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His spies had found this website and decided to inform him of this terrible attack and crushing blow to his perfect character. I know who these spies are and have since cut them out of my life.
Gareth has an extreme lack of empathy (as does his parents who I believe to be pathological too) and a need for admiration, though he appears shy at all times and quiet/distant, Gareth attacks in more subtle, covert ways instead of overtly. He never apologizes because he feels this is beneath him, he is unwilling to hear about his faults from others as he sees himself as superior and feels he is due value or importance , this is called "Grandiosity"
In any kind of relationship with Gareth (whether that is as his partner, friend, co worker, or family member) you are forever doomed to "walk on eggshells" just like his parents doomed him to do.
You have to constantly watch everything you say and do in order to escape his abuse. If you confront him, he will accuse YOU of trying to make HIM walk on eggshells
Everything you do that he perceives as a threat will be projected back onto you.
From: XXXXXXXXgooglemail.com
Subject: E-Mail
Date: 30 July 2008 14:55:15 BDT
To: XXXXXXXX@gmail.com
Hi XXXXXX
I tried to resist the temptation to write to you but couldn't...
Someone recently pointed me to what you wrote about our previous relationship and I was horrified to know that's how you feel.
In my own mind I feel disgraced that I could hurt someone so much.
I've written out a letter I wanted to post or e-mail to you with my thoughts and feelings but it's personal and I can't trust that it won't be posted online. Shall I give you a call instead (XXXXXX ?) to read what I have written and talk?
Please reply,
Best wishes,
Gareth
It's been nearly 3 years since we broke up! bit late to start offering your thoughts and crap apologies via email & phone.
After finding out about this site, he has been obsessively visiting it at least once - twice a day since then, I have the logs , he was desperately checking to see if I had posted the email above or written more on him. Since we broke up nearly 3 years ago he has been visiting my online profiles weekly too - can we say STALKER.
Trouble is most if not ALL narcissists do this. Check out The Stumbling Block Or the stories on the side of the site here as they document the same thing.
After being caught out with this, you will find your narcissist will start using proxies to get to your site instead or visit from different locations. They are so predictable.
See the screenshot (Click for larger view) - look how many times in ONE DAY
Apology?
Gareth has obviously only read ONE entry of what has been written and for only 12 seconds!!! so how can he be "horrified" to know thats how I feel? he didn't read any of the other entries and 12 seconds is a short amount of time for an entry that would take over 10 mins to read.
As for apologies? I see none in the above email.
The Narcissist appears shocked, as if he had no idea he was inflicting any pain whatsoever on his victim, ie: "Who me? I had no idea you felt this way" he is offering an explanation to what went wrong - On the surface this looks like an apology in the making and an offer to say all the things he SHOULD of said or did before the break up occurred. A final closure is offered for you or so it seems. Or you could see it another way, this letter for him is about HIM and HIS pain and how YOU were to blame.
You can see in the email he wants to talk on the phone about his feelings & thoughts not mine.
It could go either way, but it will still amount to the same thing - Self Self Self.
The narcissists real goal however is to try and reel his victim in so that they may take pity on his poor unfortunate depressed & miserable state / his heroism of owning up to past wrongs this is ALL AN ILLUSION because he is trying to coerce his victim into removing the exposure on him so that it cannot damage his Mask Of Sanity.
How do I know this is his intention? Because I know him. I know his pathology. I have lived with it long enough to see the patterned behavioural traits & his motives are the same as they have always been when he writes emails such as the above.
He is doing what manipulators all do - "Offers you what he thinks you want in order to get what HE wants" there is a hidden agenda, there ALWAYS is with a narcissist - never forget that!
He has NO intentions in accepting responsibility for his actions or apologizing because he believes he has done nothing wrong, the email states that fact "I feel disgraced that I could hurt someone so much." INSTEAD OF "I feel disgraced that I hurt you so much".
If an admission of guilt does emerge it will be either full of word salad, blame shifting & all about HIM, or superficial at best , it is an admission littered with lies and manipulation and therefore NULL & VOID.
For example: The Cyberpaths Exposed Website describes the Cyberpaths modus operandi of apologizing to the victim & how NOT to apologize.
2.) Make sure the "confession", er, apology comes MONTHS or years after the incident.
It's just too much work to actually own up immediately afterwards. Let's face it, you're not after any real resolution, and you are not offering any kind of restitution - you are looking to assuage your guilty conscience and buy absolution, and, if you play your cards right, you can get attention for your act of "bravery" in coming forward. If it's absolution you are looking for, why not join the Catholic church instead?
3.) Use generic sweeping statements, so that you don't have to own up to, or deal with any specifics.
This is a great way to avoid any REAL acknowledgement for the stunts you have pulled, while giving the appearance of sincerity.
5.) Don't give any reasons about why you have suddenly decided to extend this tremendous effort (writing an email) after so much time has passed.
When this coercion doesn't work despite his best abilities he will start with the threats, when a narcissist doesn't get his own way (You will see this in emails furthur on in this post) he will move on from "making nice" to threatening, the usual threats entail slandering your character , the one who unmasks him. Suddenly you will become "A woman scorned" "Jealous" "Angry because he broke it off" "Liar" "Manipulator" He will twist, turn and totally reinvent your history together to support his ongoing False Image so that you look like the crazy unstable pathological one.
For example The Cyberpaths Website lists a Cyberpaths/Narcissists traits when they are exposed.
If there are other targets/victims involved, rest assured the predator has ALREADY planted seeds in their brain saying:
* YOU are crazy
* YOU are obsessed with them
* YOU are just a 'scorned woman' or 'psycho ex'
* THE PREDATOR is/was just being nice to you - that's ALL
* YOU started the relationship
* YOU are mentally ill
* THE PREDATOR will blame your divorce/ breakups on the "fact" that YOU are imbalanced and none of your exes can stand being around you
* THE PREDATOR will blame any disability, past sins , illness on something else -- such as calling you "lazy" or "fat" or "old" or "desperate for attention" or a "welfare cheat"
and so on...
* YOU are the predator here, not them!
* YOU invented everything
* YOU are trying to hurt their relationship(s) because you are jealous
Predators are VERY convincing liars and can spin a tale or explanation so convincing that even if you don't totally believe it, you think you're crazy for doubting it because they said it with ABSOLUTE CONVICTION (cyberpaths often believe their own lies, since they are a type of sociopath - and behave the same way)
More on the Narcissists Smear Campaign
The False Self
His false self, his mask , his reputation are all at stake with every stroke of the keyboard. I however ceased caring a long time ago, he didn't give much thought to me nor our children , I won't carry on protecting him because this enables him to abuse other women, co workers, friends and others the way he abused me.
"The associates, friends & partners of predators, cyberpaths, narcissists, & psychopaths have been so brainwashed and reprogrammed that all reason goes out the figurative window.
These predatory types are very good at covering their bases, asses, and tracks. NEVER for an instant forget that. They plan for things we wouldn't even think of because we are basically honest people that don't need to hide things." Source
"At the end of a relationship the Narcissist faces the potential exposure of his abusive behaviour, your leaving and loss of expected NS (Narcissistic Supply), ensuing divorce, financial repercussions, which can result in narcissistic injury and subsequent narcissistic rage.
His targets find themselves on the receiving end of the Narcissist’s relentless continued abuse, smear campaign, endless legal battles and other creative cruelties. This narcissistic rage may be, in fact, much worse than what you experienced within the relationship." Source
I"n fact, he is most likely to smear off on someone he owes gratitude, because needing help damages his image. So he repays help as though it were an insult. He must devalue it by devaluing the giver of it, as if such a contemptible person is incapable of really helping someone as grand as he." Source
I hold myself accountable however for the wrongs I have done in word and in deed, no one is perfect and I will never make myself out to be such. This isn't about revenge this is about protection for others from the narcissist and coming out in the open. It is also a way for me to heal the scars and old wounds, it is therapist recommended too!
As Cyberpaths Website States
This should NOT be revenge but it can be empowering, conceptual closure and a step towards your healing.
cont......
Appearances are EVERYTHING to a narcissist and this is especially true of Gareth.
Read that email again, what do you notice , what stands out? is it the uses of "Me" "My" "I"
Everything is about them, "me me me" everything is a reason for drama or for stopping your own routines just to listen to the same crap over and over again.
I hadn't heard from him in over a year! why the sudden change of heart, and yearning to write me or even read to me over the phone his long letter of apology/explanation? (self pity) He could of done that before he read the blog right?
This tells me in no uncertain terms his new email of revelation and offer of final closure is an attempt to coerce me, to manipulate me into removing this exposure site or a way to punish me with guilt and blame shift everything that went wrong in our relationship onto me (Projection) - therefore negating the need for this exposure site.
Projection.
Once a narcissist starts projecting his failures and rage onto you, you end up in that same circle of abuse again.
big difference between narcissists and normal people when they're projecting on you is that narcissists expect you to share their delusion. Yes! You cannot help but perceive this as gaslighting.
Narcissists try to make you be what they say you are because, like a psychopath, they view you as an object, not as a human person with perceptions and a mind of your own.* They view you as an extension of themselves (like a tool) to control. It is the moral equivalent of the control a rapist thinks he has over the body of another, whom he views as but an object, an extension of himself, an executioner of HIS will.
Psychologists call this bizarre behavior projective identification, a defense mechanism. The narcissist wants you to identify with the image he projects on you. You are a mirror to reflect his fantasy, so he pressures you to behave as though it is real.
If you reply and break the No Contact Rule, you are enabling your abuser to carry on abusing you! so don't do it! keep that No Contact rule firmly in place. Block his emails like I have done, refuse to be a puppet! you will never heal if you keep opening up old scars!
Word Salad..
Word salad is a string of words that vaguely resembles language, and may or may not be grammatically correct, but is utterly meaningless.
I received an email from Gareth right before our first baby's funeral, he was just about to embark on his holiday abroad in the sea and sun whilst leaving me to arrange our baby's final resting place who had only passed away one - two weeks earlier. I explain this more in my previous posts.
This email at the time appeared to be a grand love letter of mysterious proportions and you will see why in a moment. However once you begin to see through the lie, you spot the illusions.
Gareth's letter was written in order to keep me in check while he was away, a ruse, a game - To Idealise me & hold me on a pedastal until he could return home and knock me the hell off it. It was in all intents and purposes another way to Devalue me and Project his issues onto me.
You will read a letter you will find hard to understand, it is not clear nor concise.
You will also see a lot of projection too, you can read about projection here
Gareth loved word salad, he used to read all he could on NLP, word salad, Psychology - anything remotely linked to seducing, manipulating and targeting a victim.
After each line of the letter I will post the translation to what he is saying in the way the translation was given to me in the beginning of my road to understanding the narcissist. I thank the friend who gave me this translation because at the same time as being correct it was humorous too which made it easier to accept the truths.
XXXXX
"I have worked out what I love about you and why,
BECAUSE WHAT I THINK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU THINK
I love what I cannot see, i love that intangible quality you hold,
HERE COMES MY PROJECTION
that "thing"
OBJECT -'THING' BEING THE MOST OPERATIVE WORD HERE
that you are and always have been.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A THING TO ME.
That is what tantalizes me, delights all of my senses and creates a certain emotional admiration of you"
HERE COMES SOME IDEALISATION...GET READY FOR THE DEVALUATION SOON TO FOLLOW.
"It explains that when I hold you there is no need for words or conversation, they limit and distort the "Pure You" inside.
I CAN'T COMMUNICATE.
"You walk into a room , you are 100%, I walk into the room with you , you look at me and try to tell me how you are feeling but you fail,
NOTE YOU FAIL..NOT ME...YOU FAIL
you fail because there is a set of words, a dictionary, you have been taught,
YOU KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE AND I AM JEALOUS OF YOU FOR THAT.
you cant make up your own words as I wont understand them,
I REFUSE TO LISTEN.
everything you say to me will be degraded
BANG! HERE'S ANOTHER TRUTH.
down to 70% because all i would of received was a few words and i can only understand 30% of what you wanted me to understand
COS i DON'T GET IT.
The personality you have is something that is nothing but an interpreter for YOU
PROJECTION AGAIN. I ASSUME YOU ARE WEARING A MASK, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO.
Nothing you say can constitute me loving you
I STILL DON'T GET IT. I WILL HAVE MY WAY OR ELSE..
Whatever spirit man is inside me,
WOOOO-oooo- NOW I AM BEING DEEP
hes happy when im with you, and longs for you when im without you, hes not writing this letter, i am but i can feel he is glad i am writing this.
HELLO, SEE A LITTLE 'PERSONALITY SPLIT' HERE?
when something is wrong with you or me, or your doing something bad or wrong,
NOTICE I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU DID ANYTHING GOOD, FEEL GUILTY YET? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO.
its like the real you....that spirit ,
MY PROJECTION AGAIN.
shouts to me and begs my attention
MORE PROJECTION, IT'S YOUR ATTENTION MY LITTLE TEENSY WEENSY SPIRIT MAN WANTS...
saying "help" or "shes in trouble again" and in response,
I WANT YOU TO BE IN DISTRESS SO I CAN BE A HERO AND SAVE A DAMSEL..HELPS ME FEEL ALL BIG AND STRONG
my spirit or soul makes the physical me feel different usually a dwelling pain in my stomach,
YOU GIVE ME A PAIN IN THE GUT..
which then sparks me to physically take action and find out whats going on.
IT'S YOUR FAULT I STALK YOU.
I cannot say all my love for you is because I love you,
I DON'T LOVE YOU.
or your personality and the things you say and do. Its not.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.
I love whats inside you, behind all those feelings and words.
I LOVE WHAT I WANT YOU TO BE, NOT WHO YOU ARE.
It is like there is something inside us both,
IT'S BEYOND MY CONTROL, COS I DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING.
and both spirits inside us are connected and are "in love"
WE ARE JUST GOD'S LITTLE GLOVE PUPPETS (PROJECTION AGAIN)
and we as people have to just follow those instincts ,
I WANT TO BONK YOU.
not ever knowing if its just looks, words, sex or personality that we love about each other.
I DON'T WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU ON ANY OTHER DEEPER LEVEL.
The emotions i feel overwhelm me when we are together,
I HAVE POOR IMPULSE CONTROL
and your personality you have taken on
I'M SAYING THAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS FAKE(PROJECTION AGAIN)
is a mere tunnel to the real spirit and vibe of you, the soul or aura you have drives me wild when i think about you.
I WANT TO BONK YOU.
You are insecure about us XXXXXXX, there is no need to be,
DON'T FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION.
wake in the morning and go to sleep at night and what happens in the daytime happens, but there is something inside both of us that will always want to get closer so leave it alone,
I WILL BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR FEELINGS
dont worry or feel the need to govern the relationship.
IT'S MY JOB TO GOVERN THE RELATIONSHIP
Say what you feel instinctively and we will naturally get along well.
DO AS I SAY.
I love the spirit and soul that is in you I feel it when im with you and around you, when I cuddle up to you or lie down with you.
I WANT TO BONK YOU.
It is hard for me to comprehend what im saying but when im lying
I'M ALWAYS LYING
against you its like there is something inside me
THERE'S SOMETHING INSIDE MY PANTS
thats happy and that something is what i am talking about.
I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.
I dont know if you understand what im saying, and if you cant then it furthur supports what im saying.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM SAYING AND IF YOU UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS THEN YOU ARE AS NUTS AS I AM...
Let us look forward we are in love much deeper than i can ever comprehend,
THIS IS WORD SALADY RUBBISH WHERE I TRY TO BE DEEP AND MEANINGFUL
whatever is inside me will guide me and clear the way.
MY PENIS LEADS THE WAY.
in time you will start to see the white before the black....the positive instead of the negative.
I SPEAK OF BLACK AND WHITE, THERE'S AN INDICATOR THAT THERE'S NO SHADES OF GREY, PRETTY MUCH THE WAY A PSYCHOPATH/NARCISSIST VIEWS THE WORLD.
The medium of talking is poor.
I CAN'T COMMUNICATE..
Your skin like silk, your body is beautiful, your eyes so perfectly dark and deep, your hair so vibrant and attractive, your lips so lush and striking.
I WANT TO BONK YOU. HERE'S ANOTHER BUNCH OF COMPLIMENTS TO IDEALISE YOU AGAIN BEFORE A D&D. DEVALUE + DISCARD
Your make up you wear masks
OOOH NOTICE THE "Psychopath" SPEAK..."MASK"
your natural beauty and can instill lust and physical desire but still does not answer the question of what and why do i love you.
HERE I GO AGAIN....
So Let love thrive and enjoy the warmth it gives you.
DO AS I SAY.
Allay your worries and fears as there is no need for any.
I FLUNKED ENGLISH CLASS.
All my love ...is just for you
FOR NOW.
Hope it helps a lot to know im always going to be here for you......
THAT I WILL ALWAYS STALK YOU.
Ineffable = unspeakable
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A DICTIONARY EITHER
Ecstasy = Overwhelming emotion
OR A THESAURUS
Intangible= Can be sensed but not physical
BUT I CAN ALWAYS TRY SPELL CHECK
"Im not saying your stupid XXXXXX"
I AM SAYING YOU'RE STUPID BUT REMEMBER, THAT'S MY PROJECTION.
As a partner of a narcissist you will more than likely find yourself trying to read between the lines of his correspondence, because he isn't being CLEAR , everything he says is twisted, warped and gobbledegook. It is meaningless word jumbles, word salad tossed together.
NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT!
After the relationship ended I put a No Contact rule in place, or at least I tried, When I didn't reply to his emails, I would receive replies such as this one baiting me to answer, he knew it would get my attention and he used every trick in the book. He had left me for the Nth time pregnant for the second time knowing our second baby would very likely die (due to a condition of my womb) as our daughter a year previously had. I was in a desperate emotionally damaged state and I decided not to speak to him.
Gareth told me he was leaving, but asked to stay for a few more days, and he punished me right up until the day he took his belongings and left the house.
The baiting worked for a while. Some of his emails: (My Quotes In Bold)
"You didnt pick the phone up for days SXXXXX
When is the best time to contact you today? i tried before but you obviously spent the night elsewhere ( Baiting for a reaction / blame shifting)
If you want me to go away and cease contact I will
Not long after im gone, you have a male friend over your house to talk, i know what your up to, your out meeting other people, whats happening with XXXXXXXXXX (my children not his)? (funny how he would ignore my children all the time we were together then acts so concerned after he left) (Makes sense he would be jealous, I was deterred from having friends when we were together)
I dont mind you going out SXXXXXX you have the freedom to do as you wish, im not one to tell you what to do anymore, and im not going to. ........(But you still are trying to control me)
a few days ago i was calling in the hope of having a civilized , long conversation with you, you may not want anything to do with me and thats ok but id like to know how your doing, (no you wan't to know WHAT i am doing) if that isnt any of my business , say so. (Umm I spent hours telling you it isn't your business because you made it none of your business by leaving) But when it comes to the baby side of things, i need to know whats going on, partly for me and partly so i can give my parents the details they need to know. (A bold lie, he had no intention of telling his parents of our second child and hasn't done so far nearly 3 years later - he didn't tell his parents about our first child until I was 6 months pregnant - they told him if he ever lied or I fell pregnant again they would disown him.)
Just so you are aware im not going out all the time, id rather regain the indepedence i have long lost, i hope your not going through the pain im going through and that this is some comfort for you.(Another attack to devalue me and the relationship we had - and more importantly HIS PAIN is obviously worse than mine could ever be, he doesn't ask about my pain or how I feel?)
Reminds me of this quote "When you have a headache the narcissist has a brain tumour"
When is the best time to contact you today? i tried before but you obviously spent the night elsewhere (Blame shifting/Baiting)
I will not try to contact you as your request, (That's a contradiction) I will wait for you to contact me, i will await your call, can you give me an estimated date for it? tonight? (Do things on MY time or else)
Gareth.
After the above email comes this one.
"If you wish to not engage in any contact , I will cease contact. ( I had already replied to the above email informing him as nice as I could to just LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!)
But if this is the case, can you tell me please, the last thing i want to do is to turn up at your door , specially if you have company in order to find out whats happening" (Do as I say or else/Stalking)
How are you doing in general?
Gareth.
Can you see how they he contradicts himself here? "If you do not want contact I will cease" I had already told him before those emails "Not to contact me"
A narcissist will never accept your boundaries, he stills wants his supposed freedom but at the same time wants to regain control of his Narcissistic Supply (you)
These emails, phone calls , letters are all just an attempt to get you talking, he still wants to know what is going on in your life at all costs, even if it means turning up unannounced, it is a condition again "talk to me or ill do this" "if you don't do this , Ill do this"
He didn't want to stay, he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me nor the pregnancy because in his logic, looking after two children that are not of his own seed is fine but having one of his own is not something he can do. Well of course not because that would mean having a greater responsibility to have an emotional intimate connection with someone of course that would be faked in company with other people. It is too much like hard hard work for the narcissist.
With children that are not the narcissists own he can devalue and ignore them to his hearts desire with no responsibility for his actions. He won't be contacted by social security for child support, he won't have his name on their birth certificate, he has NO TIES emotionally or financially to children that are not of his own seed.
Narcissists have no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by significant others. Such feedback is perceived as a threat.
Again it is a narcissist thinking only of himself and the consequences he might face.
I had to put certain conditions on the narcissist which was just ONE & that is The No Contact rule because you cannot allow them to dictate your life any longer.
I learned the hard way.
Lastly.
Gareth and I had two children together , Hope & Lilly Mae. Hope was born prematurely at 25 weeks in 2005 , Gareth took a whole week to decide whether or not to go to the funeral and he refused to go to Lily's funeral in 2006 , or have his name associated with her on the death certificate, he wanted nothing to do with her in the slightest.
Gareths parents I suspect know nothing about Lily Mae their second grandaughter because he made a point of telling me "They will never know" I will bet money on it that he still has not told them.
This is the one area of his life he despises talking about or having any association with, he fought tooth and nail in order to get his name off the birth and death certificates, he hates anyone knowing he has had children.
I will write more about this backstory in my next post. Please see my previous posts for more.
Something To Remember.
Kathy Krajco one of the very few people who understands what a narcissist is and isn't explains the Narc Attack here
"Like any parasite uses its host. Life with with a tick or tapeworm is unwholesome too. Life with bacterial or protozoan parasites is unwholesome. Parasites feed on you and that makes you sick.
Narcissists are by no means alone in accusing others so as to project their own flaws off onto a scapegoat. It's just that they invest so much energy in doing it. They are fixated on their image to the point that it is uppermost in their mind 100% of the time. It's impossible to overemphasize that.
What's more, they lie to themselves as much as they lie to others, so they probably repress knowledge of what they're doing, twisting things to rationalize their unprovoked attacks on others. Only in moments of unwanted self-awareness do they know better. But they instantly repress such knowledge the moment it surfaces.
They don't do what they do for reasons. They do it just to do it. Whenever they think they can get away with it, that is.
You will never be cured of contact with them if you don't face this unpleasant fact about them. They don't love you. They don't love anyone. They can't.
Lamb, you are as lovable as can be, but the Wolf doesn't love you. He doesn't dare let himself love you, or he'd starve. Correction: he does love you – for lunch.
This is the Narcissist
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