nice and good. I don't have time for childish games and if Girl X wanted to go out with me, then tough cookies, she just blew away her chances."

The Captain then finished his drink, paid his tab, went home and fell asleep. And I had every right to do so WITHOUT WORRY, for you see, when men dump women or just "stop dating" them, we don't have to worry about any kind of revenge or "consequence." We just STOP CALLING. It's one of the great advantages of being a man. We just stop chasing. The girl keeps running never ever thinking it was even a remote possibility the man would stop chasing her, and we just go home, pour a whiskey and light up a cigar and we never see the girl again.

Or so I thought.

The next morning I get a distraught call.

"Captain!??!?!"

Half awake I said, "Yeah?"

"It's Girl X! We have to talk!"

Now at this point in time, I didn't see what possible point there would be in talking. We never "dated" officially and went on several dates, interspersed with her canceling and standing me up 2 times for every 1 date we went on. You could have certainly NEVER claimed we were boyfriend and girlfriend, not to mention with Mr. California whom she was presumably seeing (a convenient 2,500 miles away), ergo I thought this odd that we had to "have a talk."

Now by this time, I will admit, I wasn't a rookie. By this time I was more or less a fully trained Jedi knight and basically said, "Heh, yeah, sure, I'll give you a call sometime."

Sensing my indifference and complete lack of desire to call her, "NO, I'M SERIOUS, WE HAVE TO TALK!!!"

I said, "No, we don't. I'll call you when I feel like it."

"Well you better call me!"

I said, "Yeah, sure."

And hung up.

Almost immediately after hanging up I figured that sooner or later I would have to have "the talk" with the girl, even though we were never dating. It was only putting off the inevitable, so I decided that I would call her, endure the pointless and baseless argument she would tender forth, rely on plain, simple, adult logic to explain why I would not be "dating" her any more and be done with it. Thus I called her back, said, yes, I'd be willing to talk and to have her come over.

She came over, tight lipped and I could almost sensed she was going to give me "what I deserved." We went downstairs where she then began to yell at me and lecture me about how dare I just break up with her, and she thought I was different and that I was one of the few guys who "got it" and blah blah blah. I tried to make some points or explain things to her, but I quickly observed anything I said was summarily ignored as she continued on her tirade. She was going on and on, but then said something rather unique;

"Oh, and I know about Girl Y."

Apparently, Amy had spilled the beans.

"Oh, and you know what's sad? You just like her because she treats you nice and cooks for you and everything."

And that was the most precious statement of all the argument.

"You just like her because SHE TREATS YOU NICE AND COOKS FOR YOU and everything."

Right now I can hear men saying global-wide, "well, duh!?"

No, we like the women that treat us like shit and never cook or do anything nice for us. THose are the ones we go after.

It was from here on that I knew this girl was delusional and psychotic and there was no point in entertaining the notions of an adult conversation with an adult resolution. She gave me my opportunity as she continued on with a litany of things "wrong" with me;

"You know that one time I wouldn't sleep with you!?"

Having a hard time trying to nail that night down I said, "Uh, no, what night?"

"The night you wanted to have sex and I wouldn't let you. I said I didn't think it was what was best?!"

Remembering it slightly I said, "Uh, yeah, I think so."

"Yeah, well that was just because I knew you were a player, Captain. I knew you were a player and I was going to see if you could handle a girl rejecting you!"

Sensing her kind of weird, self-made sense of self-control I said in the most straight faced and stone cold demeanor (because I was that serious),

"Well Girl X, you don't ever have to worry about that again, because I never want to sleep with you again."

Now, you must understand that this girl was a "party girl" from California. She was a car model for GM. And if memory serves me correctly, she may have even been in one of them modern day pin up calendars. Regardless, the whole point was that she was overly physically attractive. And never, in her entire approaching-30 years of life, had a guy turned her down or ever told her they would not sleep with her. Never, had a guy been immune to her single (and arguably) only quality; her looks.

The blow she delivered was weak, but not weak enough to not leave a slight black eye. Regardless, what was more shocking to me was not so much being punched in the face, but a woman who was 29 punched me at the age of 31 because I just didn't want to go out with her.

Story 2

Many years ago in the Captain's youth, he was deemed "a good guy." So "good of a guy" he was deemed by his friends, one of his friends decided to set him up with one of her girlfriends "Ms. Taiwan." Ms. Taiwan was a drop dead gorgeous girl. Her previous boyfriend who was a Minnesota Viking or maybe a MInnesota Timberwolf (I can't remember) was a "jerk" and our mutual friend wanted to set us up. She lived in a private estate in north St. Paul with her parents who were directly related to some of the head honchos in the Kuomintang Party of Taiwan. Cumulatively the parents had a net worth of over $1 billion and when the Captain went to pick up Ms Taiwan in his 1985 Cutlass Supreme (with out the muffler), they not only asked him to park the car three blocks down from their house so as not to bring shame to their family, but also got to endure a conversation about why he wasn't of Chinese/Taiwanese descent (even though he tried, MULTIPLE TIMES to explain he was a mix of Irish, German, and Jew and ALL OF THIS WAS BEYOND HIS CONTROL). One would think the anti-Irishgermanjew sentiment of the parents would be enough to drive him away, but no, their daughter did a splendid job of that by herself.

The Captain knew something was already amiss when on their SECOND DATE Ms. Taiwan answered the door in a naughty catholic school girl outfit. Certainly, the first date had gone alright, but nothing to warrant the outfit on the second date, and though just as male as any other guy, this willingness to don an outfit was making a worrying twingling sensation in the back of the Captain's head. However, the twingling sensation would soon be validated. For as they went forth on the third date and your beloved Captain went to get some gas and he went inside to pay. Upon his return to his car the girl was sitting in a pouting like fashion. Not noticing it too much, the Captain continued on his date and continued to drive.

Now if you want to look this up on Google Satellite to see how the next 20 minutes of this date went start at the intersection of Louisiana and Texas in St. Louis Park and plot directions to Hwy 280 and 35W.

By 394 and Louisiana the Captain noticed the girl was upset. Not thinking there was anything the Captain could have done to possibly upset this girl he said, "What's wrong?"

To which Ms. Taiwan responded, "If you don't know, then the hell if I'm telling you."

Again, not a fully trained Jedi knight, but enough of a guy to know I didn't do anything wrong, I had a hard time validating that statement by playing "20 questions."

By the intersection of Hwy 100 and 394 I had said, "I'm not going to play 20 questions, what is it?"

This then triggered screaming and accusations and yelling and crying from 100 and 394 to...

280 AND 35W

Nearly 14 miles of non-stop bitching and crying and sobbing and name calling and drama and other things that could all be categorized in the category of "shit" which culminated into....

A suicide threat on the bridge over 280 and 35W. She was going to jump out of the car at 65 MPH and if she survived would jump off the bridge.

I was, I think, all of 23 years old.

Oh, and by the way, guess what she was mad about?

That I didn't OFFER TO BUY HER A SODA when I went in to pay for gas!!!!

Story 3

The Captain had met a quite attractive, but above all else, a quite moxie-fied girl named say, "Julie." She was 25, she was drop dead gorgeous and not only did she want to learn how to dance she was also in training for a marathon (the Captain is an avid runner). Naturally we started dating, dancing and running, but soon problems would be found out by the fourth date. For by the fourth date, that's the date where you are more or less obliged to kiss. If you don't, then you are just friends, and there's nothing wrong with that, it's just a little late in the game to not be kissing.

Twas the end of our fourth date, we had gone salsa dancing and when invited to come into the Captain's Pad she agreed. I threw in Father Goose which is one of my all-time favorite movies, she laid down on the couch, I poured her a glass of wine and we then watch the movie as we spooned. We were tired and didn't make it through much of the movie, but she was already nestling her nose in the back of my neck. Thinking this was a for sure fire thing WITHOUT EVEN KISSING HER, I asked her if she wanted to go to bed. She said, "yes."

We got to bed, her still rubbing her nose in the back of my neck and when I went in for a kiss...

She stopped

Sat up

Looked surprised

and said,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

Completely confused I said, "What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm trying to kiss you!"

To which she responded (are you ready for this?)

"Well, I'm not kissing any man until we're engaged."

If the look on my face could have been photographed at that moment in time it would have been in the Smithsonian.

Obviously I stopped dating her, but within one week she went salsa dancing, had one martini, ended up having her much-anticipated first kiss (and make out session) with an illegal alien who didn't speak English, but not before she gave him her phone number and when he left messages for her broken English and wouldn't stop calling, guess who she called to ask what to do?

I was about 30 or 31 at the time.

Now I could go on. I literally could with a limitless number of stories that are just as shocking and appalling as those mentioned above. But the larger point of all these stories is an important one and one that I wish to get to younger men in America as quickly and as early on in their lives as possible, and it is this;

No, you're not insane, the women are.

Now this may seem like a funny ha ha, half jesting lesson, but it is not. And the reason it is not is because in order to learn this lesson ON YOUR OWN you would have to go through the hell I and all the other 30 something men in America have gone through. And not only that (and this is key) you have to be driven to such insane lengths and endure such insane situations that you have NO CHOICE but to make the arrogant assumption that there might not be something wrong with you, but rather something wrong with society. This is an arrogant assumption because when is it the "individual" is right and "society" is wrong? But I'm here to tell you that this is just such the case.

If you are a younger man in the US and you cannot believe or comprehend just the sheer magnitude of idiocy you have to deal with when dating, understand it is NOT you, it is society. And the reason I bring up this overall and very important point is because you do not deserve to endure the hell you have to go through from puberty on thinking somehow you are the one to blame for the insanity. There comes a point in time where you just have too much experience and empirical evidence where you have to look back and say, "OK, am I really that insane? Have I really goofed up? What on god's green earth did i do to deserve to have that girl threaten to kill herself? What did I do so that girl would not kiss me until we were engaged? What did I do to have that girl stand me up?"

You didn't do anything. It's just the way girls are.

Now I know I will catch much flak for this post, but I don't care. I'm sick of good honorable men getting stood up, lied to, cheated on or just plain mind-effed with because literal "girls" think its funny to stand men up. I'm sick of seeing boys or young men grow up under an environment that turns them into cynical full grown men who abandon marriage or courtship altogether because girls wanted to play little middle school girl games or re-enact scenes they've seen from 90210 for 2 decades. And I'm dirt tired of seeing men, not much younger than myself, go through their teens and 20's utterly confused, and worse, somehow thinking there's something wrong with them, when there's nobody older than them saying, "Hey kid, here's the reality of the situation. Here's the ropes. Sorry, we didn't make the rules, but at least you know it's not your fault. There's nothing wrong with you."

I also fully intend to put a stop to clueless mothers telling their younger sons, "Well YOU must be looking in the wrong places. There must be something wrong with YOU that you are attracting these types of girls." And replace it with the concept that maybe all there is to select in the population is Britney Spears and a limitless sea of sociology majors.

Regardless, as in tune with the original theme of this post, permit me my young, aspiring male (and female, because some of these rules would apply to you too) junior, deputy and aspiring economists a couple rules or tidbits of wisdom that will help make your younger years easier to deal with and perhaps save you a couple bucks and hours along the way;

1. Life is short, you're going to die, quit trying to pick up chicks at bars. Bars/nightclubs are where stupid people go because they have no conversation skills and need to rely on their looks to get them buy. Girls in particular just go there to get free drinks (I did a survey on this on my economics students and that was the number one reason girls go to bars, not for you, for your propensity to buy them drinks). Instead pick up a hobby or activity that YOU want to do. You will find similarly minded girls and without the loud bass BOOM BOOM BOOM, chances are she'll be smart enough to converse with you.

2. Learn to ballroom/swing/salsa dance. You don't have time to rely on one liners or meeting Suzie Jones in class or to have your friends get off their lazy asses and set you up. Dancing is a great and polite means by which to meet a girl. For every hour you spend learning dance you will save yourself literally 10 hours at a bar with the same amount of success. And NO, it doesn't matter if you "like" to dance, it's your job to do it.

3. At the first sign of trouble, ditch the girl. You look out for number one, YOU. You, especially if you are going to school and working, don't have time for it. If a girl acts weird, or perhaps a better way of putting it is her behavior is "hypocritical" bail. Immediately. You don't have time for games. I'm sure curiosity gets you, like "Why is she acting weird" but it has been my experience you will never find out "why" and the question will be evaded (also, the "why" tends to be another guy, so don't compete, again you don't have the time, you have you to work on).

4. Akin to three, one strike and you're out. I had a buddy Tony, who said something very wise. When he was stood up or a girl didn't call him back his mother would come up with theories as to why. "Well, maybe she got hit by a truck. Maybe the electricity went out in her neighborhood. Maybe she tripped and hit her head and forgot she had a date." But inevitably, Tony said, it all boiled down to that the girl just plain didn't want to go out with you. Think about it, if you had an interview for a job you really wanted, or you really wanted to go on a date with a girl, if you couldn't make it, you would call. If she really wanted to go out with you, she would call. She didn't so quit wasting your time. Which leads us to...

5. Ball in Court Theory - Consider calling or e-mailing or "texting" (what you young punk kids do nowadays) a basketball or a ping pong ball. If you throw or hit the ball to the opponent the ball is in their court. You can't hit it back until they hit it back to you. Don't be an idiot and call/e-mail them if you already did so once. That's it. If they don't call you back, don't call them back. You'll look like an idiot just like you would swinging at a ping pong ball that isn't there.

6. Date Math Girls - Math girls not only tend to be more employable, but I've never had a engineering major/engineer stand me up. Not once. Women that are in the sciences are always on time and are least likely to lie about their availability (a major reason why the majority of girls I dated in college were Asian, they were all in engineering, computer science, physics, etc.). Business majors, HA! Those are your future power hungry HR directors. Give me a geek girl any day.

7. Ask your self "What is my opportunity cost?" - I look back at it and my best times in college and my twenties were NOT with girls. They were with my friends (be they guys or girls). Rock climbing, video games, drinking, you name it. They are always there, they are always willing to hang out and you are GUARANTEED to have a good time. Consider your expected rate of return on a Friday night; Go clubbing where you have a 2% chance of getting a girl's number and a 10% chance of it being a right one and a 10% chance of her actually going out with you (.0002 chance of you going on the date) or play some video games while drinking beer with your friends 100% chance.

8. Do not chase, they will chase you. If there is an important rule, this is it. Life is too short chasing after people. You have to do your own thing that you enjoy and live life and meet the people along the way. The frat boy at the bar with his cap on backwards with the Ambercrombie and Fitch. Yeah, not getting as much play as the guy playing ultimate frisbee with his friends who heads up a tornado chasing expedition and knows how to dance. And the reason why is the A&B boy is a conformist. Girls can get those a dime a dozen. If you're out doing your own thing, girls will be attracted to that. Better yet, girls that like the stuff you do will be attracted to that so you don't have to endure listening to her speculate on "American Idol" or "Obama's pecks" but rather she will be like, "Hell yes, let's go to Glacier National and get freaking on a glacier!" Oh, she's not going to show up on your doorstep that instant, but it won't matter. YOu'll be happy doing what you want to do. And for god's sake, playing an acoustic guitar is NOT a hobby.

9. Religious girls. If you're religious. Good for you. If you're not, stay away from them. And I'm not talking the girls that say, "Well I'm Catholic" but haven't been to church in 3 years, I mean girls that go to Christian colleges and won't court any non-Christian guys. God comes first, dad comes second, and somewhere around 573rd place next to "clean toe fungus" is "find and date cool guy." Ranked 1,435,984th is "kiss cool guy." Save yourself the time, it isn't worth it.

10. Go to school until you're 27. There is no point in looking for a partner to set up a family until you're AT LEAST 27, so you might as well get your masters or doctorate. Girls (as well as boys) will not mature until that time. You want to get married before that, enjoy divorce. I would make it 35, but by that time everybody has a kid so start looking, there is the occasional girl that has her act together before that time, but like I said, you have more important things to do like college, besides which, she'll make herself known.

11. Do not tolerate any drama or soap opera stuff. It's weird, but I almost sense a lot of girls, especially when they're younger get more of a kick off of drama than anything approaching a normally functioning relationship. They lay what are called "land mines" which are nothing but traps to give them an excuse to get mad at you (see you didn't buy me a soda). You think they're not common, oh but they are.

12. Sex is not negotiable. I can understand if you are religious and wish to adhere to your principles and I do genuinely salute you. For the remainder of us men, sex is not negotiable. The girl either has sex or not. And if she doesn't that's fine, nothing wrong with it, but don't think you're going to somehow "convince" her. All you're going to do is waste your time. If you want sex, find a girl that is willing to have sex. And if you can't find one, guess what? You have more important stuff to do any way (see hobbies and college).

13. Never tolerate being stood up. And there really isn't anything you can do about this one in the sense that if you're stood up, you have no choice but to be stood up. But you can protect against it. Always have plans with the guys. Always have something else to do. There was a rule I came up with called the 505025 rule, the founding of which was based on the empirical experience I had where 50% of the time the girl would say yes to a date, but only 50% of the time she would actually show up for the date, resulting in a 25% real chance of a date. In actuality it was more like 70/10/7, but the point is even if the girl says yes, chances are you're not going out, especially in your late teens and early 20's. ASSUME you're not, make other plans and if the girl actually pulls through, consider it a bonus.

14. Buy the damn book! You youth cannot afford to be jerking around with worthless degrees. Focus your efforts and resources WISELY and early on, on productive pursuits.

Now there is infinitely more precise bullet points i could give you, but the overall point is to have not only self-respect, but to draw the lines and standards by which who you are or are not going to date. Self-respect because young men waste so much time trying to date girls who frankly are not worth it (and this time could be spent bettering oneself) and also to establish rules and lines so as not to be taken advantage of. The key thing is to not worry if you are having troubles or are immeasurably frustrated by the insanity going on. All guys are. But if you focus on yourself and enjoy YOUR life you can not only endure the 20's and early 30's, but improve yourself immeasurably, and maybe even find that nice girl who has a job and (as Girl X liked to disdain) "has the audacity to treat you nice."

Sacrilege!