Ode to the Single People and Those Without Children

Being a single guy with no children and seeing many of my friends fall to the fates of being married with children, and with the memory of having to check “no, I can claim no dependents” on my taxes and thus my tax bill soared, I thought it about high time to make an ode to single people.

For you see, single, child-free people are the engines of society. We are what defines a culture and makes it dynamic. We are the ones making the headlines. We are the go getters, the fighters, the soldiers, the entrepreneurs. We are the P-51 Mustangs that protect the bombers, chase and hunt down other fighters, we are the swift and nimble, able to adapt and adjust at a moment’s notice, turn on a dime, and barrel down the opposite direction with the entirety of our preponderance.

And I’d venture to guess that if you look at the majority of inventions that have advanced society, you’d see they were created by and large by single people or married people that did not have children at the time.

Being so free, swift and nimble, we are the envy of our counter-parts; those with children. They won’t admit it, but they envy us and our ability to go and do whatever we want, whenever we want. We can eat sushi once a week and it won’t cripple our finances. We don’t really get all bothered about the increase in the price of gas, because we don’t have to drive little Jimmy to soccer practice and little Jessie to dance class. We just have to drive to the jazz club and back. And without having to pay for childcare or all the fees associated with our children’s activities, we can afford a good, warm, professionally made meal, a martini and perhaps buy a DVD on our way back home. Instead of determining which diapers we should buy, we determine which LCD projector we should get for our home theater. Instead of spending 2 hours to track down a baby sitter so that we may go out 3 weeks from now, we spend 2 minutes on e-mail or the phone seeing who wants to salsa dancing tonight. And instead of giving birth to 5 children, only to destroy your body and have your husband in a retaliatory or indifferent nature get a gut, we run, work out and stay fit and trim so that we may be attractive to one another and please each other sexually not to mention lavish our beloved with untold amounts of chocolate, wine, trips to Europe, massages and lingerie.

And, oh sure, when you ask people “do you regret having children” they’ll say things like,

“My children are the most important thing in my life”

or

“I love my children.”

Or

“Well, they can get on your nerves at times” but will immediately follow up hurriedly, “but, oh, no no, of course not, I don’t regret having them.”

Of course we know most of them to be liars, avoiding the question, and refusing to give a yes no answer, knowing full well they cannot admit to such a horrible thing; regretting they had children…or perhaps it’s because they value their egos more than they do their children and thusly could not sustain the damage in admitting they were wrong.

Regardless, don’t worry, those with children have their revenge. And just like Minnesota Nice people, they exact a toll of revenge silently, behind your back. For they make the single people pay for their children.

Be it the property taxes that you pay for a school that we send no children to, or just the higher rates we get hit with, or the lack of deductions and child credits, and let’s not forget the bevy of social programs all dedicated to kids, oh yes my fellow childless, singlehood brothers and sisters, we pay.

But if there is any consolation, my friends, sleep well at night knowing that although we pay for our freedom, at least we have it.